Thursday's visit with the psychologist was very enlightening for me. I had always felt that I was lacking in some way. That something was missing somewhere, somehow, and all these years I couldn't find it. Not that I felt something was wrong with me; but that I was not given or taught a very important life lesson.

Now I know what was kept from me and at my age I will have to learn something that should have been taught to me as a child. Because I was taught the opposite behavior. I was not taught "assertive behavior." I was taught that I did not have my own rights and feelings. The only thing that was important was pleasing my parents. As I aged, I tried pleasing everyone else. All my life my main concern was making sure everyone else had what was important to them at the expense of my own life. But I did not know this; I thought I was doing the right thing and when I made someone unhappy, I felt bad because I thought I had done something wrong. And if someone is angry and upset with me, I take all the responsibility.

It has been a great burden all these years. I have felt so much lighter, finding out that I was not wrong in feeling mistreated all these years by certain people. I always felt like I was the bad person; that I must be doing something wrong. The psychologist explained that it was not me. I was being treated with "disrepect". Okay, yes,I am very naive. But when I have tried to explain my feelings, what I felt was wrong, no one has ever spoken that word. Yes, it is the perfect word. I have been right! It feels strengthening! I am not losing my mind!

The psychologist explained that we must respect our own rights and feelings just like we have to respect other peoples. And I have to learn how to be "assertive". This is a whole new behavior for me. It is going to take a lot of practice. When she explained what "assertive behavior" was; I immediately knew what I was lacking. I am on the pathway to getting better. I love this paragraph; it says so much.

Being assertive does not mean being aggressive. Assertive behavior
is not hostile, blaming, threatening, demanding, or sarcastic.
Assertiveness differs from aggression in that standing up for
yourself does not trespass on the rights of others. Assertiveness means communicating what you want in a clear manner, respecting your own rights and feelings and the rights and feelings of others.

I don't feel like getting out of bed in the mornings. I am taking my calcium, my blood pressure medicine, and my lexapro. I have been taking lexapro for five weeks. This past Thursday the psychologist remarked that I looked tired. I told her I felt tired all the time; even in the morning after sleeping eight hours.

Yesterday, I made an attempt to hang my clothes in the closet. I have been getting them washed and dried. A minor miracle for me; but they don't usually get put up in their proper places. My closet door stays broken. I wrestle with it and get it re-hung on the runner, only to have the door fall off in a few days. I go through spells of not fixing it and laying the clothes on the floor in front of the closet. Not a good thing to do but it is so much easier. Anyway, I decided, I would do a little closet straightening and in the process, I found clothes and shoes I didn't remember having. It was another day of surprises; scary but kind of fun too. I really don't like this lost memory stuff.

A snake almost gave me a heart attack while I was walking this afternoon. My foot was up, I was fixing to take a step and I spotted it. I squealed and stumbled backwards and froze. I think I would have died if I had put my foot on it and felt it squirming. It wasn't a posionous one but still; I don't like them. The durn snake wouldn't go away. It seemed to be following me or there was more than one. I headed for the indoors.

The psychologist is trying to help me re-train the way I think. This is suppose to be the cause of my unhappiness, which in turn is the cause of my depression. It sounds logical and easy to do. I am finding out that even though I am using new words to express my thoughts, something is still out of synch.

I don't want to talk to people. Most of the time I can't think of anything to say. Or maybe it is because I think what I want to say is not going to make any sense to them. Or maybe I am afraid they won't like what I want to say. I know I don't like what they are saying to me. The only people I feel comfortable with are my husband and my sons and daughterinlaws. Everyone else makes me numb. When I am with other people, I can actually feel myself shutting down and withdrawing. I use to love talking. Now I can't get words to come out of my mouth.

I feel out of place everywhere I go. I feel like I am a square peg being forced into a round hole.

Thanks for everyone's concern. I was at a loss as to what happened to
my blog. I searched through the help section to see what I could find.
I decided to try republishing the entire blog, and surprise, it worked.

Things are in a turmoil. This time it is K and not me. He
has been having pain in his rib cage. Last month it was his left side;
but a friend gave him some samples of anti-inflamatory pills and he kept
going and it went away. Last week it started in his right side and I
"nagged" him until he decided to go to the charity hospital.

