Big 3 - 0!!!

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Today is my 30th wedding anniversary. It does not feel like I have been married that many years. But again it is hard for me to believe I have two adult children. My mind doesn't want to accept these facts.

My mind listens for the voices of my toddlers each morning. And in the quiet of dawn, I can still hear them in their room down the hall. I know I spend too much time in the past and I need to move towards my future. But the best time of my life was when I was a young mother of two wonderful sons. I miss those years. Now I feel caught in limbo. I am not in the past or the future. I feel lost.

Magic Eye

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Something amazing happened this morning. I was able to do something I have tried to do for years. I actually saw the 3d image in one of those magic pictures!!!!! I was looking through the sunday paper and I saw the picture on the back of the comic section. I picked it up and decided to try once again just for the heck of it. I sat there and put the paper against my nose and slowly moved it away. Nothing happened as usual. I didn't give up; I did it several more times. Suddenly, I saw the colors changing and moving; I held my breath. It was so awesome! It looked like I could have leaned forward and my head would have disappeared into the picture!!!

I can't believe that someone can create such amazing works of art. I went to Magic Eye and printed some of the pictures and was again able to find the 3d image. Such fun!!!! I don't know why I was able to do it today when I was unsucessful in the past. To me it is a sign of change coming and that's a good thing.

I want to give thanks to my son Kyle for fixing my html mistakes. I am still trying to create a page that reflects me. And my little knowledge of html causes a lot of mishaps. Thank you, sweetie!!!!

God's Perfect Law - the law that sets you free

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If you keep looking steadily into God's perfect law, the law that sets you free, and if you do what it says and don't forget what you heard, then God will bless you for doing it.

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But be ye doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving your ownselves. For if any be a hearer of the word, and not a doer, he is like unto a man beholding his natural face in a glass: For he beholdeth himself, and goeth his way, and straightway forgetteth what manner of man he was, But whoso looketh into the perfect law of liberty, and continueth therein, he being not a forgetful hearer, but a doer of the work, this man shall be blessed in his deed. If any man among you seem to be religious, and bridleth not his tongue, but deceiveth his own heart, this man's religion is vain. Pure religion and undefiled before God and the Father is this, To visit the fatherless andwidows in their affliction, and to keep himself unspotted from the world.
James 1:22-27

Whatsoever

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I have been practicing by vague knowledge of html. I wanted my flower border back and I wanted a background image. Well, nothing worked. And I don't want to start from scratch yet. Any suggestions?

It has been a long week for me. I have a case of the blues. I feel.....something. It isn't good. I feel like I don't have a single way to change the mess I have made of my life. I hear God talking but I can't seem to do anything He tells me. I believe, I trust, I love, but I am all alone and I falter, I stumble, I fall, and each time it takes me longer to get back on my feet.

K. does not support me in anything. He goes out of his way to hold me back, to take away things that I like. His is not a physical abuse; it is an emotional abuse. He is manipulative and revengeful and has a passive-aggressive behavior. I have learnt this over the years as I have tried to figure out what was wrong with me. I know it isn't my fault but it took me a long time to figure this out. Now I know he has the problem.

What I am trying to figure out is how to have the life that I need. My feelings and needs have been mashed down from childhood. It is showing up in my bad health. I have to do something for me. I do not have the courage to cause a scene because I have no one to go to for help. I do not have job skills to make enough money to be on my on.

I do not want to end my marriage; I want more in my life. Does that make sense? Can that actually happen?

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And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Finally, brethren, whatsoever things are true, whatsoever things are honest, whatsoever things are just, whatsoever things are pure, whatsoever things are lovely, whatsoever things are of good report; if there be any virtue, and if there be any praise, think on these things. Those things, which ye have both learned, and received, and heard, and seen in me, do; and the God of peace shall be with you. Philippians 4:7-9

The Beauty in Life

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The weather has been gorgeous. The air has contained an essence of autumn. I am a lover of the autumn season. When the temperatures dip down into the fifties; I become a giggling adolescent. Last week we were blessed with a few cool mornings and I was ecstatic. I always feel great in the fall.

The skies have been cerulean; no clouds to mar the expanse of blue. I spotted a red tailed hawk on top of the shed in the back yard. I was awestruck at the size of the bird, with it's wings spread catching the sun rays. I would of loved to have had my camera hanging from my neck; but that never happens. I felt blessed as my heart swelled from the vision of beauty.

The nurse called today with my appointment to the endocrine clinic. It is on Monday, October 11. That's approximately seven more weeks before I can sit down and talk with the specialist. So far I have only talked with a surgeon.

My bones have been feeling much, much better since surgery. I do not have hip, knee, or back pain. It left with the headache in the recovery room but I failed to notice it. What I have noticed is I do not struggle to sit up on the side of the bed and I do not hobble to the bathroom each morning as I was doing two weeks ago. I have freer movement and I am not in constant pain.

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The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? the Lord is the strength of my life; of whom shall I be afraid? Psalm 27:1

Poem to share

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Friendship

Last night I looked
upon the star filled sky
I thought of moments dear to me
of memories so close by

Then I saw a shooting star
a brilliance in the night
I knew right then and there
this was a precious sight

A mere moment in the darkness
of glorious light indeed
reminding me of the gifts you've given
the blessings I've received

The light you bring into
my life is by far
more than just a loving hug
or a smile at my door.

You've given me great joy
that comes only from friends
you have brought me happiness
with love that never ends

Thank you for
always being by my side
to listen and support
and for loving me for who I am

by: goode

Fifteen days later

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The cut is scabbing over and I have a bit more free movement with my neck. I still haven't found a comfortable position to sleep. I naturally sleep on my side and the doctor said it was okay for me to lay that way. [Of course I asked; I wasn't taking any chances.] The cut bunches up and pulls and I wake up sore and aching and try going back to sleep in another position. Just trying to hold my head up straight is an exercise now.

