A sweetness to the soul

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I bought a book because of the title: A Sweetness To the Soul. Most of the time I choose a book because of the picture on the cover. Usually the book isn't to my liking. I need to practice the old wive's tale; never judge a book by it's cover. But this book called out to me. I had to have it. I brought it home with me and took it out of the bag as soon as possible. It is a very good historical novel.

I yearn for a sweetness to my soul. My heart cries out for it. The author, Jane Kirkpatrick, chose her title from this Bible verse:

The desire accomplished is sweet to the soul: but it is abomination to fools to depart from evil. Proverbs 13: 19 kjv

The living translation words it this way:

It is pleasant to see dreams come true, but fools will not turn from evil to attain them.

Desire accomplished seems stronger than dreams come true. I have dreams but I also have desires. To me the words are totally different. The Webster dictionary defines desire as a thing wished for and defines dream as a fond hope. I consider the word desire used in a christian text as a much stronger word than fond hope. Proverbs 13:12 states; Hope deferred maketh the heart sick: but when the desire cometh, it is a tree of life. That is a strong statement.

Another verse that her book is based on is:

For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, saith the Lord, thoughts of peace, and not of evil, to give you an expected end. Jeremiah 29:11

Such wonderful words from my Lord!

Another day

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I spent the best part of the day being a couch potato or rather a rocker potato. K. was home till 4 today. He has been sick at times. At other times he appears normal. He's been sleeping on the couch again. Says he can't breathe in the bed. But he sleeps very well on the couch. He woke me up when he left the house at 4:35 this morning. He can do this without the clock being set. That's why it irritates me when he stays in bed until ten when he isn't leaving the house. I know he chooses not to get up. He says I don't wake him up. But even when I tell him what time it is; he doesn't answer me. He came back home around 6:30, I woke up when he closed the door. He does what he wants when he wants. I can't seem to function when he's around. That is another thing I have to change about myself.

It is very cold in the back room. I don't know why I'm staying so long. I have to sit on my hands every so often to warm them up. Big buns are good for some things. haha It is suppose to get real cold again. I might have to start wearing a scarf over my face to keep my nose from freezing off. This is my outlet as long as I can keep it private. I don't dare put my thoughts on paper; it might get found. Someone around here keeps going through my things.

I have been playing around with my template again. I removed my comment link and tried putting in a shout box. I like it better because it is more for making contact than commenting. I had so much trouble with it that I redid the comment link and it is more to my liking. Then for the heck of it, I tried the shout box again and BAM there it is! It posted the wrong time; I'll have to work on that. I have comments and a shout box. Who would believe it. I'll leave it like that for now.

Better get back to the warm part of the house. Gotta protect my hands, feet, and nose. Plus I have to get some bread in the oven. Then I will be a couch potato. :)

Authentic Self

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One of the hardest parts of living is not being myself. Or being true to who I am. Me. I have been living a fictional self. I have not always known this. I have known something was not right in my life. But I always assumed it was my relationship with God. That I was neglecting my christianity too often. That is partly true but it wasn't the whole problem.

I started buying and reading self help books after one year of marriage. That is when my life as me seem to stop. My life turned upside down and after 29 years, 5 months, and 25 days it has steadily gotten worse. I have tried everything I could figure out to change how I was feeling, except divorce. Now I have discovered the main cause of my unhappiness and I want my life back. These words touched the sore spot in me;

"When you're not living faithfully to your authentic self, you find yourself feeling incomplete, as if there is a hole in your soul. You may have found that it's easier to fill the roles your family and friends expect of you, rather than becoming who you really want to be. Living this way drains you of the critical life energy you need to pursue the things you truly value."

I haven't figured out how to get my life back. That is what I will be working on for now. I know that God plays an important part in all decisions and I need to listen to Him. I have so many people pulling me in all kinds of directions. Fulfilling their beliefs in the part I am suppose to play in their lives. No one asks me what I want out of life. And the hard part is when I tell them what I want; they respond with "you don't want that." Or they say you must be crazy, why would you want to do that.

I have really become bitchy these last few months. That part I don't like but it is like I have to start fighting for me. I need to become aggressive but that makes me uncomfortable. K. has realized that there is something different about me. I have been steadily telling him that there has to be some changes because I am not going to put up with like it is, too much longer. It seems his technique for change is: for one thing he does, he will find two things to mess up. And he doesn't do any of the real necessary things. It amazes me how he knows exactly what little insignificant thing to do so I can't say he never does anything. It is like a science with him. I mean he struts like a peacock and if I mention when is the major project going to happen; he throws in my face "I can't do anything to satisfy you!" The porch is looking nice so he unloads the back of his truck right in front of the house. He manages to do something like that every time I change the way something looks around here. It is so disheartening.

I know that K. is the one that started me toward not being true to myself. I adjusted myself to try and be what he wanted. It was my choice, I know. Thankfully I didn't give in to every thing he wanted. But I realize now that he probably changed a lot of paths I was suppose to take. I take responsibility for my decisions. Now I have to find a way to get back to the paths of destiny.

Rain, rain, go away.........

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This whole month we have had rain every week. The yard is a boggy mess. There is more rain in the forecast for the rest of the week and next week. When the yard gets in this kind of mess, my dreams of city life resurface. I think of the plans I've had for 26 years for the cement driveway and carport. Wondering again why nothing in my life has turned out the way I had imagined. Even the stepping stones in the front aren't placed where I had wanted. They are there and they aren't used because no one walks in the direction they were placed. But if I say here someone else says there. Why God, why?

