I think I might have come upon a reason for my emotional decline. The psychologist always asks if I am taking my medicine every day. Well, I had skipped a couple of days each week so the pills would last longer. We were short of money because K missed four days of work and was going to have to miss another one. I have been skipping days with all of my prescriptions.

Last month,my parents gave me the money to get my first month of diabetic supplies. It is like all of a sudden I am needing so much extra stuff bought for me. Now I have to have over a $100 of test strips and lancets every month. And I want God to explain why this had to happen. I need Him to help me understand. I was on three prescriptions already. Then I am prescribed Lexapro, then the doctors tell me I am diabetic and to start testing my glucose blood level every day and to change my eating habits; which means more money on groceries and the doctors want to give me another prescription for estrogen therapy. Where do they think all the money for this is going to come?

My mom and dad gave me another $100 this month to help with my prescriptions because they knew K doesn't have sick pay where he works. But they can't keep doing this. I have filled out job applications; even though I know this is going to mess up our health care at the charity hospital. I don't know what else to do. Even if I let someone take over the notes for the car, we can't afford all the medicine. And I need the car to get a job.

K's truck wouldn't start yesterday morning. And it is a good thing we still had the car, because he would have had to miss work until we get the truck fixed. Now we have to come up with the money to repair the truck. It is a vicious circle we are walking and I see no way to get off this continuous path.

It is what worries me and keeps me down. Money. We never have enough. No, I have to change that. God makes sure we have what we "need", always. But there is no money left over. It is always just enough. And I am only human and I would like more. Forgive me, Lord for moaning and complaining.

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For we know that the law is spiritual; but I am carnal, sold under sin. For that which I do I allow not; for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I. If then I do that which I would not, I consent unto the law that it is good. Now then it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. For I know that in me(that is, in my flesh,) dwelleth no go thing; for to will is present with me; but how to perform that which is good I find not. For the good that I would, I do not; but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me. Romans 7:14-20

I find myself mired down in the pit of despair; even while taking Lexapro. I get stuck and it takes a couple of days of self-talk to climb out of it. A wave of unhappiness or sadness or whatever the feeling is, washes over me and I sink. I count my blessings and find pleasant activities to do. I do all the other things the psychologist taught me(which I knew to do already)and it doesn't help. It seems that the Lexapro keeps me from staying in the pit as long as I did before I started taking it; but doesn't keep me from these feelings as I hoped it would.

I have so many reasons to be thankful. And God knows I am. I hate myself when I have days like this. I don't want to get out of bed in the mornings and when I do; I get as far as the couch and there I want to stay. I don't even worry about changing out of my night clothes.

I don't know if it is my thoughts that bring me to this point. I wonder at times if it is something physical. I know this days K is always in my thoughts. I try not to think of the uncertainty of the future. But I am a worrier and the thought always pushes itself forward from where I keep it hidden at the back of my mind. I am a person that wants to plan ahead. I have never been able to live day to day. I am the worrier of the family and K lives each day as it comes.

K has decided to work extra hours each week while he can, to start saving money for when he won't be able to work. I applied for a job at a daycare that I thought was perfect for me. It was only for 3-6 p.m. each week day and I would still have mornings free for doctor appointments. It wasn't big bucks but it would have been perfect for our schedule and our budget. And I am disappointed that I haven't received a call back. But I know if God wants me to have a job, He will provide it.

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Have not I commanded thee? Be strong and of a good courage; be not afraid, neither be thou dismayed: for the Lord thy God is with thee whithersoever thou goest. Joshua 1:9

There was a thunderstorm this afternoon and the electricity was off for about an hour. After it came back on; I went around resetting all the digital clocks that go flashing when we lose power. I have one in every room and I don't have battery back up with all of them. I don't always have spare batteries for the ones that are battery back up. In the kitchen I have to reset the answer machine, coffee maker, micro-wave and stove. Quite a chore, indeed. I was resetting the one I have by my computer and I decided to go online and do some blogging before I started supper.

I couldn't get online. Drat!!! I knew I was going to have to call my internet provider and see what was going on and I so hate doing that. It is all this "press 1 and press 2" and waiting for the next available person and your call may last 30 minutes. Today, I had a surprise. I was helped my another computer. I didn't know it at first. She has a real nice polite voice. She was giving me instructions and telling me to answer with "continue" or "there is a problem". And me, of course, I was trying to talk to her. I noticed she kept telling me she didn't understand my answer and she would repeat the instruction and tell me to answer with "yes" or "no". Then it came to me; she wasn't going to say anything but what she was programmed to understand! It was awesome! I was able to fix my connection and then she asked me if I was satisfied using their new automated repair service and to answer with "yes" or "no" and would I use the automated repair service again. I didn't mind it because I didn't have stay on the phone that long waiting for the next available technician. But I do so like conversing with honest to God human beings.

I thought I had this grass cutting chore mastered. Now I have a new problem. My hands. They hurt when I am gripping the lawn mower handle. As soon as I let go, my hands stop hurting. And my hands never hurt otherwise, only when I cut grass. It is a pain I can deal with. I just find the hand thing very strange.

