Yesterday morning, the lung doctor explained to K that the cancer had spread to his lungs. But that K's lungs sounded good. The doctor told him he could try not using the steroids and see if his lungs could take in enough oxygen using just the bronchiolators. While we were at the clinic, K was able to get a pneumonia shot but was told the shipment of flu shots had not come in yet.

The doctor went ahead and gave us new prescriptions to have on hand if K needs to stay on the steroid medicine. We have enough medicine to last a few more weeks and then I will have to figure out how we will get the prescriptions filled this time. I have heard of another organization in our area that helps pay for your medicine and I will be contacting them to see if they will help us. Most of the time you have to be unemployed to get help around here. If you make enough money to barely scrape by; they tell you to sell one of your automobiles. We applied for food stamps and because we have two vehicles, even though we are still paying for one of them, we were denied food stamps. They told us to sell one of our vehicles to buy food with; offering no suggestion as to how we both were to get back and forth to work to earn a living.

I am hoping K will decide to stop smoking but it is doubtful. I told him if he wants to stay on this earth for longer than the two to ten months the doctors have given him; he had better stay away from the cigarettes. I tried to talk with him again about starting to eat healthier to keep his immune system built up as the doctor suggested; but he just closed his eyes and ignored me.

He isn't using the oxygen daily and is not as alert as I have seen him when he takes it for a couple of hours a day. Maybe he doesn't want to be alert but rather sleepy so he isn't able to think. I don't know or understand, but I guess that is the way it is with everyone. I just feel so aggravated and helpless when I can't do anything to encourage him to take better care of his self.

We go to see the oncologist November 1st. Maybe we will hear if there are any other treatments that K can get to slow down the spread of the cancer cells.

My co-workers did not tease me too bad Friday but I don't know how they will be tomorrow. To me it is not a laughing matter; they do not understand what I went through before the surgery. I am not going to dwell on it; and I will laugh with them but I am really scared.

The weather has cooled off and that alone has lifted my spirits. We are finally getting caught up with the yard work and everything is looking nice.

I spent this morning altering some of my slacks that I wear to work. When the little munchkins are determine to be held they try to climb up my legs and my pants start coming down. I am afraid I will get caught with my pants down by a parent coming to pick their child up. It is worrisome to say the least. hahaha I am not ready to start putting money out on more clothes so I am tying to figure out how to take in some inches without ruining my slacks. I was never any good at altering store bought clothes because of the serging along the seams.

I am thrilled that I have started a crochet project. I am crocheting a poncho like my granny made each of her grand daughters in the "60's. I found this pattern which just uses a double crochet and a single crochet stitch. The instructions are basic and I haven't hadn't any problem so far. I rounded up some yarn that I had bought for an afghan but I am excited and ready to go and buy some of the new variegated yarn that I saw on the Lion Brand web site. I love feeling the crochet hook in my hand after such a long break.

***********************************************************

Blessed be God, which hath not turned away my prayer, nor his mercy from me. Psalms 66:20

This morning I awoke thinking it was Saturday. With that in mind I planned my day of cutting grass, during laundry and ironing clothes for next week. The phone rung a little after two and it was the daycare center. I couldn't imagine what had happened; I was afraid someone had died. The assistant director asked me if I was coming in to work today. I didn't know what to say; it took a minute for this to be processed in my brain. I asked her what did she mean; then I knew I was the one that had made a mistake. I asked her what day it was and she said it is Friday. I told her I would be right there.

This is another symptom to go along with other things that I have been noticing. I have found myself being confused as I try to do ordinary things that I have done millions of times everyday.

****************************************************
And in that day thou shalt say, O Lord, I will praise thee: though thou wast angry with me, thine anger is turned away, and thou comfortedst me. Behold, God is my salvation; I will trust, and not be afraid: for the Lord Jehovah is my strength and my song; he also is become my salvation. Therefore with joy shall ye draw water out of the wells of salvation. And in that day shall ye say, Praise the Lord, call upon his name, declare his doings among the people, make mention that his name is exalted. Sing unto the Lord; for he hath done excellent things: this is known in all the earth. Cry out and shout, thou inhabitant of Zion; for great is the Holy One of Israel in the midst of thee.
Isaiah 12

The weather has been so nice; that alone has made me feel better. This weekend is suppose to have forty degree temperatures. I hope this prediction comes true. I am ready to be cold once again.

