Thank you so much for the birdday wish! It has been a wonderful, although still a little sad, day. My oldest son and his wife came over for their last visit before they fly back to Kentucky. We played another round of wii games and had a good time. I have entered the wii contest at pringles.com. The game is so much fun to play with but a little too expensive for me to think about getting right now. Maybe I will be a winner and get one for free.

Next week I work 28 hours. I am hoping that the second week in January will show an increase in hours of work. If not I will be job hunting. I have been offerred a job in another part of the state. I am going to ask more questions about benefits and salary before I start packing up to move.

I haven't made any new year's resolutions. This year I don't want to. I will just keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep on going and pray for guidance from my heavenly Father.

I have spent the day crocheting and resting. I surprised myself and did manage to work my three twelve hour days without being totally exhausted. It was three days of listening to inconsolable crying toddlers; but I didn't quit my job. I had a strong urge to run screaming from the building but I took three ibuprofens with a tall cup of coffee and went back to my class room.

The hardest thing I face is the constant thought that K will be coming home. I have to keep reminding myself that he isn't going to be walking through the door. To me, paying bills is a minor thing right now, I want to talk to my husband, I want to sit my him, I want to lay by him, I want to be held by him, I miss him so much.

I am going to move forward. I can't imagine how right now; but I will.

I miss you my love.

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Hear me speedily, O Lord; my spirit faileth: hide not thy face from me, lest I be like unto them that go down into the pit. Cause me to hear thy lovingkindness in the morning; for in thee do I trust: cause me to know the way wherein I should walk; for I lift up my soul unto thee.
Psalm 143:7-8

Christmas was nice. My sons and daughterinlaws were with me and we were able to enjoy ourselves. I felt strange, I don't know about my boys. I haven't had a chance for a heart to heart talk with them. I kept wishing K was with us.

My oldest son brought his new wii game and I think I want one. You are able to physically play sports without leaving your living room. It is truly amazing. We were actually working up a sweat and having aching muscles from playing nintendo games.

I will be working from 6 a.m. to 6 p.m. the rest of the week to get 36 hours on my pay check. I am probably going to have to look for another job to be able to pay bills and have money left over. My boss doesn't think she will be able to give me 40 hours a week without letting someone go. I can wait a couple of weeks and pray about what to do.

December 31st is my birthday and I will be 51 years old. I can hardly believe that I am starting over at this time of my life. My skills are in child care and I would like to stay working where I am. I won't be making lots of money but if I can get enough hours, I can survive.

I am trying to decide what to do about the house. I want to keep it but an awful lot of work needs to be done on it. With a limited income, I will have a problem being able to do the big repairs and I won't be able to get a good price for it if I sell without doing repairs. If I sell I won't have a problem with having to pay for a place to live; I have a long list of people wanting me to come and live with them. I kinda like being on my own but at the same time I get lonely. I think I would like to have a smaller house. I have making a list of pros and cons to help with the decision making.

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Fear thou not; for I am with thee: be not dismayed; for I am thy God: I will strengthen thee: yea, I will help thee; yea, I will uphold thee with the right hand of my righteousness. Isaiah 41:10

Tomorrow is christmas eve. My son is flying in from kentucky. I can't believe that a year has come and gone already. It seems I just put away the christmas decorations. Truth be told, I still have snowmen sitting out from last christmas that I didn't put away.

I feel awkward trying to celebrate christmas. Christmas is celebrating the birth of Christ; I am still feeling the pangs of a death. I am joyful in Christ; my heart still hurts.

I do not have any gifts to exchange for I have not shopped. I go to work and come back to the house and sleep. This evening I did go with my sister to look at some christmas lights.

I am still numb. I go through the motions of being alive. The house is empty; it doesn't feel like home. I feel I am adrift without an anchor, floating aimlessly.

There are a lot of decisions still to make. I am ready to begin the new phase of my life; eventually I will make those decisions.

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The Lord is my shepherd: I shall not want. He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters. He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake. Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.
Psalms 23

Today it is a week since my husband passed away. I have been by myself in the house for four days and three nights. I am doing all right on my own. Although at times I find myself watching the clock, thinking that he will be walking through the door in a few minutes.

I don't have to stay alone; I choose to, right now. It is a way for me to think and pray and I need to do that. I will go back to work tomorrow. My boss said to take as much time off as I needed; my job would be available when I was ready. What I need is to go back to work and keep my mind occupied. I went to the daycare friday and visited my babies. They were as excited to see me as I was to see them. I do enjoy being with them, stinky diapers and all.

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Thus saith the Lord, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches: But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the Lord.
Jeremiah 9:23-24

My husband passed away at 7:53 a.m. yesterday. I find myself still watching the clock and wondering where he is at and what time he will come home. I feel I have been broken in half.

Thankfully, he was not in any pain the last weeks of his life. His suffering was from not being able to even go outside on the porch. We put his bed by the window and kept the front door open so he could see out as much as possible.

He went gently and I praise God for allowing it. I was so afraid he would begin to feel smothered and panic. When he began to have trouble breathing he lost conciousness and died peacefully.