I am at loss. Words fail me. I have so many thoughts whirling through my mind. I am as a child with tears flowing wanting loving hands to make the hurt go away. But I also want to be able to take the hurt away from my husband.

K was diagnosed with prostate cancer yesterday. He finally accepted that he has cancer. He had been in denial; hoping it was a mistake. He still has to have more tests. And to do the colonoscopy Tuesday. The urologist has started K on hormonal therapy to stop the cancer growth or to make it grow more slowly. Rather that is the way I understand what was explained. K is still not talking about it; this is the way he handles things.

I don't know what to do with myself and my thoughts. I don't want to think at all. I try to keep busy and then someone calls and starts the conversation by asking how K and I are doing. This brings the pain back and then I have to try to shut the thoughts off again.

K has already missed two days of work this month. And he will miss two more to have the colonoscopy. I know that he will be missing a whole lot more and I have to figure out how to handle the budget. I need to cut way back and I am thinking about trying to sell the car or get someone to take over the note. This will save us $300 dollars a month. Which is a big savings. I have considered going to work but then we will lose the free medical care at the charity hospital and that we need big time. And I want to be with K as much as I can. My life has become a viscous circle of problem solving again. Nothing seems to be quite the right answer.

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Ho, every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness. Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
Isaiah 54:1-3