K has lost around thirty pounds. Since he won't talk about his diagnosis, I don't know if the reason is emotional or physical. His eating habits changed in March when he first started experiencing pain in his side. He says he fills full with a smaller amount of food now. With us still not getting much information from the doctors, it upsets me.

I am at odds because I don't know if I should show extra concern or be as abnoxious as my normal self; if you understand what I mean. Since K is showing a front of everything is the same, is this what I should do too? I want to scoop him up and shower him with loads of tender loving care; but......that is not what I normally do and he would know the difference. Yes, I do take care of him but I want to do much much more but I don't want to be that obvious.

Went outside to walk and there was one of the snakes staring up at me. I had reached the point where I was comfortable not watching where I was stepping and almost put my foot on it. Ugh!!! I tried to keep walking but I was so scared I turned around and made a wide detour around the snake and went back inside. I was afraid I would encounter the other two snakes like I used to do. It is a little much when I have all three of them around me.

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Out of the depths have I cried unto thee, O Lord. Lord, hear my voice: let thine ears be attentive to the voice of my supplications. If thou, Lord, shouldest mark iniquities, O Lord, who shall stand? But there is forgiveness with thee, that thou mayest be feared. I wait for the Lord, my soul doth wait, and in his work do I hope. Psalms 130:1-5

I have been hoping my memory was going to start improving. I had assumed I guess that one of my pills was going to do the trick and jump start my brain or what ever is connected to the part that controls my memory. But no I am still having problems.

Yesterday, I went to the diabetic clinic for my class on lowering my blood sugar. I left the house at 8:30 a.m. to get there for a ten o'clock class with the dietitian. When I signed in the nurse couldn't find my appointment. She pulled my name up on the computer and informed me I was scheduled for the one o'clock class. I told her the person I had talked to on the phone had told me to come in for the first class at ten. She politely explained to me that the class was for controlling your sodium and I am suppose to learn how to count carbohydrates. Well, I checked my calendar when I got back home and yes I had wrote down one o'clock. Why I was thinking ten a.m. I don't know.

When I put something on to cook, I have to set the timer to help me remember I have something on the stove. Today, I decided to boil some eggs. I filled the pan with water, set it on the hot burner and put in the eggs. For some reason I got side tracked and forgot I had put the eggs on to cook before I even left the kitchen and I didn't set the timer. The only thing that prevented a castastrophy was I went back to the kitchen to get a glass of water and was surprised to find a pan of eggs boiling away on the stove. The pan was almost empty of water. This is one time I had to thank God for my dry mouth. This memory problem is very scary and upsetting to me.

Now added to my list of things to remember is eating. Not just putting food in my mouth; but putting a certain kind, a certain amount, at a certain time. It is too much for my addled brain. I am used to going hours, sometimes a whole day without eating. And when I did eat, it was usually a piece of meat with a salad. Sometimes I eat a piece of meat with cooked vegetables. I love oranges so I usually eat one while K eats his "dessert" at night. He loves his sweets. I don't eat much and now I am being told to make myself eat every two to three hours.

This is quite an interesting challenge. Trying to find enough carbohydrates that I want to eat that equals l65 grams is hard. You would think, wow, what a blessing! It is not easy because I also have to count fat grams because of my high blood pressure.

I have to say that this is the first day in a long time that I haven't yawned from the time I woke to the time I went back to bed. I would never have guessed that the food I ate or rather didn't eat was the cause.

I am up to the challenge though because the other good thing about today is I feel great! It is also the first day in a long time that I haven't felt tired. So I know that counting carbs is a very good thing for me.

A lot of things have been going through my mind and I haven't been able to put them into words. Probably still can't but I thought I would try.

The lab called and told me the results of my blood work. I had an abnormal glucose level and tomorrow I have an appointment with a dietitian to learn the new way I will have to be eating.

This morning we went for K's biopsy but the surgeon decided against doing one. He sent K to the lab for blood work saying that would tell him everything he needed to know. He also scheduled K for a colonoscopy on June 7th. We are still in the wait and see period. I would like the doctors to do things faster but they don't seem to be in a very big hurry.

K still isn't talking about it. But I am of the type that would like for us to start doing what we can by reading all the info we can find and changing eating habits for both of us and talking about what we will do if he has to miss a lot of work because he doesn't get sick pay where he works.

I want to be with him all the time. I call him several times a day just to hear his voice and to tell him I love him. When he is home I don't want him out of my sight. I want to be right by his side. I can't seem to get close enough; I want to at least be able to reach and touch him. If I could take this from him and into myself I would.

