I can't believe my dial up internet service has already been giving me trouble. I really miss my cable connection. Hopefully in the future I will be able to have it once again.

Life is really becoming a challenge right now. My mind keeps telling me that God is trying to teach me something. For the life of me I can't figure out what. K is not working anymore. We are down financially to my $500 dollars a month and what our parents can give us without putting theirselves in a bind. I am job hunting so I can earn more.

To add to my confusion, my mother told me that her doctor has diagnosed her with renal insuffiency. Why God wants me to have more heartache is beyond me.

Also, I have been caught in limbo within the charity hospital system. I was released from the endocrine clinic in April and referred to a primary care physician. At that time I had one refill left on all my prescriptions which I get in three month supplies. So the doctor didn't write me refill prescriptions. I called last month to refill my blood pressure medication and was told that my prescriptions had expired and I had to get a new prescription from my doctor. I checked on my depression medicine and was told that prescription had expired also. I called the endocrine clinic for new prescriptions because I had been seeing these doctors and they had been prescribing my medicine. I was told that I had to get my primary care doctor to renew my prescriptions. I explained that I hadn't seen that doctor yet; my appointment wasn't until August. They said that I had been released from the clinic and I had to go to the family clinic. I call the family clinic and they can't help me because I haven't seen the doctor and they have no charts on me. I count the blessing that I have a place to go for medical care but we have had nothing but complications with the legal red tape of our charity health care system. I have started my second week without any medication. The family friend that helped me get my surgery without a long waiting period is contacting his friends to try and get me some sample packs of my blood pressure medicine to take until I see my primary care doctor. Thank you God for all your blessings.

I have been enjoying watching a red headed woodpecker trying to eat from the bird feeder. I had never really thought about the different body shape of the woodpeckers in comparison to other birds until I saw it trying to get to the bird seed. Well, I didn't think they were seed eaters either. Just like they cling to the side of a tree, the bird was hanging upside down, horizonally, from the bottom of the bird feeder and stretching his head up to stick his beak into the feeder. When he latched onto something he liked he would let go and fly to the top of our electric pole and eat it. Really an amazing sight to see as it adapts its body shape to reach the feast I set out for my feathered friends. I need to adapt so I can get past the stumbling blocks that are set in my path.

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The Lord also will be a refuge for the oppressed, a refuge in times of trouble. And they that know thy name will put their trust in thee: for thou, Lord, hast not forsaken them that seek thee. Psalm 9:9-10

Saturdays are wonderful, because so far I don't have to go to work on the weekends. That is a blessing for me. And I can stay in bed longer. I was awakened at six by K leaving the house. I was able to fall back to sleep; the next time I opened my eyes the clock showed 8:46. I was thrilled and appalled at the same time. Once upon a time I was an early riser. For twenty some odd years I was out of bed at five every morning. I feel like I am doing something wrong when I am still in bed at seven; I feel real shameful when I am still in bed past seven in the morning.

Today the lady handling our disability claim called and said K has been approved for partial disability. They still have not reached a decision on the amount they will allow K. She gave us a list of paper work we will have to turn in to the social security office to help them determine an amount. It is good news and bad news. Good that he was approved; bad because now K feels that he is not able to work the few hours that he has been doing. I told him he needs to call the lady and see what he has to do to be approved for total disability. Maybe with his partial disability and my paycheck he won't have to work while we are waiting for total disability. When K's medicaid application is approved his medicine will be covered. The silver lining is starting to appear on those ol' dark clouds that have been hovering over me. Thank you God!

Week before last one of my children at daycare decided he had to test his skill at biting. Everytime one of the other children wanted a toy in his possession he sunk his teeth into their flesh. For some reason, the only toy four of my children want, is a toy someone else is enjoying. These four children spend four hours going from child to child taking toys away. They don't play with the toys after they snatch them. They immediately look for another child with a toy. Now that I have a biter in my group, I am doubly worn out from being on guard duty for four hours.

