Wow, a week has past since I wrote down my thoughts and feelings. I guess that must mean I am getting better. Or maybe not. When I started blogging I had to write every day or bust. It helped me keep my sanity. Now I have a problem focusing to put words to my thoughts. My mind reels all the time. Almost like it did before I had my surgery.

K is having pain in is back now. He is always hurting. He has to get up several times a night to move to his different sleeping places. He starts the night off in the bed; about one a.m. he moves to the recliner; about three a.m. he moves to the couch. The pain pills are giving him some relief; he couldn't make it without them, but K says the pain is always there, it never goes away.

It seems we are staying angry with each other all the time. I am continually wanting to holler at him. He sets my teeth on edge. In my eyes he is not taking care of himself and I want to tell him that. He won't use his oxygen, it has been three weeks. The time that he is at home, his eyes are closed. I do not get to see his eyes anymore. He was able to stay awake when he was getting oxygen. When I suggest it, he gets upset. And when he dozes while he is eating and I say open your eyes, he tells me to leave him alone. He is so short tempered with me, too. I know he has a lot to deal with; but all I can say is the cancer is affecting my life too. I am at my wits end. I get angry with him and then I get angry at myself for being angry towards him. I try to talk to him but he doesn't want to talk.

My frazzled feelings have made me start eating; yeah, great, but I am eating all the wrong foods. I am not eating because I am hungry, I am eating because of my emotions. All the junk food I am stuffing into my mouth is keeping my blood sugar high. I know what I am doing but it is hard to control.

I came home and went to bed early last night. I am sick again with diarrhea. My babies at the day care continue to be sick and thus I continue to be sick. We have had several cases of RSV infection. It is mind boggling that the daycare director still allows sick children to attend. The rule is "if they do not have a temperature" they can attend. Okay, they don't have a fever but they are still sick and passing the germ around. We wash and disinfect everything but the air we are breathing.

I feel it is a no win situation at work and at home.

Yesterday was a very pretty warm day. I went to the garden center and bought what I call small pansies. The tag on them said they are johhny jumpups. Too too beautiful! I wanted to buy something with color to brighten my little spot in the world. I do have one azalea that has bloomed. But I felt I needed more color. The jumpups are a very rich orange and purple blend; simply gorgeous. I want to have a small flower bed; right now they are in a flower pot and have a place of honor by the front steps. I also saw a very unusual looking plant called a joyweed. The leaves on it were red green and it has white thistle shaped buds or blooms. I am thinking about going back and buying it. It was so ugly it had to be cute. hahaha

Last night I started on an afghan. I plan on it being a present for christmas. I will probably want to give it before then; but my goal is christmas. Hopefully, I will crochet an afghan every month and by december I will have everyone's gift ready.

I haven't did any major house work yet. I still don't want to. Right now I am aiming for keeping myself happy. At this point of time, housework is stessing me. I am working on feeling different about it though.

I watched a movie today, that came out in 1998 called Simon Birch. It was something that I needed to see because it is about faith and destiny. I always wonder about why God put me here; what plan or purpose He has for me.

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And we know that all things work together for good to them that love God, to them who are the called according to his pupose. For who he did foreknow, he also did predestinate to be conformed to the image of his Son, that he might be the first born among many brethern. Moreover whom he did predestinate, them he also justified: and whom he justified, them he also glorified. Romans 8:28-30

I feel myself going into a slump. I haven't wanted to get out of bed in the mornings. I thank God for each day and I thank Him for loving me and I bury my head under the covers. Eventually, I get up and then it is a struggle to keep moving; to keep myself motivated. I don't want to do house work, I don't want to do yard work. I end up reading a book or sitting in front of the tv, not really watching it, just kinda zoned out. Right before time for work, I get dressed and fix my hair and leave the house. When I was at the doctor last, I told him that the zoloft was not helping me much, that I still had days that I cried a lot. He told me that there was nothing else he could give me. I hope when I go back, the doctors will be more understanding.

K is never here. I am still only getting to see him maybe two hours a day. I think that is what saddens me. He doesn't make the time to be with me, even when I beg. It is a shame but I do beg and plead with him to do something together. He leaves the house while I am asleep and comes home when I am asleep. I try to stay awake to wait up for him at night, but lately I have not been able to keep my eyes open and I am falling asleep before he comes home.

My car stalled out on me twice the other morning, in the middle of traffic. Once they start breaking down I don't want nothing to do with them. It is very stressful for me to get in it and drive to work every day. I am so fearful of breaking down on the way home from work in the dark. There are long stretches of road without houses and light. I do have a cell phone but 90% of the area is out of the service area. We still are doing a little repair work at a time on K's truck and now to think we have to start on the car. It is too much to deal with right now. I just wonder why God, why.

