A wren was trying its best to make a nest on the ledge of the living room window. I watched it gather some moss and twigs in the corner of the window. A strong breeze would come and blow it down. The little wren would come back and look around; lay her new twigs in the corner and start over. Eventually, it must have learned its lesson because it stopped coming back.

My afghan isn't coming along too good. I can't keep my mind on the stitches and I am having to stop and count too often. I have laid it to the side and started another project.

I decided to take my favorite day dress apart to make a pattern. A few years ago, I bought up a lot of fabric to make dresses. That is about the time I began to stop doing a lot of things. I used to have an addiction for fabric. I couldn't leave the store without some. Now I don't even browse through it. I don't even go to the stores any more.

But anyway, I plan to make a couple of day dresses. Hopefully, my brain will behave itself and I will finish this project.

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I will be glad and rejoice in thy mercy: for thou hast considered my trouble; thou hast known my soul in adversities; And hast not shut me up into the hand of the enemy: thou hast set my feet in a large room. Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble; mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly. For my life is spent with grief, and my years with sighing; my strength faileth because of mine iniquity, and my bones are consumed. Psalm 31:7-10

I made several trips in and out of the house last night watching the eclipse of the moon. It was something to see; especially while it was changing colors. It was breath taking.

Another sight that took my breath away was seeing "Mrs. P" in a post at The Birdies 100 Blog, about a mysterious anonymous comment. I had to gasp for breath as I re-read the post to see if my eyes were playing tricks with my mind. It does happen some times. But I had read it correctly. I clicked on the link provided to read the anonymous comment that someone says I may have left. Yes, I have visited GrannyBird's blog. I found her blog one day while I was visiting QuiltyBird's blog. I clicked on a link on her page and found a whole bunch of feathered friends. GrannyBird's posts were so wonderful that I didn't even notice punctuation. I must admit that I don't know enough about comma's to make a comment about them. HaHa It wasn't me!!! HaHaHa What fun!!!!

I have had my head stuck in my cook books; looking for inspiration on some new quick bread recipes and candy recipes. Last year I averaged around 200 dollars a month selling my quick breads. During the holidays I made up some "cookies in a jar" mix and sold those. I didn't make a big profit on them because I had to buy the jars. I was going to save mayo jars for this year but my brain hasn't been working too good. I just remembered the other day about the jars. Towards the end of last year I was getting tired easily and slacked off on my bread making. Now I average around 100 dollars a month. I am trying to get my sells back up. I can't seem to get myself back on task.

I find that I am still loosing my concentration. In the mornings while I am drinking my first cup of coffee my mind wanders off and before I realize it my coffee has grown cold and an hour has slipped by. I'll be busy and then I'll be sitting on the couch doing nothing. I am not my old self. If this doctor tells me everything is looking good I have to find another doctor that will help me get back to normal.

I have decided to make candy to sell this holiday season. I am looking for recipes that are inexpensive to make so I can make a bigger profit than I do with my bread.

This year I want to make a fruit cake. I was reading the recipes for fruit cakes and I am amazed at the variety of ingredients that people use. I found this interesting site for fruit cakes. I just assumed they were made with the candied fruits that I have seen in the grocery stores; but that is not the case. Granny never made fruit cakes; her specialty was pies. Mom didn't either. I guess because she never liked them and dad didn't ask her to make any. K.'s dad's family has a cake they make for the holidays that they call a fruit cake. Actually the only fruit in it is blackberry jam and another name for the recipe is "jam cake". I found the exact recipe in one of my cook books. K.'s family has been making this cake for over fifty years. It is a delicious cake.

Well it is back to the kitchen for me. I have to get some bread in the oven.

I caught a glimpse of a small yellow colored bird in a tree outside my window this morning. I stopped and studied the precious little thing; wondering what kind it was. It wasn't moving very much; just sitting on the branch and looking around. That's really all I noticed was some head movement. I eased away from the window so as not to alarm it; I wanted to get my binoculars. When I came back it was still there and I sighted on it. It wasn't there, I lowered my binoculars and looked again. Yes, I saw it. I looked through the binoculars; no bird. But.....I did see this pretty yellow leaf that just happen to have some brown spots that could be mistaken for eyes and a beak. Oh my, was my face red. Thank goodness I was alone.

The day I had my hair styled I talked with the beautician about coloring my hair. I have been coloring my own hair with Loving Clairol's semi-permanent color for years. But I have more white strands in my hair and the color I use takes on a pink tint after the first hair washing. I was considering going with a permanent color and was asking about costs. That day she was out of the color that she wanted for me and told me to check back this week.