I can eat anything I want now. I have found that my stomach can't hold as much as before the surgery. I get nauseated very easily. I didn't get to go to the grocery store. K. decided to go by his self and bought all his favorite foods. That means I have a small selection of foods to choose from. Which is good in a way. I am still losing weight, my waist has shrunk two inches, but I do miss eating vegetables. He is a carbohydrate man and that is all he bought-junk food. He bought me a head of boston lettuce with no other vegetables to go with it. I can eat a head of lettuce a day so I have to spread it over a few days with a lot of other salad makings like yellow squash, zuchinni, carrots, cauliflower, brocolli, sweet bell pepper, tomatoes, cucumbers, green onions, green beans, cabbage, pickled peppers, beans, corn, the list is endless. I can eat all my veggies raw. But K. didn't buy any other vegetables and the 'frig is bare. I am still eating jello and soup and eggs and mashed potatoes. This morning I made an egg sandwich with whole wheat bread. It was quite tasty. I am still not hungry which is unusual for me. Lately I eat twice a day and I am satisfied.

My energy level has dropped again. I have been in a daze these last few days. I don't feel like myself. But I don't know what I should be feeling. My emotions are on a roller coaster and I go from depressed to angry to just okay. The euphoria I was feeling the weekend after surgery is completely gone. Possibly the neglectful care I have been receiving has a lot to do with it. But I think it has more to do with me being scared that I won't make the changes in my life that I so badly need to do. And if I don't I know the stress and unhappiness will bring me to an early grave. I feel my courage faltering.

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My soul, wait thou only upon God; for my expectation is from him. He only is my rock and my salvation: he is my defence; I shall not be moved. In God is my salvation and my glory: the rock of my strength, and my refuge, is in God. Trust in him at all times; ye people, pour out your heart before him; God is a refuge for us. Selah. Psalm 62:5-8

Long Day

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I didn't get home until 7pm today. Everything seem to be in slow gear at the charity. I had a 2:30 appointment. But didn't see the doctor until 5:00. My neck was beginning to bother me and I had my first headache since the surgery. It was an awful day.

The tumor was benign; praise Jesus. The cut is healing but my neck is still limited in movement. The doctor said I can start putting neosporin ointment on it. I gave more of my blood today so they can measure the calcium level since the removal of the parathyroid gland.

I have lost 12 1/2 pounds since I was weighed the morning of surgery. I am wondering if the removal of the tumor caused this or the all liquid diet. Will I gain the weight back when I go back to eating? I don't want to gain it all back; I don't want to drink broth the rest of my life neither. I guess I'll worry about it if the weight starts coming back and just enjoy my clothes fitting right now.

My name is on the waiting list for an appointment at the endocrine clinic. I was told I should hear from them soon. Just have to wait and see.

Another Friday

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It has been a week since my surgery. Emotionally, I feel 100% better. I feel better physically, except for the slash across my neck that is still healing. I had the major surgery not the new mini version.

My throat is very much improved and I am almost ready to go eat at an all you can eat super mega food buffet. haha I am still having trouble holding my head up for any length of time. After a few minutes my shoulders start trembling and I have to sit down and prop my head up. But I am able to last a little longer in an up right position.

My care givers have stopped giving care. I have a sink full of dirty dishes that both men in the house left. I almost gave into temptation and cleaned up the kitchen; but decided I had better let myself rest for a few more days. Neither husband or son left me any perpared food to eat today. And I had to fill my thermos this morning. No one made sure the juice was mixed. No one made sure there was even a clean glass in the cabinet. All the tender loving care has been used up.

I am left to fend for myself. (sigh)

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And we desire that every one of you do shew the same diligence to the full assurance of hope unto the end: That ye be not slothful, but followers of them who through faith and patience inherit the promises. For when God made promise to Abraham, because he could swear by no greater, he sware by himself, Saying, Surely blessing I will bless thee, and multiplying I will multiply thee. Hebrews 6:11-14

Computing Again!

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Hi ya'll, I finally have the internet connection fixed. The repair guy came out but I still had to get back on the phone with the technician again. My poor little neck is giving me fits. I have to go lay down and rest and get back in the chair in front of the key board. I think I have over did it today.

The quickest result from the surgery, "no more headache!" I had a constant heachache for two and a half years. I would wake up with pain and go to bed with pain. There was minor relief with pills but I still felt it everyday. Also my blood pressure is going down. It was staying dangerously high even on medication. I already feel better. Praise God.

I have been on liqiuds and jello since Friday. It is still hard and painful for me to swallow. Probably more than you need to know but it also hurts to burp. And drinking all that liquid makes me burp. Yeah, air coming up the throat hurts. HaHa I haven't decided what is going to be the first food that I gobble down as soon as I am able. I have been visualizing fried chicken. Seasoned foods send me into coughing fits so everything that I eat has been bland. Tonight I am going to try mashed potatoes. I can hardly wait for the first spoonful.

Well it is time for me to go rest and wait for K. to come home and fix my supper. Quite a change but he has been wonderful about it.

A OK

Hi. This is Patsy's son Kyle. I'm filling in for her while her computer is on the fritz. She wanted me to let everyone know that her surgery went well and that she is doing fine, recuperating at home.

Test Results

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The results are in and I have a tumor on one of my parathyroid glands. I am scheduled for surgery on Friday morning at 8:00. If you are interested I found a page that tells about the surgery. I have tried to write more but blogger refuses to post anything but these three lines. They keep dropping everything else.