I have been looking around for new stuff to change my page. I might even choose a whole new template. I am not good with html but I do like to play around with pictures and color. At times in the past I really screwed things up and had to holler for help. I don't have control of my surroundings in the real world; but I can brighten up my blog spot.

I am thinking about getting some kind of training in 2005. If the doctors can get my brain back to where I can finally start remembering things I want to go back to school. But if my memory stays the way it is, I don't think I will be able to even get a job.

When I was working at the restaurant last year, I couldn't remember any instructions I was given. They had four freezers and six refrigerators and when the cook called for certain foods, I was having to look in every one to find it. I was constantly having to interrupt other people trying to do their work. Everyone was nice about it, and we had some good laughs. But I could tell it was a different kind of memory problem. It wasn't just a matter of "you'll soon get it". I couldn't remember even one thing from one day to the next. It was truly embarrassing when my employer asked me if I had a memory problem and was I going to be able to learn anything. She was real nice and let me try several different jobs but I was more of a hindrance than a help.

What I really would like to do is go to school during the day and find a part time job in the evenings. I know that is not realistic with my health problems. I will make a list of pros and cons and see what I can come up with.

I took my dad to the v.a. clinic this morning. I have been the one going with him and then driving him, for years. My sister has been taking him since my surgery. This time it was different because I went in the room with him to see his doctor. If dad would have said no; I wouldn't have done it. I think he realized that if he didn't let me, my sister would be taking him to the doctor and controlling every thing and he wants me taking him and not her. Dad didn't like it too much and I don't know if he will continue to let us do it. He stopped letting mom go in with him years ago because she was giving the doctors more information than dad wanted them to have.

My younger sister told him he messed up because he wasn't telling us everything the doctor said. Dad didn't tell us he was having heart trouble. My sister found out when she took him to the clinic for his check up last month. The doctor wanted dad to go to the hospital because he was having chest pains and dad was refusing to go. He just wanted to go home. He hadn't even said anything to mom about his heart. I say it is dad's right to not tell us everything. I believe we all have a right to privacy. I don't tell my parents or my sons every time I go to the doctor or everything the doctor tells me "if" I do let them know I am going to the doctor. It is my right.

When I told dad that my sister wanted me to go in with him and to take notes; he just shook his head. He said he just might sign the paper that says no one can talk to his doctor and I told him if he wants to do it, go ahead. He has alzhiemer's but right now he still knows when his rights are being violated. We love him and want to take care of him but it is something he has to want, also. My sister is trying to take over his health care and dad isn't ready for that.

Mom just says do whatever you want to do. But mom is a "tell all" type of person. She has no secrets and if you don't want anyone to know something; don't tell her. That is the only thing her and dad argue about. That was another reason he stopped letting her go to the doctor with him; she told everyone else what the doctor said. Dad is a very private person and he doesn't want every one knowing his business.

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Blessed be God, even the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of mercies, and the God of all comfort; Who comforteth us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort wherewith we ourselves are comforted of God, For as the sufferings of Christ abound in us, so our consolation also aboundeth by Christ. And whether we be afflicted, it is for your consolation and salvation, which is effectual in the enduring of the same sufferings which we also suffer; or whether we be comforted, it is for your consolation and salvation.
II Corinthians 1:3-6

Merry Christmas! Now I'm on the countdown to the new year and being a year older. Yesterday, while birdwatching(from inside, haha) I happen to see what looked like bits of paper falling into the yard. I thought someone was out burning trash or leaves, and bits of ash must be floating over in our direction. How could someone be out in such cold weather doing yard work? Then more bits of white were falling, and I screamed with delight as I realized it was a snow flurry!

I grabbed my sweater and ran outside. I was standing in a snowfall. A beauty so rare in my life time. It was melting as soon as it touched the ground but a little accumulated on the car. The short glimpse was wonderful while it was here. Thank you God for small blessings and for loving me.

My family celebrated christmas yesterday. Of course, I have lots of leftovers so I will only be reheating not cooking thru the rest of christmas.

I had a strange occurrence that has left me feeling out of sorts and a little scared. When I was asked what I would like for a gift this year; I told everyone I still would like to have a blender, a food processor, and a stand mixer. I had a blender and a food processor years ago but when they broke I just never replaced them but I have always thought about it. I have never owned a stand mixer and that I was thinking seriously about. I go down the kitchen appliance aisle every time I go to the store.

Anyway, I went to my cabinet, where I keep things I seldom use, to get my big turkey platter. I open the door and there was a food processor. It wasn't in a box but the instruction book and spare cutting blades were in a plastic zip bag right by it. I began thinking that my son had snuck in the house and put it in the cabinet for a surprise. But then I thought, no neither one would do that so how did it get here. I began to realize that I must have bought it myself; but I couldn't remember doing it. I wonder what else I might have forgotten. I asked K about it and he told me that he was with me when I bought it. I have a very vague recollection but no real memory of it. It is an awful feeling.

The weather has been real cold. Not cold by northern standards but cold for us. I have slacked off on my walking and need to get back to a routine. I am considering a treadmill again with the idea of trying for ten miles a day even if it is inside. I have talked to several people who own one and they really like theirs and do more walking since they have it in their living room. It is a thought anyway.

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And in that day thou shalt say O Lord, I will praise thee: though thou was angry with me, thine anger is turned away, and thou comfortedst me. Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord JEHOVAH is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation. And in that day shall ye say, Praise the Lord, call upon his name, declare his doings among the people, make mention that his name is exalted. Sing unto the Lord; for he hath done excellent things; this is known in all the earth. Cry out and shout, thou inhabitant of Zion; for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of thee. Isaiah 12

Much has been happening; I have been busy, busy. We had a december wedding for my youngest son. My new daughter in law chose an evening outdoor ceremony and it was very chilly to say the least. I was shaking so bad from a combination of the cold temperature and my nerves; but it was a very lovely wedding.