I called her back and we were discussing costs and I asked her if I was going to get a lower cost for the color since she had all ready cut my hair. When she told me no the price was still the same that it didn't include the hair cut; I was shocked. I told her it was a good thing that she didn't have the color that day because I thought the price she quoted was for everything. God was watching over me that day.

Women in all walks of life should be able to go to a beauty shop if they want to. We all want to look out best and I feel that if my hair looks good, then I'm doing great. It is a shame that it costs so much and women have to do without. At least for me that is; I don't budget for a trip to the beauty shop. That isn't even on the list.

If I was a beautician, I would make sure that I could help everyone. Some how or another I would make myself available to every woman and child even if I had to go to their homes to do their hair. And I would also want to be able to show them how to do their make up inexpensively if they were interested.

At least that is how I feel. I know outward beauty is not suppose to be important. But I know that looking my best helps me in my daily walk.

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Go to now, ye that say, Today or tomorrow we will go into such a city, and continue there a year, and buy and sell, and get gain: Whereas ye know not what shall be on the morrow. For what is your life? It is even a vapour, that appeareth for a little time, and then vanisheth away. For that ye ought to say, If the Lord will, we shall live, and do this, or that.
James 4:13-15

My sweet granny has finally been diagnosed. She was complaining with jaw pain and the doctors or dentists could not find a reason why she was having it. We took her to every type of doctor and even a chiropractor. My aunt even took granny to several hospital emergency rooms; hoping the doctor on call would be able to find the problem. Because we couldn't treat what we couldn't find. For months we have watched her lose weight because she refused to eat or drink; afraid that the pain she sometimes felt when she opened her mouth would reappear. She would only eat about once a day with a whole lot of coaxing with tough love.

An ear, nose, and throat doctor is treating her for shingles. She had a real bad case sixteen years ago. Now at age 99, she has the form that does not have the blisters. Thank goodness, because this time the virus has settled in a nerve in her jaw. At least, that is what this doctor is saying. He has her on medicine but so far the pain is still there. I hope he is correct so my sweet granny can be pain free again.

I'm Still Me

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Yesterday I was outside enjoying the warmth of the sun surrounding me. I feel I am at my strongest, at my best, in the sun rays; like I can take on the world. Last night as I was talking with God, this phrase came to me when I was thanking him for the sun- "I was looking into God's eyes". And I got out of bed and wrote it down. When I am in the sun I feel the touch of God, like he has placed his hand on my head. I feel his presence so strongly that my heart always quickens with his love for me and my love for him. My God is an awesome God.

I have stayed hungry all week and I have lost an inch in my waist. I don't have weight scales, I threw a set away many years ago and I won't bring another into the house. I was obsessed with numbers and broke that habit. Now I just go by how my blue jeans fit. Also I have added another thirty minutes of exercise to my day. No set routines yet; just a few minutes here and a few minutes there. As long as I get my hour a day.

The chair is still on the porch. While I prayed the other night the chair became just a what it is. I don't know how I feel about it now. But something has kept me from bringing it inside. I do want to make sure that K. gets the message. But knowing him he will keep walking past it and never give another thought as to why it is there. He hasn't said anything else. I got the silent treatment the first night; along with slamming doors. Now we are slipping back into the same pattern as if I have not explained to him things have to change. He has not said he was going to fix anything. He is still just getting ready for hunting season.

I went this morning and splurged on a new hair style. Then I went to my mom's and she asked me how many pounds had I lost. Wow, the wonders of a new do is amazing! I told her I didn't think I had lost any. I was wearing a black shirt and black is suppose to be slimming; so maybe a combination of a black shirt and shorter hair did the trick. Anyway, I feel better. :)

The Chair, But It's Not The Chair

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This morning I cried. I couldn't stop. I had reached the end of my rope. And I fell, to the bottom of the pit. Maybe I will be able to climb out stronger. I hope so. K. didn't know what to do. He never has known. I have told him time and time again. I am so tired of his disrespect. I am so tired of my mother in law disrespecting both of us. I pray to God for guidance to be the most loving mother in law I can be to my "daughters".

