Is this a bad dream?

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I have an example of what I was talking about in yesterday's post. Next week is K.'s vacation from work. I told my parents about it and my dad calls me this morning to give me his opinion. It seems he doesn't consider my husband's vacation as mine. He informs me that I don't need to go anywhere with K. My dad wants me to go with him next week to get the brakes on his truck fixed. And he will take me somewhere to eat. And we can do something else if I want to. His plans are suppose to make me jump for joy and forget all about a vacation.

This is the type of treatment I am trying to figure out. What I want for myself is not even considered. Everybody I am in contact with appear to believe my thoughts and feelings are of no consequence. If I tell them what I think about a situation, they laugh and pay it no mind, ignore me totally, or they proceed to tell me in a very loud voice, that their thoughts and feelings are more important than mine.

If someone asks me how I feel or what I want; after I tell them, they say, "you don't want that" or "you can't feel like that." And if I try to stand firm and say yes I do, they just grin and laugh or get angry.

I can't figure it out and it is really driving me crazy. Now, I find myself wanting to avoid everyone. I don't like having to explain every thing I do. Why can't I just say no and have no questions asked. If I tell someone I don't want to go with them; they come back with, "why not you have nothing else to do?"

What can't people take me seriously? That is what I need to think about.

Feelings

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I have been at loss for words. I sit in front of this monitor and I can't choose a topic to blog about. So much has been happening in my life. Family members have been disappointing me. Well, I don't know if that is the right word. They have done some things that I never thought they would do.

I think I am a coward when it comes to spilling my guts or airing the family laundry. I think this is what keeps me from writing the novel I have wanted to write all my life. The sharing of your inner most feelings. And finding the right words to fully explain my thoughts; making sure they are not misinterpreted.

I have been told that my life would make a great book if I would write it down. I have had a lot of unhappy, crazy, unbelievable happenings for sure. But to write it down for the world to read? My family doesn't know my true feelings of the life I have stumbled through in tears ninety per cent of the time. I have been hanging on to my life by a thread that is very frayed. Only by the grace of God I am here, many times I have almost given up.

Instead of my life finally getting a little easier, there is more on my shoulders. I am beginning to believe that I will not ever be given a break from my time consuming family. When I hear the phone ring, tears come to my eyes. I'm always afraid it is someone wanting me to do something for them. Or just spend time listening to them. That is fine, but when I need someone there is no one. They never share time with me; time to take me somewhere or time to just listen. I feel they use me when necessary then they don't give me a second thought.

Okay, that's it, I don't want to turn this into complaining post. I am trying to work out my feelings.

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Woe is me for my hurt! my wound is grievous: but I said, Truly this is a grief, and I must bear it. My tabernacle is spoiled, and all my cords are broken: my children are gone forth of me, and they are not: there is none to stretch forth my tent any more, and to set up my curtains. O, Lord, correct me, but with judgment; not in thine anger, lest thou bring me to nothing.

Cleansing Rain

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All through yesterday and last night we had thunderstorms. I walked to the mailbox this morning feeling a sense that the earth had been cleansed. The air was still full of moisture and exuded a fragrance of freshness.

The "blooming hedges" have been stripped of their blossoms. Yeaa!!! For a few days I will be able to inhale deeply. Maybe we will have a thunderstorm come through when the shrubs are in full bloom again.

OOPS!!!

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I was trying to move some stuff around on my blogspot and goofed. I can't figure out how to fix the mistake. Before I start all over again my son is going to go over the template and see if he can correct my goof.

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The flowering shrubs in our area are in full bloom. I call them "blooming hedges"; they have a sickening sweet smell that makes me nauseated. Maybe one shrub in your yard would be nice. But they are abundant here and the smell is over powering. This year the scent entered every crack in the house and is clinging to our clothes. I feel as if I am barely holding on to my sanity. I have to hold my breath off and on when I go outside. I have been rubbing mentholatum salve under my nose to help me get a breath of air without the scent.

The blooming hedges have kicked my allergies into overdrive. I feel tired and weepy all the time now. You may wonder why we are surrounded by these hedges. I wonder too. There have been attempts made to get rid of them. But it takes a good soldier to fight this battle. You have to stay with it for several years to get rid of the root system. We chopped the shrubs down and sprayed with weed and brush killer. Each time the shrubs came back tripled in numbers. They basically grow wild here and the house has woods on four sides of it.

