It has been a dreary day; no sun peeking through the rain clouds.

My mother-in-law came over to get me to make some copies of her rental lease. She couldn't find the ones that I had made her right before I had my surgery. It struck me again how fast the year has passed.

When she called and said she was coming over my stomach clinched. I had a feeling something was going to happen; since it is close to christmas. Sure enough she hadn't been here long before she told me that she wasn't going to be able to buy gifts this year. Well, I knew what that meant because I had heard it before. As she was leaving she told me she would come get me one day next week and we would go christmas shopping together.

Yep, the old "not going to give gifts; let's go buy gifts" speech. I guess I am suppose to be that stupid. The speech means that she isn't going to give me and mine gifts but there are family members and friends that will get christmas presents. She is low on funds; she has to scratch people off her list so she has more cash to impress the important people. Oh well, it is not the first time.

Tomorrow is the first day of december. We are counting down to the year 2005. I remember standing on the steps of school during my senior year wondering what I would be doing in the year 2000. It was hard for me to picture myself that far ahead but I didn't think I would be in the disorderly life I'm in now.

Time has been going fast and slow here. I don't know how to explain it. Months are going by fast; yet to me the days are too long. Too long because I have too much time to think. And I don't like to think.

I have discovered a wonderful quick soup. I love the Lipton chicken soup that mom used to make for us. I like the tiny noodles in it instead of the long noodles in the canned chicken soup. I found a bag of the tiny egg noodles; just like the ones in the Lipton soup. I have been in soup heaven! I use chicken bouillion cubes, dried minced onions, celery seed, basil, and my new egg noodles. Voila! I can make a whole quart of chicken noodle soup very inexpensively. If I have leftover chicken, I dice it up and add it to the soup. But it is very good and filling without the meat. And the noodles have a lot of protein. I have made it with beef bouillion cubes too. But chicken noodle soup is one of my comfort foods.

I have been working on my page. I am real bad about wanting to change it as often as my mood changes. I can't change my small part of the world but I can change my webpage as often as I want to. I don't know very much about all this html and style sheets but I do play around with it. Thank you Kyle for changing my comment link.

I really like the picture of the girl catching the snow. She will be visiting on my page for a short time while I search for a very handsome snowman to fill her spot.

Another thanksgiving has passed by my life. I didn't pig out on all the food; I had control. I did not eat any sweets except my fruitcake cookies. But my clothes are still getting tighter. Last december I bought three warm-up suits including the jacket. I have been wearing the pants; they are tight, but...well, I wear them. Yesterday was our first chilly day of the year. A day where I felt the need for long sleeves. I decided to wear one of my warm-up sets with the light jacket. Goodness, me, I resembled an overstuffed sausage when I zipped the jacket. haha It is so frustrating; I don't know what to do. I wore the set, I just didn't zip up. I am cutting back on calories, hoping to make it through the rest of the year with only minor damage to my body. I would like to see some weight coming off not constantly climbing on me.

This past week my lower back and hips have been hurting. After I swept and mopped the bathroom floors this morning, I had to sit down. This is something new and I figure it must be from the extra weight my bones are carrying around. I have had back problems before; but not on a daily basis. I was born with one hip bone not fused to my pelvic bone. I didn't walk until I was two years old. I never had a problem until I was pregnant and that was because of the weight I gained. I weigh more now than I did with either pregnancy so I know my is hip under a strain. I have to get this weight off somehow.

My feet are starting to hurt with these first cold days. I hope I make it this winter without chilblains. I made it last winter thank goodness. I don't need a repeat of the winter of '02. I have too much to deal with already.

Today, I made fruitcake cookies. Yep, my fruitcakes weren't successful, so I tried a cookie recipe. What can I say? I love fruitcake!!! And the cookies are delicious. Only downfall is, they taste so good; I have been nibbling on them all day.

I saved some raisins and put them on a string and hung them in the tree outside my window. The birds loved them. I read about it at a web page I found called Christmas Treats For Birds. They have other great ideas that I am going to try. Another web site I love is at Birding. They have a great section on cooking for birds.