She calls and says she has a recliner we can have. This is a woman who has no money worries. She gives nice furniture to her other children all the time. Buys them everything they want. Oh, she also pays for their trips to dentist and doctors so they don't have to go to charity. Buys their medicine too. Can't seem to do enough for them and they make more a month than we do. She has some nice chairs and I wonder which one it is. I have a feeling, you know, my skin kinda crawls a little. When he gets back and I see what chair he has I get sick to my stomach. It is thread bare and the cushioned back is flat from use. It has a hole in the seat and the arms are black with filth. It was one that she had taken from a renter in lieu of rent owed and the chair had been on her back porch since spring. I remember her telling us one day that the dogs had peed on it. It wasn't good enough to put in her own living room but good enough for me. And the idea that K. felt it was good enough for us made me nauseous. I ask him why had he brought that chair home. I ask him what went through his head when he looked at it. I asked him if he had thought about me when he saw what chair she was giving to us. All he could say was we can throw a sheet over it. And I lost all control. I cried so hard it hurt. I told him he can haul that chair right back over their and tell his mom she can kiss my ass and he can kiss it too. I reminded him that we had talked about trying to get good furniture. And we had talked about getting the floor done. I hated it when anyone came over and saw the conditions I live in. It is embarrassing. I get the blame for it. Not him. All he can say is you know I don't make enough money and I am not going to get another job.

It is like I saw myself in that recliner. I saw no changes in the future. I would continue to me stretched out on the floor and walked on. God I don't know how to change things.

I told him I couldn't live like this any more. I have lowered my standard of life too long and as he could tell it is slowly killing me. It is my fault, I allowed it, I accept all responsibility. The idea that his mom thought that chair was good enough for me was horrible. But the idea that my husband feels that I don't deserve better and the chair isn't the first road side trash he has brought home to me, is heart breaking. The furniture I have not very many people would have in their home. I have holes in the ceiling he is not worried about fixing. My floors have sunk in places. And I have let it continue. He says we don't have enough money but he joined two hunting clubs this year. When it comes to him he has the money. When it affects me and my wants and needs it doesn't happen. The only reason there is a computer in the house is because he needed it for work. But he found a broken table we propped up to set the computer on and he brought home a chair someone had set out for the garbage. He acts like it is no big deal and I wonder about it sometimes. I have asked, begged, threatened and he doesn't change. I don't want to move back home with my parents. I have no job skills and could not make it on minimum wage. I feel that he knows there isn't much I can do and as long as I allow myself to be taken for granted it will continue.

I am still here. And I imagine the chair will be sitting in the house tonight. God show me the way.

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I love the Lord, because he hath heard my voice and my supplications. Because he hath inclined his ear unto me, therefore will I call upon him as long as I live. The sorrows of death compassed me, and the pains of hell gat hold upon me: I found trouble and sorrow. Then called I upon the name of the Lord; O Lord, I beseech thee, deliver my soul. Gracious is the Lord, and righteous; yea, our God is merciful. The Lord preserveth the simple; I was brought low, and he helped me. Return unto thy rest, O my soul; for the Lord hath dealt bountifully with thee.
Psalm 116:1-7

Who Would Have Guessed?

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I have still trying to figure out who is at fault. Me, for not asking enough questions, the doctor for having too many patients, or for the powers that be for having a screwed up system. It is scary for me; that I have to keep going to charity. I do know that all hosipitals and clinics make mistakes but when it happens to me; I tend to forget every one else.

I finally get to the endocrine clinic. I had my height measured today. The last time that was done, I was being measured for my high school graduation gown. I have shrunk an inch and a half and I have gained seventy pounds since my senior year. This morning at nine o'clock my blood pressure was 168/88. {Sigh.......}

I told the doctor about my muscle spasms and severe leg cramps and facial twitches and headache. I told her that for a month and a half after surgery I felt great. Then I started feeling like I did before surgery. She tells me I am taking too much calcium and have too much calcium in my body. I told her I was taking what the surgeon instructed me to take. Now I have to wean my body from calcium. November fifth I go back to the lab to give more blood to see if I have the correct amount of calcium in my blood.

I ask her if it is possible that my weight problem might be a thyroid problem. This young thin doctor gives me a smirk and says, "oh, you can't blame that on your thyroid." My posture corrected its self and I looked her in the eye and explained, "excuse me, my other doctor suggested the idea to me and also the surgeon told me that the surgery might help. I have changed my eating habits tremendously over the years and I am just asking a question." Then she gets serious and we talk counting calories and exercise and I am doing all that. That is why I am confused.

During the two weeks after surgery I lost twelve pounds. But I couldn't eat because by throat was sore from the tube. I drank broth and ate jello and my stomach cramped because it was so empty. I have lost weight before from starvation dieting and as soon as I added a salad to the liquid diet; I gained weight again.

To get my blood pressure under control, I have to lose weight. That's the bottom line.

GrannysDaughter, I have been meaning to tell you about my pedometer. I am so glad you have one. I bought an inexpensive one I came across at walmart. The only peeve I have about it is, it only wants to work when I am wearing bluejeans. When I clip it to the waist of my sweat pants, it will not count steps. ARGHHHHHHH!!!!!

Creating Again

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I feel so much better when I come to my little space on the web and find caring comments from ya'll. I would like to visit your pages and learn a little of your daily lives. Do any of you have a blog?

