Yesterday was the first day I felt a little peace. Automatically guilt washed through me for feeling it.

I don't know how I am suppose to feel. I guess those aren't quite the right words. I am sad and lost and angry. The other day I came across Kenny's hair brush in the truck. I brought it inside and was pulling the strands of hair from it. I put them in the bathroom garbage can and a pain went through my soul. I had to get them out; I couldn't throw them away. It felt wrong to throw them away.

I do all right during the week because I work ten to twelve hours a day at the daycare. When my hours go back to normal, I don't know how I will do. I keep my mind occupied and I am all right. When I am at the house by myself it is hard not to think about Kenny. While I am shopping, I come across things that I know he will like and I think about getting it for him or I tell myself I have to tell him about it. I still talk about him in the present tense. I am controlling my crying better.

Several of my co-workers have mentioned that I look like I have lost weight. My clothes still fit the same so I don't think I have. The last time I didn't eat enough I actually gained weight. Maybe being on my feet twelve hours a day is paying off in more than money.

Another week has gone by; I worked 49 hours. Next week I will be back to 35 hours. It will be enough for me to pay the bills.

I went today and had my hair trimmed. I haven't been to the beauty shop since the weekend before thanksgiving. I have did a little cutting myself to keep the hair out of my eyes. I was beginning to resemble a shaggy dog and it was taking me longer to get ready for work. It sure felt good getting my hair done.

I have been feeling blue. I am confused right now with all the decisions that I have to make. I have no idea about what I should do. I am afraid to leave the comfort zone that I am in but I feel it might be necessary.

I am hoping to do more with my life than working five days a week to just pay bills. What is life suppose to be for? Are we suppose to only exist? Live payday to payday to pay bills? Kenny always said he worked his whole life and he didn't have anything to show for it. Do we live just to work ourselves into an early grave?

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My God, my God, why hast thou forsaken me? Why art thou so far from helping me, and from the words of my roaring? O my God, I cry in the daytime, but thou hearest not; and in night season, and am not silent.
Psalm 22: 1-2

It has been a long week. A co-worker is out sick and I have been helping fill her spot. I was able to get 46 hours this past week. I work a split shift; I am off from 12 to 2 every day; instead of driving home and having to go back to work, I bring my lunch and stay at the day care the whole day and save on gas.

I have enjoyed doing nothing today. Not exactly nothing, I have been crocheting hats. I crocheted a poncho and hat for my nephew's wife and her friends asked where she bought them. My sister suggested that I make some hats and sell them since they are quick to make and naturally I have oodles of yarn lying around that needs to be used.

I am sorta getting into a routine that helps me maintain my sanity. I work from dark to dark, I come home eat a little something and go to bed, get up and do the same thing over again. It will be okay for a while I guess.

All kinds of sickness has been going 'round the day care. Workers and children are passing germs back and forth. I have a bad cold but I think I have it under control.