The holidays are upon us and I don't know how I am going to be this year. I don't know what frame of mind or what mood I will be experiencing. From as far back as I can remember the days beginning in october through january have been stressful times. There are a few good memories from childhood, not many. I began at an early age to make up stories to tell to friends at school about what a wonderful time I supposedly had during school break. I often wondered if what they told me was real or made up. All I knew at the time was I wanted to have a different life.

One memory that always stands out is at age 10 on christmas eve we were visiting my dad's side of the family. We were getting ready to go home and my aunt was reminding us to put cookies and milk under the christmas tree for santa. My baby sister told her we didn't have a tree. Oh, my, she immediately confronted my dad. She took us to the woods behind the house and we looked for a tree. We couldn't find a tree with all sides pretty. But my aunt explained she could fix that and she cut down two trees that we drug back to the house and she tied them together. We were very proud of our soon to be christmas tree. She provided a bucket filled with gravel and told my dad he had better put the tree up for us. But I wouldn't have been upset about not having a tree. That is the way it was at our house. Sometimes we had a tree; sometimes we didn't. Sometimes we had christmas wrapping paper, sometimes we used brown paper bags.

I remember at an early age dad stopped letting us trick or treat. I would go to school the next day and make up a story about how much candy I had brought home. I listened to the kids talk about how many subdivisions their dads had taken them to and how many bags of candy they had and I couldn't understand why their parents were different than mine.

Mom did her best and she never went against what dad said. He allowed only so much money for gifts and that usually meant one present per child. I made up stories about christmas presents I didn't get so the kids at school wouldn't know I only had one gift. Not that I wasn't happy with one gift, I just didn't want to be different. If kids think you are different; they tease and laugh at you.

The holidays haven't improved too much. Different circumstances came along that still make them hard for me. With marriage came the decision of where do we spend thanksgiving and christmas. We started with doing thanksgiving with one side and christmas with the other and next year swap up. My mother-in-law didn't go for that at all. My mom decided to have holiday gatherings the weekend before the day so her daughters and their families could spend the day with the husband's side. I didn't like that because then mom and dad spent thanksgiving day and christmas day alone. Then I talked K. into splitting the day and having dinner with one and supper with the other. That is what his brothers were doing. Of course my mother in law gave her kids a guilt trip but only K. was affected by it. So he was giving me a hard time.

My oldest son was in the hospital for his first three christmases. I felt God was trying His best to open my heart about this particular holiday. Thankfully, the fourth christmas came around and we didn't have to spend it at a hospital. I tried my best to hide my sadness during christmas but my boys felt it. My mother-in-law singles me out during the holidays by giving me inexpensive gifts. She makes a great show of presenting everyone else with elaborate gifts. K. has never said anything to her. He says that's just mom, don't let it bother you. Sorry, it does. My inlaws stopped giving gifts to our sons when they became teenagers; but the other grand kids continue to get gifts. I tried to talk to K. about this but again I get that's mom, she can do what she wants. Now my boys do not care to visit their grandparents even during the holidays. I get blamed for it by my mother-in-law and my husband. Through the years I found out that my mother-in-law thought the presents that we gave were not costly enough compared to what her other children gave and she felt I was the one choosing them. She decided to make up the difference by giving me a less expensive christmas present. That is why she continues to spend less money on me.

As for my birthday, on new year's eve, that is another painful subject. My birthday wasn't recognized when I was a child. My sisters at least had a birthday cake made. I was twelve when I asked my mom why I never got a cake or a present. She told me it was too close to christmas. Now she does try to give at least a card and she always tells me happy birthday. When I was little sometimes I wasn't even told happy birthday. My inlaws never acknowledge my birthday. At one time I even wrote it on their calendar. One year I ask my mother in law why she gave her other daughter-in-laws a birthday present but not me, she said it was too close to christmas. I felt like I had went back in time. I told her she had a whole year to be prepared for my birthday, she didn't have to wait until after christmas.

My mother-in-law is upset with me already this year. She called and said Thanksgiving was going to be at her house this year. I told her I wanted to spend this year with my granny. She immediately asked if granny was going to be at my mom's. And believe me my mother-in-law will be reminding me every day, even on thanksgiving morning that I should be at her house for the holiday. The past five years K. signed up to work holidays. He took the easy way out. I still struggle through the months. Every new year I say I made it through another holiday season and it wasn't too bad. I thought when I became an adult I would be able to do what I wanted; I would have more control. Twice we tried having the family to our house for the holidays. It didn't help.

I am not a materialistic person. My side of the family gets together for christmas and we do not exchange gifts. I don't like feelings getting hurt. I don't like to know that people carefully choose a gift for one person and for another they buy something because they feel they have to give a gift and they don't care if the person will like it or not. I have been shopping with people and watched as this was done. And I have heard the remarks being made.

I feel too much emphasis is given to gifts at christmas and not love. Christmas is suppose to be a celebration of the birth of Christ. I have expressed my feelings. Somehow, somewhere, I am still not being myself. I still let other people's feelings get in the way of mine. I let not hurting others come first and I get hurt instead. I feel that I am getting stronger as I get older. But I have a long way to go. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am seeking. When I was little we didn't stay home for thanksgiving or christmas; we were always at someone else's house. So it is not that I have this need to spend them at home. I don't feel that it is because we don't have lots of money to spend at christmas. That is something I have never wanted to do and if I did, there are credit cards for that. It is not the buying of gifts or not being at home that makes me so blue. I don't know what happens every year.