Last night I slept for almost twelve hours. I went to bed before 10 and fell asleep before my head touched the pillow. I was shocked when I woke up and looked at the clock this morning and it was 9:45. It threw my whole day off. I was late testing my blood and starting my carb counting. I should have already used 45 carbs. This diabetic stuff is hard to grasp. I would like to know if you do miss a meal, are you suppose to add those carbohydrates to your next meal or skip them that day? Plus I haven't been told what my blood glucose level is suppose to be. It fluctuates every day, it is never the same for two days straight. None of this was explained to me; I learnt most of what I know by searching the diabetic web sites.

I have lost four inches in my waist. That was where most of my weight gain had been. I have been fighting temptation to buy new clothes. I am not into my old summer clothes but I know eventually I will be. So I know I need to wait and same money for more important things that will be coming.

It is hard to believe that by balancing my blood sugar level I can lose and maintain my weight. For two years I had been on zero carbs and gaining weight. Then I find out that I am diabetic and my body needs carbohydrates. And that is what caused my sudden weight gain.

K has been getting nauseated when he gets hot. The air conditioner where he works doesn't really keep the place comfortable. He has to call someone in to relieve him until he feels better. I know that nausea is one of the side effects of the Zoladex the urologist prescribed. But I really don't know for sure if that is the reason he is getting an upset stomach. Seems like he would have been nauseous the first day he started the treatment. His skin tone is changing also. Several people have noticed and made comments.

I have been keeping a tight rein on my emotions but it is getting harder to do when K is going through a lot of physical changes.

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Hungry and thirsty, their soul fainted in them. Then they cried unto the Lord in their trouble, and he delivered them out of their distresses. And he led them forth by the right way, that they might go to a city of habitation. Oh that men would praise the Lord for his goodness, and for his wonderful works to the children of men!
Psalm 107:5-8

The hot weather is finally here. The heat index has been in the hundreds for almost two weeks. As soon as you walk out the door the humidity takes your breath away. Tropical storm Arlene made a turn and missed us; we were lucky this time.

I did something today that I haven't been able to do for years. I actually cut our grass with a push mower. Yea for me!!!! I had to quit cutting the grass several years ago. I kept trying but my heart would pound hard and fast, I would get short of breath and my legs would get wobbly as jello. Yesterday, we were given a mower, thank you Jesus, and I have been getting some really great exercise while making the yard look good.

My heart and soul has been feeling heavy for K. He is still not talking about the cancer but he is always reaching out and grabbing my hand and telling me he loves me. His eyes are filled with sadness that I try real hard to replace with the laughter that attracted me to him thirtyone years ago. I can get a smile on his face but it doesn't always reach his eyes.

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Bless the Lord, O my soul; and all that is within me, bless his holy name. Bless the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits; Who forgiveth all thine iniquities; who healeth all thy diseases; Who redeemeth thy life from destruction; who crowneth thee with lovingkindness and tender mercies; Who satisfieth thy mouth with good things; so thy youth is renewed like the eagle's. The Lord executeth righteousness and judgment for all that are oppressed.
Psalms 103:1-6

Yesterday morning the oncologist had to stop K's colonoscopy. K's blood pressure kept going up, plus he couldn't stop vomiting. And the oncologist encountered a blockage in the intestine that the scope couldn't pass. K is rescheduled for an air contrast barium enema. Hopefully, his body will be able to tolerate this one. The oncologist did remove some polyps that were found before they stopped the procedure. What is heart breaking is his next appointment is in august.

On a limited income we have no options. We are depending on the charity hospital for our health care and there are so many people in Louisiana without insurance that there are no available appointments for months. Some people have to wait a year for an appointment. I have to keep telling myself to count our blessings.

I am at loss. Words fail me. I have so many thoughts whirling through my mind. I am as a child with tears flowing wanting loving hands to make the hurt go away. But I also want to be able to take the hurt away from my husband.

K was diagnosed with prostate cancer yesterday. He finally accepted that he has cancer. He had been in denial; hoping it was a mistake. He still has to have more tests. And to do the colonoscopy Tuesday. The urologist has started K on hormonal therapy to stop the cancer growth or to make it grow more slowly. Rather that is the way I understand what was explained. K is still not talking about it; this is the way he handles things.

I don't know what to do with myself and my thoughts. I don't want to think at all. I try to keep busy and then someone calls and starts the conversation by asking how K and I are doing. This brings the pain back and then I have to try to shut the thoughts off again.

K has already missed two days of work this month. And he will miss two more to have the colonoscopy. I know that he will be missing a whole lot more and I have to figure out how to handle the budget. I need to cut way back and I am thinking about trying to sell the car or get someone to take over the note. This will save us $300 dollars a month. Which is a big savings. I have considered going to work but then we will lose the free medical care at the charity hospital and that we need big time. And I want to be with K as much as I can. My life has become a viscous circle of problem solving again. Nothing seems to be quite the right answer.

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Ho, every one that thirsteth come ye to the waters, and he that hath no money; come ye, buy, and eat; yea, come, buy wine and milk without money and without price. Wherefore do ye spend money for that which is not bread? and your labour for that which satisfieth not? hearken diligently unto me and eat ye that which is good, and let your soul delight itself in fatness. Incline your ear, and come unto me: hear, and your soul shall live; and I will make an everlasting covenant with you, even the sure mercies of David.
Isaiah 54:1-3