Me thinks I may have found a new hobbie, cooking for birds. hahaha

The holidays are upon us and I don't know how I am going to be this year. I don't know what frame of mind or what mood I will be experiencing. From as far back as I can remember the days beginning in october through january have been stressful times. There are a few good memories from childhood, not many. I began at an early age to make up stories to tell to friends at school about what a wonderful time I supposedly had during school break. I often wondered if what they told me was real or made up. All I knew at the time was I wanted to have a different life.

One memory that always stands out is at age 10 on christmas eve we were visiting my dad's side of the family. We were getting ready to go home and my aunt was reminding us to put cookies and milk under the christmas tree for santa. My baby sister told her we didn't have a tree. Oh, my, she immediately confronted my dad. She took us to the woods behind the house and we looked for a tree. We couldn't find a tree with all sides pretty. But my aunt explained she could fix that and she cut down two trees that we drug back to the house and she tied them together. We were very proud of our soon to be christmas tree. She provided a bucket filled with gravel and told my dad he had better put the tree up for us. But I wouldn't have been upset about not having a tree. That is the way it was at our house. Sometimes we had a tree; sometimes we didn't. Sometimes we had christmas wrapping paper, sometimes we used brown paper bags.

I remember at an early age dad stopped letting us trick or treat. I would go to school the next day and make up a story about how much candy I had brought home. I listened to the kids talk about how many subdivisions their dads had taken them to and how many bags of candy they had and I couldn't understand why their parents were different than mine.

Mom did her best and she never went against what dad said. He allowed only so much money for gifts and that usually meant one present per child. I made up stories about christmas presents I didn't get so the kids at school wouldn't know I only had one gift. Not that I wasn't happy with one gift, I just didn't want to be different. If kids think you are different; they tease and laugh at you.

The holidays haven't improved too much. Different circumstances came along that still make them hard for me. With marriage came the decision of where do we spend thanksgiving and christmas. We started with doing thanksgiving with one side and christmas with the other and next year swap up. My mother-in-law didn't go for that at all. My mom decided to have holiday gatherings the weekend before the day so her daughters and their families could spend the day with the husband's side. I didn't like that because then mom and dad spent thanksgiving day and christmas day alone. Then I talked K. into splitting the day and having dinner with one and supper with the other. That is what his brothers were doing. Of course my mother in law gave her kids a guilt trip but only K. was affected by it. So he was giving me a hard time.

My oldest son was in the hospital for his first three christmases. I felt God was trying His best to open my heart about this particular holiday. Thankfully, the fourth christmas came around and we didn't have to spend it at a hospital. I tried my best to hide my sadness during christmas but my boys felt it. My mother-in-law singles me out during the holidays by giving me inexpensive gifts. She makes a great show of presenting everyone else with elaborate gifts. K. has never said anything to her. He says that's just mom, don't let it bother you. Sorry, it does. My inlaws stopped giving gifts to our sons when they became teenagers; but the other grand kids continue to get gifts. I tried to talk to K. about this but again I get that's mom, she can do what she wants. Now my boys do not care to visit their grandparents even during the holidays. I get blamed for it by my mother-in-law and my husband. Through the years I found out that my mother-in-law thought the presents that we gave were not costly enough compared to what her other children gave and she felt I was the one choosing them. She decided to make up the difference by giving me a less expensive christmas present. That is why she continues to spend less money on me.

As for my birthday, on new year's eve, that is another painful subject. My birthday wasn't recognized when I was a child. My sisters at least had a birthday cake made. I was twelve when I asked my mom why I never got a cake or a present. She told me it was too close to christmas. Now she does try to give at least a card and she always tells me happy birthday. When I was little sometimes I wasn't even told happy birthday. My inlaws never acknowledge my birthday. At one time I even wrote it on their calendar. One year I ask my mother in law why she gave her other daughter-in-laws a birthday present but not me, she said it was too close to christmas. I felt like I had went back in time. I told her she had a whole year to be prepared for my birthday, she didn't have to wait until after christmas.