Three sets of parents of the toddlers have older children and are understanding when they see bruised flesh with teeth imprints on their child when they come to get him or her. The other three sets of parents are new parents and they are outraged that "I" can't prevent this from happening. But they also don't understand how their little darling can possibly get any kind of injury while at daycare. I have one mother that checks her daughter from head to toe before she leaves my room with her little darling and every new mark on her darling's skin has to be explained. Lots of the time I have to tell her I have no idea how it happened because I didn't see it happen. Yesterday, "lil' Cujo" didn't feel the need to terrorize anyone. To be prepared, I stayed one step behind him the whole time and if I had to take my eyes off him, I put him in a high chair. I have been telling him and the other five, because I sure don't want them to pick up the habit, that the mouth is for eating, not hurting. I hope they absorb this information quickly.

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.........and their soul shall be as a watered garden; and they shall not sorrow any more at all.
Jeremiah 31:12

Tuesday from 9 a.m. to 8:30 p.m. we were at the charity hospital emergency room. K had been having pain in his side for three weeks and said he had to have some relief. He had an xray and some blood work done. The doctor told him it was from the cancer in his bones and gave us a prescription for duragesic transdermal patches. So far the patch has lessened the pain. I told K that it will probably not go completely away like he is wanting. I haven't went to the drugstore yet to see what this prescription is going to be costing us. I will have to go tomorrow.

K has been very upset since tuesday. He told me he wasn't ready to die. I feel he had been trying to convince hisself that he had a lot more time left; even after the doctors told him last september he might have a year. After speaking with the doctor at the emergency room, I guess he has accepted the fact.

It has been a rough week. I will be glad when it is over. I pray for wisdom and strength for the heart-wrenching days that are ahead.

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Blessed is the man that trusteth in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is. For he shall be as a tree planted by the waters, and that spreadeth out her roots by the river, and shall not see when heat cometh, but her leaf shall be green; and shall not be careful in the year of drought, neither shall cease from yielding fruit. The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked: who can know it? I the Lord search the heart, I try the reins, even to give every man according to his ways, and according to the fruit of his doings. Jeremiah 17:7-10

I have been enjoying my saturday. Cooking has begun to peak my interest once again. Today I made a spinach dip. I thought I would eat some of it but I believe I wanted to prepare it more than eat it. But it will keep for a few days and I can nibble on some crackers with the dip now and then.

I brought out the afghan I started at the beginning of the year and crocheted some more rows on it. I have felt the need to be creative and that is a good thing. One of the ladies I work with brought a crocheted tote to work that she had made. She had worked spangles in each row and I was ready to rush to walmart and buy some yarn and spangles. But I decided I had to at least finish the afghan before I started another project. I have a room full of unfinished projects of all kinds. I like Quiltybird's way of calling them UFO's.

A few years ago, possibly four years ago, I was into sewing purses. I bought up a lot of fabric and trims to make purses as gifts for my sisters. In the middle of making them I lost interest. That was about the time, I started feeling like a stranger was taking over my body. I don't even enter the room where my stuff is stored. I removed my sewing machine and put it into another bedroom so I could use it to do repair work on our clothes.

Last weekend I cut off some of my denims to make me some capri's. I get too hot in long pants; I need as much skin exposed to air as I can modestly get away with. My skin stays very hot all the time, I have taken to wearing shorts to preserve my sanity. I do not wear shorts in public, just at home.

I finally called the telephone company and ordered their dial up internet. I tried for a whole week and could not get online with the free one. I definitely missed being able to go online whenever I felt the urge. I always put books on hold at my library via the internet and I was beginning to feel disoriented. Reading is number one in the things I do and I love researching authors and books and then checking to see if my library has them. The internet is very addictive, I was going through withdrawals.

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Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Psalm 139:23-24

We had to make some more changes to our budget. We still haven't heard about K's disability claim. When and if he starts drawing we will be all right if he gets the amount we are assuming he will get paid.

Any way our cable provider sent a letter stating they were increasing our bill by twentysix dollars. So, I called and dropped the internet and changed our cable package. I would drop it too but K gets so much pleasure from the outdoor network channel that I will try to keep that for him a little bit longer. Right now I am using a network that is free for a limited amount of hours. It is hard to sign on to I guess because others are using it too and there are only a few phone numbers to sign on with. But I will count it as a blessing that it is here for me.

I did lose all my photos that I had stored and a bunch of other stuff. I will have to get help restoring all the things I lost. I use the computer but I am not that knowledgeable on computing files and other computer stuff.

Happy Fourth to all!!!!!! I wish I still had my animation, one of my favorite html thingies. You would see some firework animation right here!