We went this morning for K's ct scan. The doctor called around 11:30 and said the word that I have been dreading. Cancer. In my heart I knew. But the doctor didn't say it until today. He has made an appointment for a biopsy this coming monday. The doctor said sometimes infection causes enlarged lymph nodes but he could tell that is not what he saw in the scan.

My world has shifted again. I felt like I was getting back on track. Now I have something else I have to come to grips with. My strength left and pain filled me. I am scared; of what exactly, I don't really know. K being sick and in pain, losing him, not wanting him to worry over the financial situation-all these things have went through my mind. I have put them in God's hands and now I need to let them go.

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He giveth power to the faint; and to them that have no might he increaseth strength. Even the youths shall faint and be weary, and the young men shall utterly fall: But they that wait upon the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings as eagles; they shall run, and not be weary; and they shall walk, and not faint.
Isaiah 40:29-31

I am so glad that I haven't seen the snakes the last two days I have been outside. I am guessing that all the edibles are gone and they had to move on to forage for food.

I have really enjoyed everything that ya'll have been sharing with me. QuiltyBird, I don't feel ready to start sewing yet. I like using my new word, Aloha. I don't know what it is about the sewing. Or the crocheting either. I have bought yarn and I have started an afghan. Usually, the yarn and hook just lie in my lap; I can't keep my mind on it, yet. But the sewing part of me seems to be gone. I can't remember the last time I even went and just strolled through the fabrics, oohing and aahing and touching the material. Even when I go to walmart, I don't have the need to buy fabric as I did a few years ago. At one time I couldn't leave walmart unless I had at least a yard of fabric. Even if I didn't know what I was going to do with it; I had to have it.

I am not the same person. My needs are not the same. My mind does not stay on any one thing for any length of time. I make a dozen trips outside each day. I turn the t.v. on, just to turn it off a few minutes later. I pick up a book to read but can't sit for very long. I usually lay it down and go back outside to ramble some more. I still have no interest in cooking. I don't even watch foodnetwork anymore. I am not at my computer as often as I once was. I don't know who I am.

His Eye Is On The Sparrow

Why should I feel discouraged?
Why should the shaddows come?
Why should my heart be lonely
and long for heaven and home,
When Jesus is my portion?
My constant friend is he:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know he watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
for his eye is on the sparrow,
and I know he watches me.

Let not your heart be troubled,
his tender word I hear,
and resting on his goodness,
I lose my doubts and fears;
though by the path he leadeth
but one step I may see:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know he watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
for his eye is on the sparrow,
and I know he watches me.

Whenever I am tempted,
whenever clouds arise,
when song gives place to sighing,
when hope within me dies;
I draw the closer to him,
from care he sets me free:
His eye is on the sparrow,
and I know he watches me.

I sing because I'm happy,
I sing because I'm free,
for his eye is on the sparrow,
and I know he watches me.


Mrs. C. D. Martin

I have spotted three garter snakes in the yard. They are harmless but have the power to make me holler. I have seen a small, medium, and large one so I know I have three. I have always heard that snakes are more scare of us than we are of them. That is not the case with me. Snakes come towards me; they do not crawl away from me. That is what these have been doing; coming to meet me when I venture outside.

K went outside with me yesterday and today to see my yard mates. Sure enough here they come; he couldn't believe it. They do not leave when you holler, stomp your foot, or walk towards them. A few years ago I had a little brown colored snake that made be uncomfortable to say the least. Everyday when I left for work this little snake would crawl beside my feet and follow me to the car. When I would come home from work I would see it come from under the house and it crawled beside me to the front steps. No one believed me. This went on for a couple of weeks. One day I came home from work and K was home. I hollered until he came to the door and I told him to come and see the snake. The snake was just laying at my feet. I was telling K here is the snake ya'll didn't think was real but now you can see it with your own eyes. Before I realized what K was going to do, he stomped the little snake and killed it.

I don't want to exterminate the garter snakes but I would like to have my yard to myself. If they would just go to their homes while I am outside I wouldn't mind sharing my space with them. I don't like them following me around.

This is what my arm looks like today. It is still very tender to touch but I can move it. Some people can insert the needle and you can't tell where. But most of the time this is the results. The smaller bruise is from her first needle insertion. When I went back for her to draw blood the second time, I asked her to use my left arm. She just went lower on the same arm and as soon as she inserted the needle and I felt pain I knew from experience what had happened. She apologized but the damage had been done.

