I have decided to try and write my thoughts and emotions on my page. I haven't because I don't want to moan and complain. I am an adult and I shouldn't be whining all the time. And when I read what I write I ask God for forgiveness; because I know he doesn't want us to be complainers.

To me things seem to be continuing on that downward slide and they are pulling me along. Everyday I wonder how much more my mind can take. Really I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore. I count my blessings and say it can be worse; I am better off than a lot of people. But my emotions give me another feeling.

K. was backing out of a parking place and hit a car that was going past. Praise God no one was hurt. Our insurance has a high deductible to keep our premiums low so that leaves us paying for the damage to the car. Every time I think we are going to get ahead something comes along to bring me back down. We need to be doing some work on the truck and K. has been putting that off. Now we will be borrowing money but not for our use.

I went for my check up and was heart broke. I gained eight pounds after all my careful eating and deprivation. Then I wonder how many pounds I would have gained if I had been eating everything I wanted. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so tired of everything, of life its self.

I was seen by another doctor this time and I really talked to him. I had brought my notes where I had written down every muscle spasm, tremor, facial twitch, tingling feet and hands and mouth. I told him how hard I had been keeping track of every thing I ate and drank. How I had increased my physical activity. He looked at my chart and explained to me that my thyroid levels were good and my cortisol level was good and he really didn't know why I was still gaining weight. I told him I had gained almost forty pounds in a year; that can't be normal. Please, please help me in some kind of way. He said he would talk to the doctor over him and see what that man suggested.

I sat in that room and fought to get myself under control. I prayed for strength. The intern comes back and tells me that they are going to do blood work to see if I may be going through menopause; that sometimes causes weight gain. I am only 48 how is it possible that I am going through change of life. Plus they are going to check for cushing's disease but he said it is highly unlikely that I have that. This test is being done because I am loosing the strength in my legs again and I am still having tremors. But they are not going to do any testing until December 8th. I am so upset.

I have been crying again. Part of me wants to start eating and not think about what is going in my mouth. The other part of me wants to not eat at all. Part of me wants to go to bed and never get up again. The other part of me wants to run away and become a new person in a new part of the world and live before I die. I don't want to have to think about money, paying bills, food, automobiles, house repairs, clothes, medicine, electricity,.....life. God forgive me for my selfish thoughts.