Fifteen days later

---

The cut is scabbing over and I have a bit more free movement with my neck. I still haven't found a comfortable position to sleep. I naturally sleep on my side and the doctor said it was okay for me to lay that way. [Of course I asked; I wasn't taking any chances.] The cut bunches up and pulls and I wake up sore and aching and try going back to sleep in another position. Just trying to hold my head up straight is an exercise now.

I can eat anything I want now. I have found that my stomach can't hold as much as before the surgery. I get nauseated very easily. I didn't get to go to the grocery store. K. decided to go by his self and bought all his favorite foods. That means I have a small selection of foods to choose from. Which is good in a way. I am still losing weight, my waist has shrunk two inches, but I do miss eating vegetables. He is a carbohydrate man and that is all he bought-junk food. He bought me a head of boston lettuce with no other vegetables to go with it. I can eat a head of lettuce a day so I have to spread it over a few days with a lot of other salad makings like yellow squash, zuchinni, carrots, cauliflower, brocolli, sweet bell pepper, tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, green beans, cabbage, pickled peppers, beans, corn, the list is endless. I can eat all my veggies raw. But K. didn't buy any other vegetables and the 'frig is bare. I am still eating jello and soup and eggs and mashed potatoes. This morning I made an egg sandwich with whole wheat bread. It was quite tasty. I am still not hungry which is unusual for me. Lately I eat twice a day and I am satisfied.

My energy level has dropped again. I have been in a daze these last few days. I don't feel like myself. But I don't know what I should be feeling. My emotions are on a roller coaster and I go from depressed to angry to just okay. The euphoria I was feeling the weekend after surgery is completely gone. Possibly the neglectful care I have been receiving has a lot to do with it. But I think it has more to do with me being scared that I won't make the changes in my life that I so badly need to do. And if I don't I know the stress and unhappiness will bring me to an early grave. I feel my courage faltering.

************************************************************************************

My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah. Psalm 62:5-8