I wouldn't have believed it if someone would have told me that you can miss a bird after it is gone. I really miss the tweeting and chirping Baby was always doing. I am continually glancing at the spot where her cage was at to see what she is doing because I don't hear her. Then I am reminded that she isn't here. She was a part of me for a good many years.

There are still changes going on in my life. I feel I am in a constant whirl and I really need to rest and get my feet back on solid ground. My co-worker was fired Friday. She just wasn't dependable. She was constantly calling in sick and showing up late for work. I think the straw that finally broke the camel's back was her not thinking it was important enough to attend a mandatory health and safety meeting last week.

I had only worked with her a month after my other co-worker quit to seek a higher paying job. I was just getting into a routine and learning her quirks. Now I will have to adapt to another person. Plus we will be promoting children that have learned to walk to the toddler room and I will be getting a new group of babies. They will be adjusting to me and I to them. I feel I am physically and mentally worn out.

I had to bury my sweet cockatiel today. She would have been 16 in July. I just keep asking God how much more do I have to suffer. She was fine this morning. I went to check her food and water and visit with her about noon. She was at the bottom of her cage. At first I didn't realize anything was wrong and I was chatting away. Then I noticed she didn't move. My heart is so heavy. I called K and he came home and we buried my BabyGirl.

I remember the first time I saw her at the pet store. We always went there to see the birds and animals and other little creatures they sold. They had a new batch of baby cockatiels and this particular one came and stuck its head right through the bars to be petted. I fell in love. Of course I didn't want to pay seventyfive dollars to own a bird. We always had parakeets, you can find them for five to ten dollars but for some reason they never lived very long. But I couldn't get the little bird off my mind. Every week for about a month, we went by the pet store and I was excited that the little bird was still there. It waddled to the bars on the cage and stuck it's little head out. A worker came and took it out of the cage and put the little cockatiel on his shoulder. It snuggled against his neck and was as content as could be. He told me that it was a female and he had been hand taming all the baby birds that were in the cage.

When I got home I told K about her. This was the first time I had ever considered paying that much for a pet. All the pets we ever had were usually given to us. We had bought a few fish for our aquarium and a couple of parakeets, but those were basically inexpensive. This little cockatiel was special. K went with us to the petstore and I told him if she was still there she was coming home with me. And she was, she waddled up to the bars and stuck that little head out. She came home with me that day. She was my BabyGirl. We were the two females in the house. I miss her already.

We heard good news from the oncologist. The bone cancer has not spread, it is being contained in the same original spots. That lifted K's spirit a great deal. His potassium level has come down and the doctor took him off the kayexalate. I am glad because I was afraid to give him any more of it. The doctor talked to K again about his smoking. He asked K if he realized that nicotine destroyed bone cells. He told him that he was damaging good lung cells and bone cells by smoking; he was helping the cancer destroy himself.


I took off work yesterday to go to the oncologist with K. When we made it back to the house, I decided to go to the beauty shop. I had been putting it off, telling myself that my hair didn't look that bad. But with the temperature getting in the nineties, the back of my neck was sweating and that kept the hair touching my neck wet. It was in the awkward stage of too short to put up or put a clip on it, needless to say, it was beginning to drive me crazy. I went around with one hand constantly lifting it off my neck and I need both hands to work with. hahaha

While the beautician was trimming, I was asking about hair color. My root line has been appearing in like a skunk stripe through the top of my head. I can't stand it so I am coloring my hair every four weeks. Since I do it myself, I am ending up with a variety of shades even though I use the same color. I am ready to be my natural self but according to the beautician I have to go through the dreaded growing out process of having a white section and a dark section until the hair is long enough to cut the dark color off; talk about looking like a skunk! She suggested I use a dark blonde color and keep going to lighter shades until the brown shade grows out. Well, I came home and put the blonde in and now you can nickname me "carrot top." It is not quite strawberry blonde, I'd say orange blonde maybe. It is a very odd shade to say the least. Talk about a sight staring back at me from the mirror! K said "boy, you really did it red this time."

Last summer when the beautician suggested blonde, I had less white/gray hair and it only left nice highlights. This time I guess the whole front of my head is white/gray and I am walking around with neon hair. It is not a pretty shade at all. Oh, well, I am not the only woman that has made a mistake with store bought hair color.

I serve a risen Savior, He's in the world today;
I know that He is living, whatever men may say.
I see his hand of mercy, I hear His voice of cheer
and, just the time I need Him, He's always near.
He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today!
He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way.
He lives, He lives salvation to impart!
You ask me how I know He lives?
He lives within my heart!

Alfred H. Ackley


Thank you Jesus for dying on the cross for me! I love to sing that song. The words mean so much to me.