K has chosen to go back to work and is holding off on filing for disabilty. He wants to try and see if he can work for a while longer anyway. I guess he is wanting to convince hisself that he is as sick as everyone else believes he is. I told him to decide what he wants to do. I surely don't want him blaming me if he becomes unhappy. His future is his decision.

He has stopped taking his oxygen with him and doesn't use it when he is at home. I have tried to explain to him that he would feel much better him he used it for at least an hour a day. He is also not taking his breathing treatments. But the lung specialist told me that most of his patients stop following his instructions and are usually back in the hospital within a month. I hope that doesn't happen to K; but he won't listen to me.

My dad made a big pot of his vegetable soup knowing it is a favorite of mine. He puts everything thing in but the kitchen sink. hahaha Let me see if I can list it all-green beans, corn, carrots, tomatoes, potatoes, lima beans, speckled butter beans, celery, leeks, onions, green peas, okra, cabbage, beef and pork-I think that is it. Mom baked a pan of corn bread to go with it, hoping I will eat. Well, I have been eating, goodness me. Too, too much! He brought a big container full, over to the house this morning and I had some for lunch before I went to work and I have all ready had a bowl since I have been home. My stomach is hurting I have ate so much but it is so good. There is plenty enough for tommorrow......and maybe the next day.

*********************************************************************

For this thing I besought the Lord thrice, that it might depart from me. And he said unto me, My grace is sufficient for thee: for my strength is made perfect in weakness. Most gladly therefore will I rather glory in my infirmities, that the power of Christ may rest upon me. Therefore I take pleasure in infirmities, in reproaches, in necessities, in persecutions, in distresses for Christ's sake: for when I am weak, then am I strong. 2nd Corinthians 12:8-10

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He maketh me to lie down in green pastures: he leadeth me beside the still waters.
He restoreth my soul: he leadeth me in the paths of righteousness for his name's sake.
Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou art with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the Lord for ever.

Psalm 23

I went to wallyworld today to try and find some food that will entice me to eat again. My dietitian tells me I need to eat more because my blood glucose is staying too low. I don't like to eat for some reason. I hardly think about eating or drinking. Sometimes I get to thinking about certain foods I have eaten or cooked and think maybe I will eat that. So I cook it or go buy it, but I take a couple of bites and I don't want any more of it.

I am suppose to be keeping a journal of every thing I eat and drink during the day. Today's entry has this written:


7 a.m.- 2-6 oz cups of decaf coffee

9 a.m.- 3/4 cup of bite-size shredded wheat with 1/2 cup of 2% milk

10 a.m.- 2 blood pressure pills, 1 heart rate pill, 1 anxiety
pill, 1 calcium supplement, 1 low dose aspirin, 1
vitamin C, 2 vitamin E, 1 evening oil of primrose and 8 oz of
water

12:30 p.m.- 1 mini-snack size box of raisins

3:30 p.m.- granola bar

4:30 p.m.- 8 oz cup green tea



So far that is it for today. I don't think about eating or drinking. I rarely get hungry. If my stomach does growl in anger because it is empty I usually get a glass of decaf diet coke or water. Not food, ugh!!!

I bought some salad makings at the store in hopes I will eat them. But I had to throw out what I brought home a couple of weeks ago. I would open the crisper drawer of the 'frig and close it right back because the thought of eating a salad made me nauseous. I threw out some apples and oranges I had bought and didn't eat. The foods I was eating last year don't interest me and I have yet to find something that I will eat besides sugar free chocolates and granola bars. And I don't eat them often enough.

I am boiling peanuts right now to snack on tonight. K has been asking me to get some peanuts to boil so today I did. The green peanuts are available in the store this time of year so I am boiling about five pounds of them for us. A man in our neighborhood boils and sells peanuts all year long and we usually buy a small bag from him every few weeks. Boiled peanuts are one thing I am crazy about!

I don't enjoy cooking like I used to do. K still isn't eating much and really doesn't ask me to fix him any thing special. If he does I do cook it for him. But he never did like to eat the same things I did and I used to try new recipes just for myself.