My mother-in-law is upset with me already this year. She called and said Thanksgiving was going to be at her house this year. I told her I wanted to spend this year with my granny. She immediately asked if granny was going to be at my mom's. And believe me my mother-in-law will be reminding me every day, even on thanksgiving morning that I should be at her house for the holiday. The past five years K. signed up to work holidays. He took the easy way out. I still struggle through the months. Every new year I say I made it through another holiday season and it wasn't too bad. I thought when I became an adult I would be able to do what I wanted; I would have more control. Twice we tried having the family to our house for the holidays. It didn't help.

I am not a materialistic person. My side of the family gets together for christmas and we do not exchange gifts. I don't like feelings getting hurt. I don't like to know that people carefully choose a gift for one person and for another they buy something because they feel they have to give a gift and they don't care if the person will like it or not. I have been shopping with people and watched as this was done. And I have heard the remarks being made.

I feel too much emphasis is given to gifts at christmas and not love. Christmas is suppose to be a celebration of the birth of Christ. I have expressed my feelings. Somehow, somewhere, I am still not being myself. I still let other people's feelings get in the way of mine. I let not hurting others come first and I get hurt instead. I feel that I am getting stronger as I get older. But I have a long way to go. I can't figure out what I am doing wrong or what I am seeking. When I was little we didn't stay home for thanksgiving or christmas; we were always at someone else's house. So it is not that I have this need to spend them at home. I don't feel that it is because we don't have lots of money to spend at christmas. That is something I have never wanted to do and if I did, there are credit cards for that. It is not the buying of gifts or not being at home that makes me so blue. I don't know what happens every year.

I have a new addition to my snowman collection. K. surprised me with these tealight candle holders and they have the cutest faces. I love them.

I might set out my snowman collection this year and put up a big christmas tree. I haven't wanted to have a christmas tree for five years. Last year I had a small artificial two foot table top tree complete with attached lights and decorations. I spotted it at the store and it was clearance priced at seven dollars. I brought the darling little tree home with me for christmas. He brightened up my evenings when I plugged him in. In thirty years I have only had a real tree one time and I have been thinking about getting another for this christmas. I haven't set all my snowmen out in several years. I usually set out the new ones that are given to me and I don't bring out the old ones. I think I might decorate for christmas this year. It is something that I haven't wanted to do for many years.

I baked my first fruit cake and had to throw it out. HaHa The cake didn't have any flavor and it crumbled with each stroke of the knife. I couldn't get one complete slice to put on a plate. I am going to look for another recipe and try one more time.

I have been reading poems from my book by Helen Steiner Rice. She is one of my favorite writers. I always browse through the greeting cards that have her poems in them. I lucked up or was led to this book by God, who has blessed me many times by guiding my eyes and hands to the right shelf and the right book at a store.

The book is titled Always A Springtime. It expresses my thoughts and feelings with the words I could never find. The words soothe and calm me and help lead me to peace of mind.

My new title for my blogspot is from one of the poems.

"On The Wings Of Prayer"

Just close your eyes and open your heart
and feel your worries and cares depart,
Just yield yourself to the Father above
and let Him hold you secure in His love-
For life on earth grows more involved
with endless problems that can't be solved-
But God only asks us to do our best,
Then He will "take over" and finish the rest-
So when you are tired, discouraged, and blue,
There's always one door that is open to you-
And that is the door to "The House Of Prayer"
And you'll find God waiting to meet you there,
And "The House Of Prayer" is no farther away
than the quiet spot where you kneel and pray-
For the heart is a temple when God is there
as we place ourselves in His loving care,
And He hears every prayer and answers each one
when we pray in His name "Thy will be done"-
And the burdens that seemed too heavy to bear
are lifted away on "the wings of prayer."

The words sang their way into my mind and helped soften my heart. Unhappiness hardens the heart and pushes Jesus, the Comforter, out. With the help of the love of my God, I am feeling better.

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Be merciful unto me, O God, be merciful unto me; for my soul trusteth in thee; yea, in the shadow of thy wings will I make my refuge, until these calamities be overpast. I will cry unto God most high; unto God that performeth all things for me. Psalm 57:1-2

I have decided to try and write my thoughts and emotions on my page. I haven't because I don't want to moan and complain. I am an adult and I shouldn't be whining all the time. And when I read what I write I ask God for forgiveness; because I know he doesn't want us to be complainers.

