Authentic Self

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One of the hardest parts of living is not being myself. Or being true to who I am. Me. I have been living a fictional self. I have not always known this. I have known something was not right in my life. But I always assumed it was my relationship with God. That I was neglecting my christianity too often. That is partly true but it wasn't the whole problem.

I started buying and reading self help books after one year of marriage. That is when my life as me seem to stop. My life turned upside down and after 29 years, 5 months, and 25 days it has steadily gotten worse. I have tried everything I could figure out to change how I was feeling, except divorce. Now I have discovered the main cause of my unhappiness and I want my life back. These words touched the sore spot in me;

"When you're not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hole in your soul. You may have found that it's easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value."

I haven't figured out how to get my life back. That is what I will be working on for now. I know that God plays an important part in all decisions and I need to listen to Him. I have so many people pulling me in all kinds of directions. Fulfilling their beliefs in the part I am suppose to play in their lives. No one asks me what I want out of life. And the hard part is when I tell them what I want; they respond with "you don't want that." Or they say you must be crazy, why would you want to do that.

I have really become bitchy these last few months. That part I don't like but it is like I have to start fighting for me. I need to become aggressive but that makes me uncomfortable. K. has realized that there is something different about me. I have been steadily telling him that there has to be some changes because I am not going to put up with like it is, too much longer. It seems his technique for change is: for one thing he does, he will find two things to mess up. And he doesn't do any of the real necessary things. It amazes me how he knows exactly what little insignificant thing to do so I can't say he never does anything. It is like a science with him. I mean he struts like a peacock and if I mention when is the major project going to happen; he throws in my face "I can't do anything to satisfy you!" The porch is looking nice so he unloads the back of his truck right in front of the house. He manages to do something like that every time I change the way something looks around here. It is so disheartening.

I know that K. is the one that started me toward not being true to myself. I adjusted myself to try and be what he wanted. It was my choice, I know. Thankfully I didn't give in to every thing he wanted. But I realize now that he probably changed a lot of paths I was suppose to take. I take responsibility for my decisions. Now I have to find a way to get back to the paths of destiny.