Feelings

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I have been at loss for words. I sit in front of this monitor and I can't choose a topic to blog about. So much has been happening in my life. Family members have been disappointing me. Well, I don't know if that is the right word. They have done some things that I never thought they would do.

I think I am a coward when it comes to spilling my guts or airing the family laundry. I think this is what keeps me from writing the novel I have wanted to write all my life. The sharing of your inner most feelings. And finding the right words to fully explain my thoughts; making sure they are not misinterpreted.

I have been told that my life would make a great book if I would write it down. I have had a lot of unhappy, crazy, unbelievable happenings for sure. But to write it down for the world to read? My family doesn't know my true feelings of the life I have stumbled through in tears ninety per cent of the time. I have been hanging on to my life by a thread that is very frayed. Only by the grace of God I am here, many times I have almost given up.

Instead of my life finally getting a little easier, there is more on my shoulders. I am beginning to believe that I will not ever be given a break from my time consuming family. When I hear the phone ring, tears come to my eyes. I'm always afraid it is someone wanting me to do something for them. Or just spend time listening to them. That is fine, but when I need someone there is no one. They never share time with me; time to take me somewhere or time to just listen. I feel they use me when necessary then they don't give me a second thought.

Okay, that's it, I don't want to turn this into complaining post. I am trying to work out my feelings.

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Woe is me for my hurt! my wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it. My tabernacle is spoiled, and all my cords are broken: my children are gone forth of me, and they are not: there is none to stretch forth my tent any more, and to set up my curtains. O, Lord, correct me, but with judgment; not in thine anger, lest thou bring me to nothing.