We were approved for another six months of K's lung medicine. Thank the Lord! One we were able to pick up today. The others will come in about a week. Maybe my headache will slack up now.

We are babysitting Lulu this weekend. I do wish we could fix a fenced in area for her to run around in safely. It is one of the things I have given over to God; He knows how much I want this and if He considers it a need, He will make it happen.

Two of my children at daycare are now walking. One just takes his steps with an expressionless face, as if to say, no big deal. The other is so excited; his face is full of excitement and awe, and when he stumbles and falls, he picks himself up with a laugh and begins all over again. This little fellow has brought so much joy in my life. I always look forward to spending part of my day with him. I would like to be able to laugh when I stumble in life. I know God is there for me and I need to control my complaining and be able to quietly wait upon the Lord with trust and love.

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Because thou hast made the Lord, which is my refuge, even the most High, thy habitation; There shall no evil befall thee, neither shall any plague come nigh thy dwelling. For he shall give his angels charge over thee, to keep thee in all thy ways. They shall bear thee up in their hands, lest thou dash thy foot against a stone.
Psalm 91:9-12

We missed our appointment yesterday to be screened for K's medicine. I am still so upset but it wasn't my fault it was dear old hubby's fault. He still has this habit of waking up early. He doesn't sleep much. Well, anyway, he got up and went ahead and took the car to gas it up instead of us doing it on the way to the clinic. That is how he handles things. He encountered an acquaintance and didn't keep track of time and by the time he got back to the house it was too late to try to keep the appointment and I had to reschedule. I didn't "blow up" at him like I felt like doing and really wanted to do. I held it all in and had a good case of "heart burn" the rest of the day.

In answer to a comment, last year Charity was allowing a year before rescreening your income. They told us this year they started the every six months screening. This time it was just for K because I asked the lady doing our paperwork. She said when I go to my next appointment I will have to be screened separately. Screening for prescriptions is also a separate thing. It is a hassle but I count my blessing that we have somewhere to go for medical care.

We finally got all the red tape finished and qualify for six more months of medical care at charity hospital. Tomorrow we have to do it all over again to get K's medicine. I don't understand why we have to fill papers out for each thing when we sign permission papers giving everyone access to our records and it is all downloaded into the computer system.

Summer is here and it is hot, hot, hot. When I have a hot flash it stays with me so much longer. I have been miserable. I keep a wet rag draped on the back of my neck. I thought I had them under control but I guess I was doing better because it was winter time. It is embarrassing to be dripping with sweat when you are in an air conditioned building. I work with a lot of teenagers and they are wearing long sleeve shirts because to them I have our work area freezing. They are freezing and I am red faced and have sweat pouring off me. I tell the young girls their turn is coming.

I feel the need to share how God is always with me and hearing my every thought. When we went for our screening to be approved for free care at the charity hospital, the lady filling out the forms told me that I didn't have all my check stubs and told me I would have to bring them next week. I was flabbergasted that I had neglected to bring all of them with me. I knew I had been putting every one of my stubs in a manila envelope since we have been having to have proof of income every time we go to the doctor or need medicine. I have been a nervous wreck trying to find the one missing check stub. I searched every possible place for two days. I was at a loss as to what to do next so I prayed. Then I heard, you have had it with you all along. I couldn't believe what the voice said. What, I asked, I don't get it? I heard in reply, you had it with you, you have only had one payday this month. Sure enough the check stub was right there. The lady made a mistake and that had threw my thinking and my memory off. The lady assumed I should have had two stubs for the month of June. I was so upset, it slipped my mind that I get paid on wednesday; so my last stub is the only one I have for June. All my check stubs are in the manila envelope just as God told me. Praise God!

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The Lord upholdeth all that fall, and raiseth up all those that be bowed down. The eyes of all wait upon thee; and thou givest them their meat in due season. Thou openest thine hand, and satisfiest the desire of every living thing.
Psalms 145:14-16

For some unknown reason I felt something between my front teeth while I was driving home from work this evening. I don't know how or why my tongue happen to encounter this stray particle; but I worked it out with a fingernail. It was a piece of lettuce. I guess I had this bit of green peeking out of my smile since lunch. Why didn't I feel it any other time? Is it possible it couldn't be seen? Why didn't someone mention it to me? Ugh!

Yesterday, the urologist told us K's bloodwork was still good. When we asked about other treatment options, he told us that was up to the oncologist. I informed him that the oncologist told us that would be up to him, the urologist. He just laughed and said whoever told us that was mistaken. I asked him if he could just talk over some things and he said it would be best if we talked with the oncologist. We will have to wait until our July appointment.