To me things seem to be continuing on that downward slide and they are pulling me along. Everyday I wonder how much more my mind can take. Really I don't want to have to deal with anything anymore. I count my blessings and say it can be worse; I am better off than a lot of people. But my emotions give me another feeling.

K. was backing out of a parking place and hit a car that was going past. Praise God no one was hurt. Our insurance has a high deductible to keep our premiums low so that leaves us paying for the damage to the car. Every time I think we are going to get ahead something comes along to bring me back down. We need to be doing some work on the truck and K. has been putting that off. Now we will be borrowing money but not for our use.

I went for my check up and was heart broke. I gained eight pounds after all my careful eating and deprivation. Then I wonder how many pounds I would have gained if I had been eating everything I wanted. I don't know what to do anymore. I am so tired of everything, of life its self.

I was seen by another doctor this time and I really talked to him. I had brought my notes where I had written down every muscle spasm, tremor, facial twitch, tingling feet and hands and mouth. I told him how hard I had been keeping track of every thing I ate and drank. How I had increased my physical activity. He looked at my chart and explained to me that my thyroid levels were good and my cortisol level was good and he really didn't know why I was still gaining weight. I told him I had gained almost forty pounds in a year; that can't be normal. Please, please help me in some kind of way. He said he would talk to the doctor over him and see what that man suggested.

I sat in that room and fought to get myself under control. I prayed for strength. The intern comes back and tells me that they are going to do blood work to see if I may be going through menopause; that sometimes causes weight gain. I am only 48 how is it possible that I am going through change of life. Plus they are going to check for cushing's disease but he said it is highly unlikely that I have that. This test is being done because I am loosing the strength in my legs again and I am still having tremors. But they are not going to do any testing until December 8th. I am so upset.

I have been crying again. Part of me wants to start eating and not think about what is going in my mouth. The other part of me wants to not eat at all. Part of me wants to go to bed and never get up again. The other part of me wants to run away and become a new person in a new part of the world and live before I die. I don't want to have to think about money, paying bills, food, automobiles, house repairs, clothes, medicine, electricity,.....life. God forgive me for my selfish thoughts.

Monday, November 1st, another month and week started. I can not figure out where the past ten months have gone. It feels like I just boxed up all the christmas decorations and sat down to drink a cup of tea; I turn on the tv to watch the weather station and at the bottom of the screen it says, November 1, 2004. It is shocking, I have almost lived through another whole year. The only thing I have accomplished is to gain twenty pounds. And that is something I don't wish to share. At the beginning of this year, I told myself I was definitely going to make some changes because I could not continue to just be alive; I want to live.

I made one change; I reached out for help. I went to a doctor. I was glad to find out that some of my problem was physical. I am still trying to get that part of my life resolved. The new year that is just around the corner hopefully will bring answers to my over all well being.

In answer to a question, the chair is not here. Where it is at, I don't know because I didn't ask.

I took the dress apart, made my pattern and finally managed to sew the dress back together. Whew, that took all my brain power. I don't think I'll tackle dress making for a while.

I want to mention that if you take the measurements as suggested in the pattern directions you pretty well guarantee that what you make will fit. You can't really go by the size of the pattern. That is why they give places to make adjustments.

I have been practicing knitting. Granny taught me when I was little but crocheting is my stress reliever. Well, it was at one time because I could do it without thinking. Things are different now. I was watching diy network and saw a segment where they were knitting a hat. It looked like an easy thing to do, she said all you needed was one skein of yarn and I have all kinds of yarns. I went to the computer and made a copy of the instructions and went to my yarn stash and found my knitting needles and a skein of yarn and tried and tried and wow it is not easy.

I couldn't hold the needles right. Year before last, I showed my niece how to knit and I can't understand why it seems like greek to me now. There are so many things I can't do any more. The simple things are not simple anymore. I have to remind myself to focus. Sometimes that doesn't help. I might have the hat made in time for christmas. HaHaHa