Imagine you have been living in the same place over twenty years. Imagine the surrounding woods replenishing the blooming hedges every spring. Imagine the old hedges from twenty years ago reaching past the roof top. Imagine taking a deep breath and filling your lungs with the cloying scent of old perfume that has been sitting in the bottle over twenty years mixed with decomposing vegetation.

The smell coats the inside of my nostrils and throat. And when I automatically gulp to try and get some oxygen, the smell lands in my stomach and my stomach rebels. This year I am having the hardest time I have had since we lived here. I don't know if it is because there is many more hedges than ever or if my body has changed in some way and the smell affects me worse. All I know is I try to stay in as much as possible, but the scent has invaded my home too. It amazes me the things I have to continually learn to live with.

Romans 8

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I wonder at times what God has predestined for me. I feel that I stepped off the path He had prepared for me. And that I hindered Him too long in getting my feet placed back. My heart stays heavy because I feel He has turned His face from me.

I find myself turning to Romans to read again Paul's conflict of flesh and spirit. I feel as Paul stated; "For I delight in the law of God after the inward man; But I see another law in my members, warring against the law of my mind, and bringing me into captivity to the law of sin which is in my members."

My mind tells me I am doing the will of God. When something does not turn out as I expected, I find myself confused and thinking that I was doing my will and not waiting for guidance. These past years I have been quick to accept ideas that come to mind as guidance from God. Other times when I feel in my heart that I am suppose to act upon an idea; I falter and drag my feet. My heart is telling me what I should be doing and I am at loss as how to make it happen.

I tell myself if God wants me to do something then He will make it happen. I know that is not always true. The person that God wants to help me may be dragging their feet, too. At the same time, by dragging my feet I am hindering another person. This makes me feel loathsome. But I know if God wants it to be then it shall be. I must wait upon the Lord.

O Praise the Lord, all ye nations: praise him, all ye people. For his merciful kindness is great toward us: and the truth of the Lord endureth for ever. Praise ye the Lord. Ps. 117:1-2

I can't believe it

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I was looking at a gardening magazine when I came across this picture. I had to take a second look because I thought my eyes were playing tricks on me. The ad said you can now go outside without having to worry about putting on insect repellent to keep the bugs away. I can't seem to imagine anyone I know wearing a net suit. I do realize how important it is for bee-keepers to cover their heads. I also know that some bee-keepers don't feel that it is necessary. Can you picture yourself in one of these?

Awesome movie

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I didn't know what to expect because Tom Cruise is not one of my favorite actors. I was completely surprised to find myself enthralled at the beginning. I think the wonderful musical score added to my being caught up with each scene. The Last Samurai is based on an actual event that happened in 1876. This very interesting fact made the movie all the more awesome for me.

The code of honor that the samuria practiced is what we all really need to live by. Tom Cruise's character was a decorated war hero but he did not feel that he was a hero. He learned about honor as a prisoner of war when he was captured by the samurai.

I was not taught about this "code of honor" growing up. A television show, Kung Fu, opened my eyes to this special way of living. Television can be a wonderful teaching tool. :) I believe the example of life I saw more of was "taking care of numero uno" as I was growing up. It is still in practice around here.

The Last Samurai is a spectacular movie. I give it a "10".

The Third Day Christ Arose

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I serve a risen Savior, He's in the world to-day;
I know that He is living, what-ever men may say;
I see His hand of mercy, I hear His voice of cheer,
And just the time I need Him He's always near.

In all the world around me I see His loving care,
And tho' my heart grows weary I never will despair;
I know that He is leading thro' all the stormy blast,
The day of His appearing will come at last.

Rejoice, rejoice, O Christian, lift up your voice and sing
Eternal hallelujahs to Jesus Christ the King!
The hope of all who seek Him, the help of all who find,
None other is so loving, so good and kind.

He lives, He lives, Christ Jesus lives today! He walks with me and talks with me along life's narrow way. He lives, He lives, salvation to impart! You ask me how I know He lives: HE lives withing my heart.

He Lives is a hymn that comes to mind always. Sing it and feel your spirit soar. I want to give you an extra blessing for your Easter.

