K's health is deteriorating. His blood pressure is 90/40 and his heart rate is 126. He gets out of breath having a bowel movement because even that has become a struggle for him.

Some friends of his have taken him to his hunting lease to put up a deer stand with a wheel chair ramp that they built specially for him. He is so excited. Next week he is getting to go back to Giles Island to have his deer hunt with the cross bow. He is hoping to get the buck he saw with the humongous antlers that he took a picture of while he was there last time. I hope he does too. I am also hoping he will still have the strength in his arms to hold the bow or gun so he can shoot the weapon.

It is time to start making my christmas lists for presents and meals and to start buying some of what's on the lists. Every year I say I'm not waiting to the last minute and I find myself doing just that and having to rush around a few days before christmas eve.

I have been thinking about putting up a tree this christmas, but we have the hospital bed set up in the living room. That is where K wants it and our living room has become a hospital room. He even wants his portable potty chair in the living room. There is not enough room for a sofa or chairs, let alone a christmas tree; I had to get rid of my sofa. There is barely enough room left to maneuver his wheel chair and to walk around. I feel the need to have a long discussion to try and convince him to let me move everything into one of the bedrooms. Am I wrong to want to do that? He makes me feel guilty when I bring up the subject. He tells me I'm in a hurry to get rid of him, I say he can still be in the living room while in his wheel chair. He isn't going to be in the bedroom all the time. When he has to use the potty, everyone has to go on the porch; I just do not feel it is right. I don't understand why he feels our living room should be his sick room.

It is hard to explain how I have been feeling during these two weeks of radiation for the tumors on K's spine. I have been exhausted emotionally because K has been angry and depressed and of course I am available for the brunt of his anger. I know he needs to release it and I understand.

K has only gotten back a little strength in his legs; he is still in the wheel chair. He has also lost strength in his arms. He is still having to use a catheter, he has not regained the ability to urinate on his own. He has lost another five pounds; the radiation has caused what little appetite he had to disappear. He argues with me when I tell him he has to drink Ensure or any other protein drink. He doesn't like them, he says they taste like vitamins and medicine. This morning he finally started nibbling on some cheese crackers and fig bars. We have discovered that Little Debbie fig bars have the great taste that we used to enjoy when we ate fig newtons. Fig newtons have lost all their flavor and texture; we quit buying them. Two weeks ago, we saw Little Debbie fig bars in a vending machine. K said he wanted to try them and we love them; he really enjoys them, thank goodness.

Next week I will go back to my 2-6 work schedule. I like the 6-10 shift in the mornings because I still have a whole day left when I get off work. The getting up at four in the morning to get K situated before I leave for work is exhausting. By friday my eyes are constantly crossing and I am falling asleep whenever I sit down.

I am considering giving notice for a leave of absence at the day care. I have also asked if there is a possibility of working a couple of hours in the morning and a couple in the evening. That way I won't be leaving K for long periods of time right now. He doesn't want me to quit and being with the children helps balance my sadness with joy right now. I definitely need that. The director said that she would see what she could do to help me.

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In thee, O Lord, do I put my trust; let me never be put to confusion. Deliver me in thy righteousness, and cause me to escape: incline thine ear unto me, and save me. Be thou my strong habitation, whereunto I may continually resort: thou hast given commandment to save me; for thou art my rock and my fortress.
Psalm 71:1-3

K is showing improvement in his legs with just five radiation treatments. He can not stand alone yet, but he is able to lift his legs when he is sitting down.

We had to make a trip to the emergency room because he couldn't urinate and now he has a catheter in.

I have been working from six to ten in the mornings with the infants so I can take K for his radiation treatments. The lady that works in the infant room was kind enough to trade with me so that I wouldn't have to miss two weeks of work. This way she works from ten to six in the evening and still gets her eight hours a day and I get my four hours a day.

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Bless the Lord, O my soul: and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits: Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so that thy youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Psalm 103:1-5

Changes are happening at a fast pace. Thursday, K couldn't have the surgery; his oxygen level was too low and he was wheezing. The other option was an epidural but the surgeon decided against it because of the turmors on K's spine. The team of surgeons decided that the little benefit K might would get by removing his testicles was not worth the risk of doing the surgery. K was all ready depressed because he can't walk, so being sent home from the hospital and told to enjoy what time he had left sent him in a tail spin.

Friday morning we were surprised by a call from the cancer treatment center. They asked if we could come at 3:30 so the oncologist could examine K. Of course we said yes. Friday evening K had emergency radiation treatments on his spine and has started taking steriods. The doctor said the steroids will help two things; they will help K's spine and lungs. The oncologist told us that if K had waited until november for an MRI and a refferal to the cancer treatment center from the oncologist at the charity hospital he would have had permanent damage to his spine. He said he knew what was wrong without the MRI. With the emergency radiation yesterday and this morning and the fifteen more treatments he is scheduled to have, K does have a chance to walk again. The doctor gave him hope but did say that some of the nerves in the spine may not be repairable. Our friend was again able to help us get good medical care. I so want to find a special keepsake gift to give to him to show how much he means to us and to say thank you for all he has done.

Tomorrow some friends are coming over to start building a wheel chair ramp. We have had a real struggle getting K down the steps to the yard. We know he soon should be walking again; but we also know that eventually he will be in the wheel chair again. We are getting prepared while the help is being offerred and also the lumber is being given to us; it is a double blessing.