Monday we went and sat in the waiting room for eight hours before they
called him to ER. K kept wanting to walk out but each time I convinced him
to stay. I told him I had sat too long for us to up and leave. When
we finally made it to the ER, the nurse put us in a curtained off
cubicle and we stayed there thirty minutes before the doctor examined
K. He sent K to the lab for a chest xray.

The doctor showed us the xrays and pointed out a mass that could be seen on right side. My heart and stomach collided. K was sent for a ct scan to get a clearer picture. We sat in suspense for another hour. The scan had to be sent to another radiology lab because the one at charity was closed. We sat and held hands and waited. K didn't say anything.

After we had been sitting at the hospital for twelve hours, the doctor came and told us what the ct scan had shown. The mass was just scar tissue from a factured rib, thank God. But the upper part of K's abdomen was on the scan. The radiologist found several enlarged lymph nodes. The doctor referred K for a complete ct scan of his abdomen and pelvis. The appointment is May 18th.

The waiting is very difficult for me. For both of us. Please put us on ya'll's prayer list.

My sister emailed this story to me. I thought I would share it. I love, love, love it!!!!


Don't Let Granny Have A Gun

An elderly Florida lady did her shopping &, upon
returning to her car, found four males in the act of
leaving with her vehicle. She dropped her shopping
bags & drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the
top of her voice, "I have a gun & I know how to use
it! Get out of the car!"

The four men didn't wait for a second invitation.
They got out & ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken
then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back
of the car & got into the driver's seat.

She was so shaken that she could not get her key into
the ignition. She tried & tried & then it dawned on
her why... A few minutes later she found her own car
parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded
her bags into the car & drove to the police station.
The sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop
laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter
where four pale men were reporting a car jacking by a
mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five
feet tall, glassed, curly white hair & carrying a
loaded handgun.

No charges were filed.

If you're going to have a Senior Moment, make it a
memorable one.

I saw an unbelievable sight today. A hawk was flying above
the trees but something appeared wrong with it. At first glance,
the hawk seemed too large, then it looked like he had too many legs.
When he flew directly above me; I was shocked to see he was carrying
a rabbit. Okay, I know hawks are meat eaters, but that was a little
more than I needed to see.

I have not been to the movies by myself yet. I don't know if I will. I
did buy a dvd but I don't think the psychologist will accept that as
an equal substitute. I did not see her today because she called and cancelled
our meeting due to a emergency. So I have another week to decide if I want to
go by myself.

My feet and ankles have been bothering me just like they did before
surgery. I am having trouble walking. I have decided to stop jogging
but I will keep walking. Maybe I will divide the time into ten minute
walks. The doctors seemed to think that my parathyroid had something to do with my walking problem. In the mornings when I get out of bed, I am stumbling around like I did last year. My feet don't want to hold me up. Or is it my legs? All I know is it is very exasperating.

There is so much happening that I am stumbling with anxiety. The lexapro is keeping me sane but my mind is whirling like a top. I am frantic because I feel that everyone is expecting me to behave a certain way; and I don't want to perform like a trained monkey. I want to scream at the top of my lungs to leave me the hell alone. And that scares me because I don't act that way. But maybe that is the real me. I don't know any more.

My aunt fell and factured her hip and had to have a hip replacement. My mom is taking care of my granny. That means my dad is driving alone. That means I will be needed to help mom and dad. But I don't want to be needed right now. I don't want to do anything right now. I want to say no but I feel wrong when I say no and I feel wronged when I say yes.

When I came home from the doctor yesterday I wanted to dig a hole and crawl into it. I didn't want to come home. I wanted to drive to the end of the earth and fall off. I am tired of being tired. I am tired of being sick. I am tired of having to participate when I don't want to participate.

In January, all my blood work came back normal. This time I was told I am hypocalcemia. This we all kind of diagnosed ourselves. I was told to go back to 3000 mg. of calcium using tums, a calcium supplement like oscal and a multivitamin that includes calcium. I was told my glucose level is high. I could be diabetic or something may be wrong with my pancreas. I was told that I am menopausal and I must decide if I want to start estrogen therapy. The doctor told me about all the risks involved. Now, do I really want to add more health problems to what I am trying to deal with all ready?