The privets are in bloom and my allergies are acting up. More pills to take; I wonder how much space is left in my stomach after all the pills. Maybe that is why I can't eat much. After a few bites, I am full. I have tried eating and then taking the pills, but I still don't have an appetite. I think I want something, but after I taste it, I don't want it; I can't eat it.

I haven't had much interest in food; the eating or the cooking of food. I have to really force myself to make the bread I sell. Some days I have even let that go undone. Then I get mad and disgusted with myself. When I allow this to happen, I have to pull myself back out of the pit; using the new self-talk therapy that the psychologist has taught me. Nine times out of ten it doesn't help.

The psychologist doesn't like it that I still am not getting out of the house more. Or rather that I don't go places. She keeps asking me, "are you a child or an adult?" In a sense of the word, I feel I am very much a child. What I was taught as a child is a big part of me. I can not be assertive, I can not say no, I can not do the things I want to do without feeling guilty, I am lost and the psychologist is not helping me. I tell her how I feel about things and she politely tells me that is the wrong way to feel and tells me how I should be feeling.

Okay, I don't have a knob that I can turn and adjust my feelings automatically. Each thursday she asks me what have I done for fun during the week. Each thursday I tell her I haven't done anything. She reminds me that I am the only one who can help myself. So, if I am the only one who can help myself; why do I have to keep going to her? Everything she has told me I had already figured out on my own except the "disrespectful" part. She has become just another person in my life asking me what I want and when I tell her she says no you don't want that, you want something else.

I was up at 5:30 so I could leave the house at six. I wanted to get to the lab at the charity hospital early because I was having the three hour glucose test this morning. And I was the first one there so they called me first. But it wasn't for the test. It was to inform me that the three hour test was for pregnant women only and they would have to contact the doctor and let him choose another option. She told me the doctors wouldn't be in their office until nine and asked me if I wanted to wait or come back later. She asked me this at 7:30 this morning. It is a fortyfive minute drive from the house so I told her I would wait.

Thank goodness, the pathologist came to the lab at 8:30 and said to do the two hour glucose test. First, I had to have a blood test done to make sure I could drink the glucose. That meant another wait for the blood test results. At 9:35, I was called to the lab to drink the nasty tasting glucose. I was afraid I was going to vomit it all back up. Ugh! It didn't sit too quietly on an empty stomach. She told me to come back at 11:40 for the blood test and if I threw up to let them know. I went to the parking lot and sat in the car and read and tried to keep my stomach calm.

I headed back to the lab at 11:30 with all the glucose still in me. They called my name and stuck me again. I tried to get the lady to use the other arm because very few can get blood without bruising me. I already had a bruise from that morning and she chose to use the same arm. She stuck the needle in about three inches below where she had drawn blood earlier and oh how it hurt. She got blood and did some damage because by the time I got home I had a big tender lump and purple bruise. It was painful to move my arm for a couple of hours. The swelling has gone down but I still look like I have been at war.

Thanks everyone for the mother's day wishes. I am still slow in reaction but yes I did think of ya'll yesterday and said prayers for everyone. I just didn't go online and write them out. I am putting them in writing now. I hope everyone enjoyed yesterday as I did.

For those who want to know-yes, I do have a hula hoop. I bought one from the toy department. K just shakes his head in total disbelief. It is labeled Hoop-D-Hoop and makes the favored shoop shoop sound.

I have found it isn't too much fun. I get winded in a very short time. Like a minute or maybe 30 seconds? hahaha I catch myself concentrating so hard that I am holding my breath. I can't hula and breathe simultaneously. It is hard to believe I use to walk and hula and breathe all at the same time. Oh the marvels of childhood.

I am beginning to feel that the calcium is taking effect. My ankles are not hurting and the tremors are coming only when I am very tired. One thing I started taking after much research was a magnesium supplement. I don't know if it is a coincidence but I really don't care. I am glad to be feeling better.

I thought my emotions were getting stronger. I really felt I had moved forward; on the way toward a new beginning for myself. Sunday a few spoken words sent me tumbling backwards and my new thought patterns were elusive. When I made it home, I called upon my Comforter and felt His warmth and love wrap around me. I knew He understood my pain and I knew it was all right to let the tears flow.

I am stronger. I understand how I can let wrong thinking affect my life. Although, I have discovered that certain words still cause me emotional pain.

I am not any closer to being assertive. I would rather stick my head in sand. hahaha One of granny's sayings is you can't teach an old dog new tricks. Do ya'll know any that says the opposite?

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For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. Isaiah 41:13