I am still not doing any of things I did a few years ago. Sometimes when evening rolls around I wonder what I did all day long because time seems to have went by so fast that the day just slipped away and I can't think of any thing I accomplished. Oh, I do the dishes, and the laundry, and a few other household chores but it shouldn't take a whole day. I am so glad that I at least get out of the house and go to the daycare to work. Otherwise I don't think I would leave the house at all.

The autumn weather has been wonderful. I am so glad it is finally here. We do still have some hot afternoons but the heat index stays around the eighties. I would so love to have some energy to dig around in the dirt or even just plant some fall flowers.

I have really been exhausted when I come home from working only four hours a day. My hands and feet have started getting that tingly sensation even though I am still taking my calcium supplements. I am really scared and worried about having these symptoms again.

K seems to be getting stronger day by day. He does have to stop and rest when he is trying to do things and I can tell it upsets him. But he is still smoking which really aggravates and saddens me. But I do understand we all have addictions of one kind or another. We just don't think of them as addictions.

We received a card with a poem that I want to share with ya'll. Maybe someone else is in need of words to lift their spirit right now.

Life can't always be a song-
You have to have trouble
to make you strong,
So whenever you are troubled
and everything goes wrong,
It is just God working in you
to make your spirit strong.

Praying God will send you strength
to keep your spirits high
And give you hope and courage
till this troubled time goes by
And when your world seems right again,
may God bless life for you
With days that dawn with promise
and are filled with joy all through.

HSR

Things have been really troubling. We went to the oncology clinic and thought we would see a cancer specialist; but as usual we only saw a student doctor. He talked with his teacher and K was prescribed an infusion of bisphosphonates. We asked about chemotherapy and all we were told was the doctors would be looking over K's charts and to come back to see the doctor in a month.

We were able to get help getting the prescriptions filled for one month. When we told the doctor we wouldn't be able to pay for them he signed us up with a prescription plan provided for the evacuees in our area.

K seems to be doing much better. He is slowly getting his energy back. I, on the other hand, feel as if I am slowly climbing a hill and will never reach the top. I want to lie down and not get back up. I am tired, tired, tired. The only thing that keeps me putting one foot in front of the other, is my love and trust in my Savior.

K has decided to file for disability. Half the friends and family tell him to file. The other half tell him he won't receive enough to live on. It seems to be mixed blessings.

We had to have the truck towed to the shop. Will it ever end. The credit card is really getting a work out. But then I have to be thankful we have it to use.

********************************************************

I will bless the Lord, who hath given me counsel: my reins also instruct me in the night seasons. I have set the Lord always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved. Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth; my flesh also shall rest in hope. Psalms 16:7-9

K is back home with me. Praise God. It took five days to stabilize him and get his lungs to take in oxygen without the oxygen mask. He had a bacterial pneumonia that had closed up his bronchial tubes and he has COPD. This is the first time we had been told he has COPD. He couldn't leave the hospital without oxygen and the cancer services set us up with a program that provided us with a condenser and mobile tanks. But the doctors sent us home with five prescriptions and we are still trying to figure out how we are going to get these every month. They will cost us $570 a month.

K. does not want to apply for disability and medicaid. He wants to work as long as he is able. My boss is holding my job for me and I am trying to get a routine going so I will be able to go back. We need the money. K's boss came to see him at the hospital and told him he would like for him to come back to work and he would let him work part time until he felt he could work longer hours. K isn't suppose to drive yet so I have been taking him and picking him up.

We go tomorrow to see a cancer specialist to get K started on chemotherapy.

We are still cleaning up the yard from the damage of hurricanes Katrina and Rita. Rita came through and toppled more trees. These also fell away from the house. I have an opening through the woods on the left side of the house. More sunlight shines on us now.

***************************************************
The glory of the Lord shall endure for ever: the Lord shall rejoice in his works. He looketh on the earth, and it trembleth: he toucheth the hills, and they smoke. I will sing unto the Lord as long as I live: I will sing praise to my God while I have my being. My meditation of him shall be sweet; I will be glad in the Lord. Psalm 104:31-34