I find myself mired down in the pit of despair; even while taking Lexapro. I get stuck and it takes a couple of days of self-talk to climb out of it. A wave of unhappiness or sadness or whatever the feeling is, washes over me and I sink. I count my blessings and find pleasant activities to do. I do all the other things the psychologist taught me(which I knew to do already)and it doesn't help. It seems that the Lexapro keeps me from staying in the pit as long as I did before I started taking it; but doesn't keep me from these feelings as I hoped it would.

I have so many reasons to be thankful. And God knows I am. I hate myself when I have days like this. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and when I do; I get as far as the couch and there I want to stay. I don't even worry about changing out of my night clothes.

I don't know if it is my thoughts that bring me to this point. I wonder at times if it is something physical. I know this days K is always in my thoughts. I try not to think of the uncertainty of the future. But I am a worrier and the thought always pushes itself forward from where I keep it hidden at the back of my mind. I am a person that wants to plan ahead. I have never been able to live day to day. I am the worrier of the family and K lives each day as it comes.

K has decided to work extra hours each week while he can, to start saving money for when he won't be able to work. I applied for a job at a daycare that I thought was perfect for me. It was only for 3-6 p.m. each week day and I would still have mornings free for doctor appointments. It wasn't big bucks but it would have been perfect for our schedule and our budget. And I am disappointed that I haven't received a call back. But I know if God wants me to have a job, He will provide it.

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Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9