My oldest son and his wife are staying with us for a few days and then they will stay the rest of their visit with her family. It is comforting to have him in my nest again. I have really enjoyed having them here and will be very lonesome when they go back to Kentucky.

I did not bring out my decorations this christmas as I thought I would. I put up my little fiber optic christmas tree. Something in me is still missing. I don't know what it is or how to change it. When I think about doing things; I can't seem to find the energy or interest to do them. I think that is the right word-interest. I don't seem to be interested in any thing, any more. I have enjoyed cooking since I have someone else to feed these past few days. I have almost lost all desire to do that even.

I went to the doctor this morning and all my test results did not come in. But my thyroid level was normal and my female hormones were normal. Oh yeah, I had maintained my weight from the last visit. I have not gained or lost with a calorie average of 600 a day.

I told the intern that I was still having muscle twitching, and tingling in my hands, feet, and face. I still have muscle weakness and I tire easily. This visit the head doctor came in and talked to me. I was told that normally a person recovers quickly after surgery. I am a rare case. Leave it to me to be a rare case. She said she wanted to do more blood work. They have not retested my parathyroid level since the surgery. My phosphorus level is below normal. She thinks I have a vitamin D deficiency. The doctor wants me to take a calcium supplement with vitamin D.

Mom and dad do not want me to go to work. My mother in law doesn't either. They are upset that I have the car and that I want to go work. They feel that I am only suppose to want to take care of them; be available when they need me. Now I am stuck with trying to decide what is right. I want to do something for me. I have been taking care of people and considering their feelings my whole life and I want to do other things. I don't know what "other things"; I have never had the chance to figure out what I would like to do. I don't want to be selfish; I just want more out of life. I want to be able to do the things I want without someone getting on to me about it. I am so confused about everything going on right now.

Goodness I don't know where to begin. So much has been happening. Dad is refusing to wear his nitroglycerine patch. He says nothing is wrong with him. Mom is refusing to say anything to him. I am finding it hard to not say anything to either one. And I haven't said anything; it is causing me a lot of stress. I know I have no control over other peoples lives. I know I only have a small say when they ask for advice and they will still do what they want, it is human nature.

I thought it was hard to be responsible for children. I have discovered it is harder when you have to become responsible for your parents. My opinion has been different than all three of my sisters. So I have come to the conclusion that I will have a little less stress if I sit back and listen to them. It is very hard.

The other thing that happened is I finally have a payment book for a 2002 Ford Taurus. Yea for me!!!!! It is strange how it came about. I went with my son to pick up his new truck. He had mentioned to the salesman that I didn't have a vehicle. The man asked me if I was interested in buying a car. Of course I was but I couldn't afford one. I told him if he could sale me a car for $200 a month I'd take it. That is what I make each month selling my bread and I knew I could pay that much. And I figured that would be the end of that. But he did it! I couldn't believe. I drove it home! It feels wonderful to be independent again!

Yesterday, I went to the store by myself. I didn't think I would have any trouble. I knew I tired easily and when K and I go, I sit on the bench while he stands in the check out line. I was exhausted and in pain by the time I made it home and packed the bags inside. I just put up the frozen and refrigerated stuff and collapsed on the couch.

Monday, when I went to the lab to give more blood, I had to stand in line for an hour and a half. It was awful, my back was hurting, both my feet were tingling and my muscles were trembling. I only thought I felt bad before the surgery. I do so hope the doctor will give me encouraging news when I go this time.

My dad is having heart trouble. We don't know exactly what the problem is yet. He has to go for all the tests. His primary care taker made the statement that he doesn't want my dad to drive any more. The doctor even told dad not to cut the grass any more. Now comes the hard part and the tough love. Who is going to enforce all this? Who is going to take daddy's truck and mower away from him?

My dad has Parkinson's disease and Alzheimer's disease. He has high blood pressure, too. Like a lot of people, he doesn't do everything the doctors tell him to do to take better care of himself. Fifteen years ago they told him to go on a salt free diet. He refused and didn't even cut back. Last year they told him it was of grave importance that he take the salt out of his diet. He refused again. Mom has done everything she can to cut back on the salt. But dad still buys salt and sprinkles it on his food. And he won't give up his soft drinks. You don't want to go to war with someone every day of your life, no matter how much you love them.

But how can we get him to listen? Mom says if we take away the only things he has left in life, he will grieve himself to an early grave. But if we don't take them away it will put him in the grave. I say if we let him keep driving he might end up responsible for someone else's death too.

I am a middle child and I have never had much say in the goings on of our family. My mom wants to leave things as they are. I have only talked with my oldest sister and she doesn't seem to think any action should be taken either. I knew years ago that my daddy was having trouble driving. I was the only child that was willing to ride with him when he drove. My mom was always wanting the opportunity to be at home alone. Dad didn't have a lot of hobbies to occupy hisself when he retired and was always at home. She would ask me to go places with dad when I was off of work so she could have some free time. We all agreed that he shouldn't be off by hisself but no one else would ride with him. Lots of the time mom won't go with him and I told her he gets confused and shouldn't be on his own. She is as stubborn as him or she just hasn't accepted his condition. Last year I started driving for him when he had to go downtown where there is a lot of traffic. He still drives when he just goes a few miles from the house.

I am so messed up with my own life that I don't feel able to give advise to anyone else.