Thanks to all for the birthday greetings. They gave me great pleasure.

It is 7:30 New Year's Eve and another year of my life has passed. I am a half a century old. It is hard for my mind to accept that I am 50 years old. Most women have told me that they were upset when they turned 30 years old. My thirtieth birthday didn't phase me a bit. Nor my thirtyfifth.

But when I turned forty I cried. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like my life had ended. I feel it more now. I had dreamed of doing so many things with my life. But I was very naive. My parents didn't tell me about looking before you leap into marriage. K and I didn't really discuss what we wanted out of life before we married. Later I learnt K didn't want me to do more than be a wife and mother. When I tried to explain to him that I wanted to go back to school he said no and I didn't force the issue. He didn't feel the need to help me fulfill my dreams or understand that I even had things that I wanted to accomplish.

For years I tried to figure out what to do; how to make changes. Slowly, I let life and feelings drain out of my heart. I stopped trying. I have existed but I have not lived for a long time. Today, I have thought about my life and what I feel I have missed. I still wonder what could have been if I had made other decisions.

I am on the road to recovery. I feel it in my heart. I sat outside today and felt the warmth of God's love touching me. It is a wonderful feeling.

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Fear thou not, O Jacob my servant, saith the Lord: for I am with thee; for I will make a full end of all the nations whither I have driven thee, but I will not make a full end of thee, but correct thee in measure; yet will I not leave thee wholly unpunished. Jeremiah 46:28

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. Psalm 43:5