I seem to be having almost normal thoughts lately. I don't know if normal is the right word. But after vegetating for so many years I feel the desire to be doing something. Not necessarily housework, haha, but doing something physical.

My mine is asking my body to do things that I haven't wanted to do for years. I actually braved the caterpillars to wash the car today. I haven't washed any car for probably five years, maybe longer. K took the car to a car wash last summer. That's how long it has been since it was washed. I told myself we can't pay for that anymore and I had to start doing it and I really wanted to do it; that in itself is strange.

We are making plans to have a fund raising benefit. The people that told us they would help pay bills for the next five months have not come through. We really don't know how much we will make but we must do something. We still have to pay for some of K's medicine and we have bills to pay also. We can get a couple of months behind but not five months and we don't know if he will be approved for disability. I called an organization that will pay our electric bill for one month and the lady specifically said, only one month. I have called and had my car payment extended for one month. The church that has the daycare where I work gave us three card board boxes full of food. The church sponsors a food bank and they told me that I won't have to worry about being able to buy groceries. That is a big help.

Worrying about money is stressing K out. I try to stay cheerful for him, when all I want to really do is sit and cry. One day at work last week, a co-worker ask me how things were going and I embarrassed myself by boohooing. I have good days and bad days. I know every one does. I know we aren't the only ones in this situation. I know that God has a plan for us.

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Then they cry unto the Lord in their trouble, and he saveth them out of their distresses. He sent his word, and healed them, and delivered them from their destructions. Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men! Psalm 107:19-21

According to the calendar it is the first day of spring. The leaves and grass are glowing in their bright new shade of green. I love the color of nature before it deepens.

K has another doctor's appointment thursday morning. He told me he feels like he is getting worse. I asked him how can he tell. He said for one thing he is weaker and second his pain is worse. He describes it as feeling like he is sitting in hot boiling water. He said the pain medicine eases it just a little now; but it is always there. He gets short of breath more often, too.

Last week we filed for disability. K tried to explain to the interviewer that he has to work even though it is very difficult for him because we have no other compensation coming in to pay our bills. She said, "I understand sir" but I worry that we will still be turned down. He has cut his hours to just 18 a week now. The interviewer said that he might qualify for partial disability working just that many hours. It is another program that social security has available. Several people have offered to sponsor a fund raiser if we are turned down and have to file an appeal. I have been getting as many hours as I can at work but it doesn't come close to the amount K was earning. Even if I was working 40 hours a week, I would only make a little over half of what K was earning. It is a very unsettling situation.

To stay busy and keep my mind occupied, I worked out in the yard this weekend and oh my goodness the snakes are back. EEEKKKKK!!!! And the creepy crawleys! They are every where. I am so afraid of one crawling on me and I don't know it. I don't like the idea of something on me unbeknownst to me. It spooks me out for some reason. I have battled with this fear all my life. I have run to mom screaming my lungs out many a time when I was little, thinking that something was on my back and I couldn't reach to knock it off. At school the boys knew of my fear and would sneak and put caterpillars and lizards on me.

Growing up was awful! Well, it is still awful, because I still have that fear. My sons used to rescue me all the time. hahaha They would hear me scream and come running to save me from the creepy crawleys. Since my boys have grown and moved, I just stay inside more until the caterpillars are gone for another year.

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Thus saith the Lord, Let not the wise man glory in his wisdom, neither let the mighty man glory in his might, let not the rich man glory in his riches; But let him that glorieth glory in this, that he understandeth and knoweth me, that I am the Lord which exercise lovingkindness, judgment, and righteousness, in the earth: for in these things I delight, saith the Lord. Jeremiah 9:23-24

Phew, another week is gone. We finally had enough rain to wash away some of the pollen. My purple wisteria vine is blooming. The red bud tree at the front of the house is blooming. All my azaleas are covered with flowers. Every thing is so green and colorful.

We haven't figured out what we are going to do. We are just living day by day. The only thing we know for sure is if they turn us down for disability we will appeal it.

I don't know how much longer I will have an internet connection. We are cutting back on all extras. I have signed up for a free dial up plan. But every time I have tried to use it, I can't get online. I guess that is why it is free.

Thank goodness, Saturday finally got here. I didn't think I was going to last through to Friday. My mind has been in turmoil and I have a bad cold again. I have been physically and emotionally drained, worrying about future and at the same time trying not to.

My job has been getting harder and stessful. I have been taking care of set of twins, a boy and a girl, at the daycare where I work. They were nine months old when I started at the daycare. The older they get, the more unruly they get. You just wouldn't think that two one year old children would be hard to control(or whatever you want to call it), but they are and I think that is why they are at the day care every day even though their mom is at home. I told my boss that something has to be done because I was having serious thoughts of quitting my job. Oh, I have had thoughts of quitting before, after a day of listening to all six of my kids crying at the same time, but this past week was really really unbearable.

I have approached the day care director and asked for help because these two are actually bringing me close to tears. The boy is destructive with the furniture and toys. We have had to repair his crib several times. One of the bigger climbing toys he keeps in pieces since he discovered it can be taken apart. Even if another child is climbing on the toy, he will pull it apart. The other bigger toys he pushes along the floor and right into and over the other children. Yesterday he sank his little teeth into my knees twice and my arm once. That is the first time he has used his teeth on me and so far he has not bitten another child but I am afraid that will start next week. His twin sister is a danger to the other children. At one year of age she actually wraps her arm around the other children's necks and strangles them. And she likes to push them down and climb on their back and hold them on the floor with her knees. There must be a wrestling fan in her family. It is hard to believe that her brother doesn't wrestle the other children like she does. My director tells me to put them in time out. I do and as soon as I tell them they can go play, they do the same things all over again. The four hours I am there, I have them in time out over three hours. It saddens me that I can not get the twins to understand that their behavior is not acceptable. The director says the next step is to expel them from our day care and they are trying not to do that.

Also this week we went to the social security office and learnt some very distressing facts. They told us that as long as K is working and can work, he can not get disability. He will have to quit work to get it. Then, after he is approved for disability, it will be five months before he receives his first check. I asked the lady what are we suppose to live on and pay bills with while we are waiting? She just shrugged her shoulders and said that is the law. Even if I go to work full time, I won't be able to pay all the bills earning minimum wage. I wanted to be able to go to school and work part time. I am at my wits end again.