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I cried unto God with my voice, even unto God with my voice; and gave ear unto me. In the day of my trouble I sought the Lord: my sore ran in the night, and ceased not; my soul refused to be comforted. I remembered God, and was troubled; I complained, and my spirit was overwhelmed; Selah. Thou holdest mine eyes waking; I am so troubled that I cannot speak. I have considered the days of old, the years of ancient times. I call to remembrance my song in the night; I commune with mine own heart; and my spirit made diligent search. Will the Lord cast off for ever? and will he be favourable no more? Is his mercy clean gone for ever? doth his promise fail for evermore? Hath God forgotten to be gracious? hath he in anger shut up his tender mercies? Selah. And I said, This is my infirmity; but I will remember the years of the right hand of the most High. I will remember the works of the Lord; surely I will remember thy wonders of old. I will meditate also of all thy work, and talk of thy doings. Thy way, O God, is in the sanctuary; who is so great a God as our God? Thou art the God that doest wonders; thou hast declared thy strength among the people. Psalm 77:1-14

It has been a long week. I am very tired today, physically and emotionally. I did a small amount of major house cleaning yesterday; I chose to be a couch potato this morning.

Work began this year with children being promoted to the next level. Since I am working in the creeper room, ages 8 months to a year old. My children, who had started walking, were promoted to the toddler room. Now I have children that are just starting to crawl. This should have made it easier for me but I have two children that I have to give breathing treatments and all my babies are sick and are crying constantly and they are all wanting to be held and rocked or held and packed around. It has been emotionally draining listening to six crying children all week. I dread going back to work tomorrow. For some reason the daycare director allows the children to stay at the center has long as they are not running a temperature. But to my notion they are still passing their sickness around and everyone is staying sick.

I had finally gotten well and had enjoyed not being sick for only three days. Last wednesday I woke up coughing. Yesterday the medicine I had to start taking again finally kicked in and I have slacked off coughing but I am still congested.

The sun has been shining and it looks beautiful outside. But the wind has been gusting and chilly. I have braved the elements just to go outside and watch the hawks gliding across the cerulean sky, riding the wind. I close my eyes and imagine....if I only had wings......I could fly away from here.....and.....

Many things have been happening, some good, some not so good. K is doing good. We went to the doctor friday and his lungs are clear and his blood work showed no changes. Thank you God.

We finally are receiving two of K's prescriptions in the mail, free of cost to us. That is a big load off my shoulders. That is a charity that I want us to give to. So many people have prescriptions written and there is no way on God's green earth that they can pay for them. I would love to be able to thank everyone that helps others get the medicine that they need just to stay alive.

I went to see my dietitian and she told me I have to eat more. Blah! A couple of times my blood glucose has dropped down in the forty range. I felt I was doing better with my eating but I have a long ways to go. Most of what I eat does not have very many carbs. I know I am eating more because I did lose 40 pounds this year. I think it is so strange to associate eating lots of food with weight loss. But I know it works, because it has helped me. I am suppose to be eating 1800 calories a day but I haven't managed to do that. I feel I am doing good when I get 1000 calories. I still don't have an appetite and it is hard to eat what I do make myself eat. I am still searching for something that I will get excited about eating. Something that I would look forward to eating everyday. I don't even want to eat the soup that at one time was my favorite food.

I am so happy to announce that I bought myself a pair of classic fit, zip up jeans with no elastic in the waist! Yea for me!!!! I won't announce the size, that still upsets me, but I am excited about my blue jeans. Also I splurged and had my hair colored and styled. I let the stylist shorten it to chin length and give me a messy uncombed look and I feel I don't look so fiftyish in the mirror anymore. I look like a spring chicken in my denims!!!! hahaha!!!

K's mother is another story. We have not been talking very often since K was in the hospital because she has K in his grave all ready. She only wants to talk to me about his death. She has all ready ask me about where does he want to be buried. I tell her he is doing good and she comes back with no he is not. So I don't take her calls very often. I talked with one of K's aunts last night, who is a good friend of mine. She called me back a few hours later and was upset and crying. She told me she had talked with my mother-in-law when she got off the phone with me. She repeated some of what I told her and my mother-in-law accused me of not knowing what I am talking about because I say that K is doing good. Am I wrong to say he is doing good even though he has cancer? How should I answer someone when they ask me how K is doing? I am at a loss.

I did apply for a grant to go to school and was denied. I am going to talk with the advisor at a technical school to see what other help I can get. Plus I need to check on the hours of the classes because I need to keep working. Right now I am just checking around to see what is out there for me. I have a long ways to go and I know I will find it with God's help.

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Thus saith the Lord God; In the day that I shall have cleansed you from all your iniquities I will also cause you to dwell in the cities, and the wastes shall be builded. And the desolate land shall be tilled, whereas it lay desolate in the sight of all that passed by. And they shall say, This land that was desolate is become like the garden of Eden; and the waste and desolate and ruined cities are become fenced, and are inhabited. Then the heathen that are left round about you shall know that I the Lord build the ruined places, and plant that that was desolate:I the Lord have spoken it, and I will do it. Ezekiel 36:33-36