It was a hard week at work. The children cried every day. I am glad the daycare closed for good friday even though I will have a short pay check.

It is so beautiful outside with the green leaves against the blue sky. The hummingbirds are back and I have my feeders out for them. I will be glad when the creepie crawlies are gone and I can sit outside without worrying something will get on me. I try to stay outside now but I am constantly on guard and I feel my blood pressure getting high. I have to rush inside and calm down.

The flowering hedges are in bloom and their heavy fragrance has my head aching and eyes and nose running. I may be getting whiplash from all the sneezing I do.

K gave me two easter lilies, one classic white and one soft yellow with brown stamens. He also gave me a card and what he wrote in it has me baffled. I didn't know how to respond and it is still on my mind. I know that we view things differently. But...., still...., he wrote, "I appreciate everything you have been doing for me." From my standpoint, I haven't been doing anything different for him now that I have done for thirtyone years. I don't know maybe it is just me.

The new medicine is keeping K nauseated. Not just nauseated, he has been throwing up. I don't want him to take anymore of it. I am glad we will be going to the oncologist tuesday so we can talk to him.


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These are words which I spake unto you, while I was yet with you, that all things must be fulfilled, which were written in the law of Moses, and in the prophets, and in the psalms, concerning me. Thus it is written, and thus it behoved Christ to suffer, and to rise from the dead the third day: And that repentance and remission of sins should be preached in his name among all nations, beginning at Jerusalem. And ye are witnessed of these things. And, behold, I send the promise of my Father upon you: but tarry ye in the city of Jerusalem, until ye be endued with power from on high.

St. Luke 24:44, 46-49

It has been a beautiful day. I had the pleasure of watching a mocking bird taking a bath by fluttering his head and wings in the rain drops in some bushes by the house. I have never seen such a sight. The bird was enjoying itself so much that I was able to get close because he never noticed me. He would dart through some leaves and get wet and fluff himself and dart back through another cluster of leaves and shake and fluff some more. I would almost swear I saw a grin on his beak and maybe he let loose a laugh or two. For a moment I was stress free and I thanked God for the simple pleasure of bird watching.

I went to the drugstore and bought a portion of the new medicine this morning. It would have cost over $200 for the full amount. K is suppose to take it every three days so the pharmacy is just giving me two doses at a time. They also let me know that we can open an interest free account if necessary to help us get the medicine. It is wonderful to meet caring and understanding people.

The devil is steadily coming up with stumbling blocks to bring me to my knees. God is always there to stretch forth His hand to help me back up.

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Bow down thine ear, O Lord, hear me: for I am poor and needy, Preserve my soul; for I am holy: O thou my God, save thy servant that trusteth in thee. Be merciful unto me, O Lord: for I cry unto thee daily. Rejoice the soul of thy servant: for unto thee, O Lord, do I lift up my soul. For thou, Lord, art good, and ready to forgive; and plenteous in mercy unto all them that call upon thee. Give ear, O Lord, unto my prayer; and attend to the voice of my supplications. In the day of my trouble I will call upon thee: for thou wilt answer me. Psalms 86:1-7

I have been calling around looking for a drugstore that has the medicine that K's doctor prescribed today. It cost so much and I guess there is not enough people taking it that the stores don't have it on hand. I will try some more in the morning.

K's potassium level is increasing because of the bone tumors. This will cause heart and kidney problems if not corrected. The doctor gave us the new prescription today and he knows our problems and that we can not pay for our medicine. I wonder sometimes if he even cares.

I have nicknamed this particular doctor, Dr. Doom, from the first time I met him when K was hospitalized. He told me K wasn't going to live and I needed to prepare myself. No other doctor told me that and I must have met over a dozen during the week K was there. Dr. Doom became K's lung specialist and he is still telling us to prepare ourselves. He told K today that he might have six good months left. Then prescribes him medicine that I have not even found and probably can't pay for it when I do find it. He is the doctor that put K on eight hundred dollars worth of medicine. K would have died if we hadn't found a program to help us get it.

K was very upset, naturally, when we left the doctor's office. I don't know if it is a good thing, telling someone they only have a few months to live. Being told that effects people differently. With K, he wants to just quit altogether. I think I would try to cram as much living as possible in the few months I had left. I would be doing everything possible to prolong my life. Yes, I know, everyone is different, like I said before. It is just hard, watching him give up. I pray for wisdom to know the right words to help him.

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The Lord God hath given me the tongue of the learned, that I should know how to speak a word in season to him that is weary: he wakeneth morning by morning, he wakeneth mine ear to hear as the learned. Isaiah 50:4