What could have caused this drastic change in three months? May 9th, I go for more blood work. The doctor wants further testing for my glucose level and my calcium level.

I am happy to report that I have lost eight pounds. This success comes from consuming very few calories because I don't have an appetite and I am not eating very much. Could this possibly be why my glucose level is elevated?

I am trying to maintain a steady routine at the house. The psychologist told me to force myself to do more than sit. Like I said, the activities I enjoy doing involve sitting. I still do my walking and I am up to six minutes of jogging.

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Knowing this, that the trying of your faith worketh patience. But let patience have her perfect work, that ye may be perfect and entire wanting nothing. If any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, that giveth to all men liberally, and upbraideth not; and it shall be given him. But let him ask in faith, nothing wavering. For he that wavereth is like a wave of the sea driven with the wind and tossed. James 1: 3-6

I have been having problems connecting to blogger. I don't know if it is my browser. But there are a lot of web pages I have not been able to view. Thursday night I lost my post; the blogger monster ate it. Last night I kept getting the "page not found" message.

Thursday's visit to the psychologist was spent going over a list of negative thoughts that can lead to depression. So far she has not told me anything that I didn't already know. My homework this week is to go to the movies by myself. I don't know how this is suppose to help me. I have been to the movies alone many times and it does not give me a big thrill. She seems to think it will make me feel special. I don't think so!

Monday morning I have an appointment at the endocrine clinic. I am praying for good news.

I have a question that I have not been able to answer. When they took blood this time, I noticed that it wasn't the same color as all the other times. The last times it was dark red; this time my blood was brown colored. Does anyone have an answer?

Tomorrow morning is my weekly visit to the psychologist. My homework was to add to the list of pleasant activities we started during my last visit. I told her everything that at one time I had enjoyed doing but she felt that I needed to add other things. But all I had really enjoyed doing was reading, crocheting, sewing, birdwatching, gardening, walking, cooking, watching movies, traveling, and blogging. Well, let's say that is all I have done for most of my life; except for blogging, that is a new one. She has suggested that I think of things that gave me pleasure when I was younger. I need to find things that I can do that will help restore my happiness. And I need to do at least one thing every day that will make me feel good about myself.

I did not realize how hard that is to do. While I was on my trip, I felt good every day. (Except I refused to be in any pictures that were taken.) Since I have been home, I have become a couch potato again. I force myself to get up and do things and I end up sitting down again. I do my walking, I force myself to eat something, and I make my bread. The other activities are hard to get done. I am still crocheting on the afghan, but very little. Most of the time it is just laying on my lap. I have bought books and I do read but it doesn't hold my attention as long as it used to do. I have no desire to cook anymore. K eats a lot of sandwiches or take-out.

She said to force myself; that is easier said than done.

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Thus saith the Lord, thy Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel; I am the Lord thy God which teacheth thee to profit, which leadeth thee by the way that thou shouldest go. O that thou hadst hearkened to my commandments! then had thy peace been as a river and thy righteousness as the waves of the sea: There is no peace, saith the Lord, unto the wicked.
Isaiah 48:17-18, 22

I had a wonderful time visiting my son and daughterinlaw in Kentucky. To be truthful, I did not want to come home.

I did come back to a greener state. I hardly recognized my home this morning when I came home from the lab. It was dark when I made it home from my trip last night and still dark when I left this morning to go the lab at the charity hospital. When I turned onto our road and saw all the bright green leaves on the bushes and trees, I had to smile. The scenery in the other states were still in the midst of fall colors. My part of the world is green, with touches of bright floral colors. It is gorgeous.

While in Kentucky, I placed bets at the horse races and won. Yea for me!!!!! I only made minimum bets so only won a couple dollars in change but it was exciting.

I am feeling a little different emotionally. The best way to describe it is to say that the weight of the world on my shoulders is beginning to feel less heavy. I don't know if that helps anyone understand but it is best I can do. I still don't feel like being around people. Sometimes I think it is because of my weight problem. In the past I didn't want to be with people but I struggled and forced myself to socialize. Now I don't want anyone to see me and I cry about the weight I have gained. I know I should not allow this problem to have so much power over me; but it does.