Thursday's visit with the psychologist was very enlightening for me. I had always felt that I was lacking in some way. That something was missing somewhere, somehow, and all these years I couldn't find it. Not that I felt something was wrong with me; but that I was not given or taught a very important life lesson.

Now I know what was kept from me and at my age I will have to learn something that should have been taught to me as a child. Because I was taught the opposite behavior. I was not taught "assertive behavior." I was taught that I did not have my own rights and feelings. The only thing that was important was pleasing my parents. As I aged, I tried pleasing everyone else. All my life my main concern was making sure everyone else had what was important to them at the expense of my own life. But I did not know this; I thought I was doing the right thing and when I made someone unhappy, I felt bad because I thought I had done something wrong. And if someone is angry and upset with me, I take all the responsibility.

It has been a great burden all these years. I have felt so much lighter, finding out that I was not wrong in feeling mistreated all these years by certain people. I always felt like I was the bad person; that I must be doing something wrong. The psychologist explained that it was not me. I was being treated with "disrepect". Okay, yes,I am very naive. But when I have tried to explain my feelings, what I felt was wrong, no one has ever spoken that word. Yes, it is the perfect word. I have been right! It feels strengthening! I am not losing my mind!

The psychologist explained that we must respect our own rights and feelings just like we have to respect other peoples. And I have to learn how to be "assertive". This is a whole new behavior for me. It is going to take a lot of practice. When she explained what "assertive behavior" was; I immediately knew what I was lacking. I am on the pathway to getting better. I love this paragraph; it says so much.

Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Assertive behavior
is not hostile, blaming, threatening, demanding, or sarcastic.
Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up for
yourself does not trespass on the rights of others. Assertiveness means communicating what you want in a clear manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.