We are in limbo again. No word has came from social security about K's disability claim or his medicaid claim. If the medicaid is approved we will be able to get a second opinion. As of yesterday, we were informed that the charity hospital has made changes in the qualifications for free medical care and we might have to start paying. With what I don't know.

I went and visited my granny this morning. All she does is sleep now. We wake her up and coax her to eat and then she falls back to sleep. I guess she deserves to rest after being on this earth 101 years. I feel her end is near. I know she has been ready to go for a long time.

It has been an interesting, albeit, exasperating weekend. We babysat Lulu for our friend, who we gave her to. She wanted to go out of town this weekend and asked if we would take care of the puppy. We picked Lulu up Friday and will take her home in the morning on the way to work. K wants her back; oh my goodness, not me. She managed to massacre what few plants I had outside. I wanted to cry but I just hollered, real loud. She pooped inside twice, after being let out to do her business. She probably wet somewhere too. I just didn't see her and haven't put my foot in it yet. I will be glad when she goes home.

We have the first tropical storm for this season. I will be keeping track because of how unpredictable they are and how unpredictable everything in life has been for me. I have my emergency stuff ready. At least this year we will have a generator.

K goes back to the doctor thursday. We will be pressing the doctor to give it to us straight about any chemo/radiation treatments that he can provide for K. K has been having a lot of pain and the lortabs are not giving any relief. He needs something different. He has been depressed; he feels that his death is near because he has been in so much pain. But he has been hanging in and steadily doing all he can to keep busy and keep his mind occupied.

It has almost been a year since I started working at the daycare. I can't believe that much time has past. They have been so good to me there. Whenever I need off to go to the doctor with K or to stay at the hospital with him, someone always works in my place so I won't lose my job.

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Hear, O Lord, and have mercy upon me: Lord, be thou my helper. Thou hast turned for me my mourning into dancing: thou hast put off my sackcloth, and girded me with gladness; To the end that my glory may sing praise to thee, and not be silent. O Lord my God, I will give thanks unto thee forever.
Psalm 30:10-12

Another week over and a new one started. Life has been chaotic around here. I am ready to lie down and not get up. I keep asking why God, why?

I don't have Lulu. We found her another home. I miss her and at the same time there is relief that I don't have that responsibility any more. I plan to visit her real soon.

My motherinlaw is in the geriatric psychiatric ward at a hospital. She had a nervous breakdown. The doctors are still taking tests to make sure it isn't something physical. She has never gotten over my fatherinlaw divorcing her last year and now added to that is K's terminal cancer. She refused to take the depression medicine her doctor prescribed for her.

K is taking it hard. He cries every time he talks about his mom. She has stayed mad at all her children because they are still close to their dad. She wanted them to have nothing to do with him when he left her for a 38 year old woman, who is almost half his age and the same age as his youngest son. They explained to her that they hate what he did but they still love him and want to spend time with him. She couldn't accept that. She even told me not to speak to my fatherinlaw anymore and I told her I couldn't be that way. She wanted us to choose sides; said we had to love him or her, not both. It has been hard on her but hard on all of us, too.

I have a lot of reasons to be thankful and I give thanks and praise to God. I know I shouldn't question the happenings in my life but I am only human. When K was in the hospital this last time, our house could have burnt down with Lulu in it. For several mornings before I left to go to the hospital, I thought I smelt something burning. I never could place the smell but I checked everything to make sure nothing was on before I left. Like the stove top, oven, crock pot, coffee pot, toaster oven, hot rollers, curling iron; I even checked to see if maybe the heater had been turned on my accident. I made sure all the fans were turned off. One evening I took Lulu outside as soon as I came home and then went to feed her. That morning I had left the bag of puppy chow on the counter instead of putting it up because I was in a hurry. While I was pouring the food, I realized that the bag was very warm. I thought how usual, what is going on? I also noticed that the hot smell was again in the house. I looked around for any red lights that would indicate I had left something on but didn't see any. I thought about the bag of puppy chow and how hot it was and remember it had been sitting on the counter by the toaster oven. I looked and the toaster oven was off. Still, I went and checked and the toaster oven was very hot. I checked the on/off switch and it was off but the outside of the toaster oven was hot to touch. I immediately unplugged it and said a prayer of thanks to my Savior for watching over us.

God is with me always. I only wonder what He is trying to teach me through all the trials and tribulations that I have constantly having in my life. Will I only have rest after I die? It has been one thing after another for 32 years and I am getting so so tired of struggling with daily life. God has taken care of everything; I couldn't have done it myself. So why do I feel drained? What am I doing wrong? Why can't I turn loose of the worry and fear?

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O love the Lord, all ye his saints: for the Lord preserveth the faithful, and plentifully rewardeth the proud doer. Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord.
Psalm 31:23-24