Whose life is it?

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I seem to have a problem dealing with people. I think I have always had it; maybe I was born with it. I don't like being in the company of just anyone. I am selective. I try to avoid everyone else. My family did a lot of visiting when I was little. I remember these rules from childhood:

Be respectful to your elders.
Say yes mam, yes sir, and no mam and no sir when speaking to your elders.
Do not say things that will hurt someone's feelings.
Do not ask for food or drink. You may accept a glass of water.
Do not touch anything.

These are just a few from a long list. I believe in being respectful but where do you draw the line? Is there ever a time when you are allowed to hurt someone's feelings? Are there guidelines written by someone other than Miss Manners?

My mother in law is making feel crazy. She has been what I considered mean to me in the past. I tried to get along and keep peace in the family. She was there for me during a very hard time four years ago. No one from my family offered to help. Lately I have been there for my mother in law during her hard time. She is asking too much of me and it is beginning to take its toll. She wants me to be with her everyday. I have tried telling her no, that I don't want to go anywhere. If I tell her I have plans( sometimes I do lie)she will call and ask again. Even when I tell her I am sick, she says that's all right, she's sick, too.I don't want to get mean and hurt her feelings; but I think it may be the only solution.

My mom is another problem. I don't visit my parents as much as they want. I know what it feels like not see or hear from your child. But I still don't visit very often. I can't change the way I feel towards them or maybe I don't want to change. I can only take so much of my parents. I do not feel a closeness with them. I feel no connection or bond. They know because I don't usually hug them; I don't feel a need to hug them. I didn't get hugs or kisses when I was growing up, except from my granny. Maybe that is part of the problem. My parents depend on me more than my three sisters and it is also taking it's toll on me. I have gotten to the point that I don't even go to the store. If I try to go to the store without going by mom's, someone always sees me. I will get a phone call and she says, you were seen at walmart!

I feel I should be able to live part of my life the way I want. Is that too selfish? So far my life is divided between my husband, my children, my grandson, my parents, my grandmother, my sisters, husband's parents, husband's brothers and sister, my nieces and nephews, husband's niece's and nephews, my aunts and uncles, husband's aunts and uncles, my cousins, husband's cousins, and the list can go on and on with people that I should be interacting with. God is suppose to come first but He doesn't always. Then you add on your church family as part of your life.

Am I allowed a part of my life? Can I have more than leftover crumbs after everyone gets through with me? I have reached an age when I should have experienced what I wanted for myself. I have never had that opportunity offered and I have not taken it.
Is a person's life not their own?


But thou art he that took me out of the womb: thou didst make me hope when I was upon my mother's breasts. I was cast upon thee from the womb: thou art my God from my mother's belly. Be not far from me; for trouble is near; for there is none to help. Ps. 22:9-11

Back to the past.... :)

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Today I have been visiting the past. Sci-fi had a Quantum Leap marathon going for half a day. I enjoyed the show when it first came out and I still love watching it. I did my housework this morning during commercials. I had a smile on my face most of the time but some episodes brought tears of compassion to my eyes. I can't help it; these days I get teary eyed easily. I still can't choose a favorite episode. I like all of them.

Some times I think about time travel. I wonder if I had the chance what year would I want to go back to. And would I want to risk being stuck in the past. Yes, I would do it. I would like to be in the 1800's. A time before so called progress hit the fan. I would like to spend some time in the world before it became commercialized.

Can't think of a specific thing to blog

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There are many things going on, but not any one thing more important than the other. Really not anything I want to put into words for others to read. This is suppose to be a place for my thoughts, I know. My thoughts seem to come out in a whining, complaining tone. I am trying to turn that around.

The only thing that stands out is my dad's doctor appointment on thursday, the eighth. My sister called and told me she was going to bring dad to the v.a. clinic if everything goes as she has planned. Wow, I thought to myself. That's great! Well, then she says she will come and pick me up so I can ride with her. What's the point; I might as well take him myself. She's suppose to do it, to help me out is what I thought. And I tell her I thought she was going to take him herself, so I wouldn't have to go. She didn't like hearing it, but lately I find myself saying things that people don't like to hear.

The new me emerging I guess. Sometimes words slip out before I can hold them back. I regret it afterwards but oh well it's too late. I suffer the consequences.