Yesterday evening K was having trouble walking and we went to the emergency room. The emergency room doctor sent K for xrays and determined that several tumors on his spine were compressing the discs. K has been referred for an MRI which is not scheduled until november 7th. Our friend that helped me get my surgery quicker, is calling around to see if he can help K get an MRI this month.

We have been able to borrow a walker that K is able to use for now in the house. And a wheel chair to use when we leave the house. The strength is his legs is fading fast. Naturally K is depressed; but is thinking this too can be fixed.

He became so upset and stressed he had an asthma attack. We were able to get that under control. I am very concerned; I can't get him to eat and he doesn't want liquids either. A couple of bites of anything fills him up.

I can't decide if I should quit work now or keep my job a little longer. K doesn't want be to quit; he said there is no need for me to stay home with him and we need to keep getting my pay check. I know he needs to believe that he will get strong again and me going to work every day like usual helps him hang on to that belief.

My heart is heavy.

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Come and hear all ye that fear God, and I will declare what he hath done for my soul. I cried unto him with my mouth, and he was extolled with my tongue. If I regard iniquity in my heart, the Lord will not hear me; But verily God hath heard me; he hath attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me.
Psalm 66:16-20

I have really enjoyed the cold weather this weekend. It has been nice being able to be outdoors without perspiring. In addition to bird watching, I have been watching rabbits and squirrels making a meal of my yard. That is another reason I haven't been able to do any gardening like I would really like to do. Not only deer eat vegetable plants and flowers, lots of other animals destroy flower beds and vegetable gardens. But I do get lots of pleasure watching the wildlife.

I made the Red Velvet Bars this weekend and I say they are no where close to tasting like the cake. It was a big disappointment to me. K thought they tasted good, just not like red velvet cake.

We finally received a check from the social security office Saturday. We were told we wouldn't get it until the 16th of each month; so it was a complete surprise. You could say we were singing all the way to the bank; we definitely had the biggest smiles anyone has seen in quite a while on our faces. We were suppose to have direct deposit but I must say holding it in my hands was something I'm glad I didn't miss.

Thank you God for all your blessings.


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And the prayer of faith shall save the sick, and the Lord shall raise him up; and if he have committed sins, they shall be forgiven him. Confess your faults one to another, and pray one for another, that ye may be healed, the effectual fervent prayer of a righteous man availeth much.
James 5:15-16

Was well enough to go to the doctor today to get all my test results, must have been a twentyfour hour virus. I thought I would see what my triglyceride level would be but she had not even marked it on the lab work paper for this time. I don't understand why we have so many inept doctors for charity care. She did not even have the test result from my lab work from my last appointment in my file and of course couldn't remember telling me my triglycerides were high.

My colon test and mammogram was negative but my glucose level,116, was considered high since I hadn't eaten since ten the night before and I didn't have the blood work till 9:30 the next morning. The doctor wants be to stop eating starchy foods along with not eating sugary foods. I can't get these people to believe I count carbs already. They look at my size and believe I am eating too much of the wrong foods.

K is enjoying the hunting trip even though he can not hunt because it is bow season for deer hunters and he doesn't have the strength to pull a compound bow. The doctor filled out the application for K to get a permit to use a cross bow but he didn't get the permit in time for this hunt. He called and told me that he can watch the big bucks feeding while he sits on the porch where he is staying. His cousins are going to pay for another hunt for the week of October 30th. They are hunting at Giles Island in Mississippi. K has never been on a guided hunt. He is blessed to have cousins that love him enough to know how special this is for him. This is truly a dream come true for my husband.

October is here. Seems like we just started this year and now it is almost over.

I made a mistake on the surgery date; it is on october 12th. We asked the doctor at the cancer treatment center if he thought removing K's testicles was the only option K had as the next step in K's treatment. He also said it should be done. Hearing the second opinion makes it a little more bearable.

I was sick yesterday; not quite over it yet. There was a virus going around at the daycare and I succumbed to it at two yesterday morning. I was alone because K was on a hunting trip with his cousins. I went from the bed to the toilet till about four in the evening. Then I was able to make it to the kitchen to see what I had in the cabinets that might would stay in my stomach. I actually found some sprite that I sipped on for a while and it did stay down. Then I made some jello I also found and that was all I ate yesterday evening.

Today, I heated up some chicken noodle soup and I have been eating sparingly on it. I hope I am able to go back to work tomorrow.

I have been watching the food network again. Such delicious sounding foods are prepared on the different shows all day long. One recipe I can't wait to try was shown on Semi-Homemade today. It is for Red Velvet Bars. We love Red Velvet cake but it is costly and time consuming to make. I hope the bars are as delicious as the cake. I thought I would share the recipe.


Red Velvet Bars

For Cake Layer:
1 box (18 1/4 ounces) German chocolate cake mix
1 stick butter, softened
1 egg
1 ounce red food coloring

For Cream Cheese Layer:
16 ounces cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup sugar
2 eggs
1 teaspoon vanilla extract

Spray 9 by 13-inch pan with cooking spray; set aside.
In a large mixing bowl, beat with an electric mixer on low speed, cake mix, butter, egg, and food coloring until combined. Press cake mixture into prepared pan; set aside.

In a medium mixing bowl, beat cream cheese and sugar on medium speed until creamy. Add eggs and vanilla, beat to combine. Spread cream cheese mixture over cake layer.

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F. Bake for 40 to 45 minutes, or until bars barely start to pull away from sides. Cool completely before cutting.

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It is written, Man shall not live by bread alone, but by every word that proceedeth out of the mouth of God.
Matthew 4:4