Rain water has been pouring through the hole in the ceiling. And naturally, more ceiling tile is getting ruined.

Another faucet is broken on the bathtub. Luck is on my side, it can be turned off and on with pliers. I don't know how long that will last.

To add to the growing list is an electrical problem. For two months now there is a breaker that keeps throwing. Of course I have said how dangerous it is. But I'm told as long as it throws there is no problem. Duh! But this morning when I went to turn it back on, the smell of electrical fumes was very strong when I walked into the room. I am at loss as to what I can do besides wait upon the Lord for change.

I turn my eyes to the Lord, my hands are raised in praise;
God, you are all I need to make it through these days;
My flesh has gotten weaker, my mind and body have failed;
I am waiting for wings of eagles, my renewed strength to be unveiled;
God will lift me up and straighten my stumbling walk;
Together we will stroll the garden path and I will listen as He talks.
Written by Me

Beautiful day

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I find it very strange that the inside of the house is so cold when it is nice and warm outside. I spent most of the day outside so I didn't waste time on the computer. I don't know if it is actually a waste of time since I get a huge amount of enjoyment from working on my blogspot.

It was warm and sunny outside. The natural heat from the sun felt good on my face. The sun rays were strong enough that I felt the heat through my clothes. Some of the trees are budding already. I know we will have another frost because granny always said "thunder in february means a frost in april." The new growth will be frost bit.

I hope to get the yard in order this year. I don't know if I will be able to do much with it by myself. But I will do my best and give it a good try. I wish I had remembered to purchase a lawnmower during the off season. But I had too much other stuff on my mine. I want to get one that I can use and it needs to have an electric start button. I can not start one with a pull rope anymore. There is such a terrific amount of things that need to be done around here.

It's happening again!

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I have spent the whole evening in front of this keyboard. I told myself I wasn't going to do it with my new blog. But I have been working on my page. And with me it takes twenty or more mistakes before I get something right. Normally I can't get it right; when I do it comes as a shock. Then relief washes over me as I tell myself, "All right! you haven't lost your whole brain! just pieces of it! whoohooo!!!"

I finally got the comments in place. Took me over three hours!! That track thingy seems to have come with it. I didn't ask for it and don't even know what it is. But it is stuck with some powerful net-glue; it won't go away.

I haven't master my animation code. I found some new ones today; but, alas, couldn't figure them out either. Woe is me. There are still a lot of ideas I have to personalize my page. I have realized that what I like the most about a blogspot is building the page. I like posting but I spend hours trying to create the page. That is where I get myself in trouble.

One more item off the list

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I have a list of things that I need done around the house and yard. I have had it about two and a half years. Usually I am adding stuff to the list and occasionally I get to put a line through an item on said list. Today I get to cross off my list. whoohooo!!!!

The porch is being painted. It has one coat on it that the wood soaked up like a sponge. It hasn't been painted in 26 years. Most of the original coat of paint was gone. The bright color has made such an improvement to the front of the house. The painter is going to paint it to look like a smooth floor. It is beautiful just like it is right now. Next I want to change the color of the front door. I can hardly control myself. I want to paint everything in sight. More color, more color, more.......

What is going on....

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My body seems to be falling apart piece by piece. Last year I started having problems with my hands stiffening up. I have learnt to adjust to that even though there are a lot of things I can't do now. The thing that really shook me up was not being able to walk. One afternoon I suddenly had trouble walking. No problem the day before and no problem that morning; I was walking and then my feet or ankles didn't want to bend and the pain was awful. I thought it might be my shoes so I bought another pair right then and there. It didn't help. I have been doing stretching exercises and there is minimal improvement. Last month I went to walmart early in the morning. I, myself, noticed that something was wrong with the way I was walking. I felt like my arms and legs were being guided like a puppet on a string. I tried to straighten my stride but nothing helped. I almost got back in the car and went home; but told myself to get used to it. I walked through the sliding doors and the door greeter looked at me with a concerned look. She came towards me and asked me if I was all right. I gave her a big smile and told her I was doing great and how was she doing this morning. But that let me know that it wasn't my imagination. I do walk like a puppet sometimes.

Now my right arm is giving me trouble. There is no freedom of movement and there is pain when I try to use it. If I grip anything, pain shoots up my arm and I have lost the strength in that arm, too. Sometimes my hands are so weak I have to use two hands to turn on my crest spinpro. I have to use my left arm a lot more. It is awkward but I am getting used to it.

My face has been hurting. I have noticed muscle pain in the calves of my legs. Year before last I stumbled or lost my balance a lot. I have begun to do that again. My legs get so weak at times I have trouble getting in and out of my little nissan. The other day I got in the car and I had to pick my left leg up by hand because it wouldn't lift on its own. I have trouble getting up from the couch. So many things are changing. I am trying to research the symptoms and found a couple things it could possibly be. It is very scary.

In front of the computer again.

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I find myself spending too much time with html. Things I have learnt last year are coming to mind easier with only a few searches through my two folders full of printed instructions. There are a few new things that I haven't figured out. The "new" things have to do with animation. I am totally fascinated with the concept of typing a code on a page and pictures come to life. I can't wait to find the key to make my page come alive.

I have decided to be a blogger again.

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I discovered that I have more time for other things since I deleted my first blog. But I find myself thinking about something and wanting to post it. I would come to the computer and sit down and suddenly remember I don't have a blog anymore. hahaha

I will have to try and not spend as much time on the computer as I did before.