There is so much happening that I am stumbling with anxiety. The lexapro is keeping me sane but my mind is whirling like a top. I am frantic because I feel that everyone is expecting me to behave a certain way; and I don't want to perform like a trained monkey. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to leave me the hell alone. And that scares me because I don't act that way. But maybe that is the real me. I don't know any more.

My aunt fell and factured her hip and had to have a hip replacement. My mom is taking care of my granny. That means my dad is driving alone. That means I will be needed to help mom and dad. But I don't want to be needed right now. I don't want to do anything right now. I want to say no but I feel wrong when I say no and I feel wronged when I say yes.

When I came home from the doctor yesterday I wanted to dig a hole and crawl into it. I didn't want to come home. I wanted to drive to the end of the earth and fall off. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of having to participate when I don't want to participate.

In January, all my blood work came back normal. This time I was told I am hypocalcemia. This we all kind of diagnosed ourselves. I was told to go back to 3000 mg. of calcium using tums, a calcium supplement like oscal and a multivitamin that includes calcium. I was told my glucose level is high. I could be diabetic or something may be wrong with my pancreas. I was told that I am menopausal and I must decide if I want to start estrogen therapy. The doctor told me about all the risks involved. Now, do I really want to add more health problems to what I am trying to deal with all ready?

What could have caused this drastic change in three months? May 9th, I go for more blood work. The doctor wants further testing for my glucose level and my calcium level.

I am happy to report that I have lost eight pounds. This success comes from consuming very few calories because I don't have an appetite and I am not eating very much. Could this possibly be why my glucose level is elevated?

I am trying to maintain a steady routine at the house. The psychologist told me to force myself to do more than sit. Like I said, the activities I enjoy doing involve sitting. I still do my walking and I am up to six minutes of jogging.

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Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. James 1: 3-6