I have been doing some extra eating; I cook to add joy to my world and that involves eating. Eating causes the battle of the bulge; and the circle of dieting continues. I made QuiltyBird's tortilla soup and we will be eating it more often. Even K. enjoyed it; well anything that has chips and cheese is a winner with him. I didn't add cheese to my bowl of soup, it was delicious straight from the pot.

Tonight I made creamy chicken spinach soup. I don't know how K. will react to this one. Probably won't even try it. He will have to make do with a sandwich. I found the recipe in a weight watchers cookbook my sister gave me. The book is titled "5 Ingredient 15 Minute Cookbook" and it has some great stuff in it. This soup uses a package of refrigerated cheese tortellini which I replaced with a bag of dry tortellini. It was my one extravagance at the grocery store. With the tortellini you use frozen spinach, cream of chicken soup, diced chicken, chicken broth, milk and seasonings. If you are not a fan of spinach, you will not like this soup. I love spinach and usually eat it one way or another at least twice a week. I love this soup! This is my first time to buy tortellini. I will have to shop around for an inexpensive version or find a substitute. Any ideas?

I have finally started a craft project. I haven't made anything in some time and it feels good to do something constructive. I am crocheting an afghan using a pattern from an old Leisure Arts leaflet I bought in 1984. The pattern is the v-stitch shell. It works up pretty fast. I am doing it in hunter green and a variegated yarn that has the colors mauve, navy, hunter green, tan, and brown. I decided to add a row of the variegated for two out of ten rows of the v-stitch and as the single stitch row between each shell row. It is coming together nicely. I tried to post a picture of the yarn but my ftp site was not being recognized by my software program. Some kind of glitch I will have to figure out. I will definitely try to show you the finished product.

Human Emotions

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I don't know how to put into words how I have been feeling. The headache is coming more frequently with only days in between. The left side of my face has developed a twitch. I am beginning to believe the headache is from emotional problems; not physical problems.

We went to walmart tuesday and I found myself enveloped in a blue mood. I had picked out my yarn and K. had put some hunting and fishing dodads in the buggy. We had $70 worth of stuff and we hadn't even made it to the grocery side of the store. There were other things I was wanting to get but we needed food. Now I was down to scratching items off my grocery list so we could afford to pay for our non-food items. I had to fight a strong urge to sit in the aisle and cry like a baby.

We have been married thirty years and we are still pinching pennies. I had thought by now we would have extra money left over every month that would be ours not creditors. K. would have worked long enough and would be earning senority pay. I blame him because he has turned down so many good jobs to stay at a low paying dead end job that offers no chance at an increase in pay, no chance at moving up and no insurance. But he says he is likes where he is at. He blames me because I am at home and not working. I quit my job four years ago when the headaches started. Things were not good at home and I had problems at work and I had to make a choice. I chose to not work and try to fix the problems at home. K. didn't understand how hard it was to maintain my sanity with a jackhammer going in my head and work 8 to 10 hours doing customer service and then come home and work another 8 to 10 hours doing family service. Things just started going down hill and they haven't stopped rolling.

I hate feeling sorry for my self because others are worse off. I am only human.

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For thou art my hope, O Lord God: thou art my trust from my youth. By thee have I been holden up from the womb: thou at he that took me out of my mother's bowels: my praise shall be continually of thee. I am as a wonder unto many; but thou art my strong refuge. Let my mouth be filled with thy praise and with thy honour all the day. Cast me not off in the time of old age; forsake me not when my strength faileth. Psalms 71:5-9

Healthy or What?

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I am getting creative in the exercise business. Or I guess you could say I am trying to add more moving around to my love of sedentary life. I am a crafter and that involves a lot of butt time not feet time. My love of cooking does keep me on my feet but there is no aerobics involved.

I did find out that there is still some zip in my hips. I can keep a hula hoop up and twirling without throwing my back out! HaHaHa My five year old niece really got a kick out of watching me play with her hula hoop.

Most articles on exercise state that a person does not need to own gym equipment to get a good workout. Everything you need is already right in your own home. I was reading about walking being the best exercise for heart health and it helps with weight loss. And walking is something I don't mind doing. I read that from 2000-2500 steps equals a mile depending on your stride. I bought a pedometer instead of a treadmill. I found out I can average 2 miles a day. I do my walking by circling my house when the weather is good and on rainy days I have a hall way I walk up and down until I do my 2 miles. I am getting a little faster and I hope to be up to 3 miles real soon. I try to do crunches for my abs but I don't think I do enough of them to amount to anything. I want to get into lifting weights for bone health but right now I think I will stick to walking for heart health.