Thanks to all for the birthday greetings. They gave me great pleasure.

It is 7:30 New Year's Eve and another year of my life has passed. I am a half a century old. It is hard for my mind to accept that I am 50 years old. Most women have told me that they were upset when they turned 30 years old. My thirtieth birthday didn't phase me a bit. Nor my thirtyfifth.

But when I turned forty I cried. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I felt like my life had ended. I feel it more now. I had dreamed of doing so many things with my life. But I was very naive. My parents didn't tell me about looking before you leap into marriage. K and I didn't really discuss what we wanted out of life before we married. Later I learnt K didn't want me to do more than be a wife and mother. When I tried to explain to him that I wanted to go back to school he said no and I didn't force the issue. He didn't feel the need to help me fulfill my dreams or understand that I even had things that I wanted to accomplish.

For years I tried to figure out what to do; how to make changes. Slowly, I let life and feelings drain out of my heart. I stopped trying. I have existed but I have not lived for a long time. Today, I have thought about my life and what I feel I have missed. I still wonder what could have been if I had made other decisions.

I am on the road to recovery. I feel it in my heart. I sat outside today and felt the warmth of God's love touching me. It is a wonderful feeling.

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Fear thou not, O Jacob my servant, saith the Lord: for I am with thee; for I will make a full end of all the nations whither I have driven thee, but I will not make a full end of thee, but correct thee in measure; yet will I not leave thee wholly unpunished. Jeremiah 46:28

Why art thou cast down, O my soul? and why art thou disquieted within me? hope in God: for I shall yet praise him, who is the health of my countenance, and my God. Psalm 43:5

Merry Christmas everyone!!!

Christmas day, 2005, is almost over. My boys and their wives were here yesterday for Christmas eve. We ate, reminiscenced, and exchanged gifts. It was wonderful having all of us under the same roof. I wish we could do it every week, even just once a month. I am complete when we are all together.

This morning I got out of bed early because I couldn't get any air through my nostrils while lying down. This head cold is so bad. Nothing works, even my nose spray wouldn't open up the passages. I am using my vaporizer and it is keeping me from constantly coughing but it isn't helping me draw in air through my nostrils.

Since I was up, I decided to go over to mom and dad's,(I called and they were still in the bed), knowing that if I didn't leave the house right then, I wouldn't leave after I got settled on the couch. Mom said to come on over so I went and drank coffee with them. We chatted about past christmases when me and my sisters were little and then we talked about christmas when our kids were still little.

I had feelings like my old self today. Feelings maybe isn't quite the right word. I was actually having thoughts of things I would like to do. Thoughts of going and looking at some yarn. Thoughts of going and looking at some fabric for some new curtains. Thoughts of planting some roses in february. Ordinary thoughts I guess for some people but it has been such a long time since I have had such thoughts. I have been more like a lump; kinda numb or blank; not able to even concentrate long enough to complete a prayer without my mind straying. So I was surprised to have a thought about something besides what I am going to watch on tv.

After I had chilblains real bad in january of 2003 and I couldn't wear shoes; I researched and try not getting them again. Last year I made it without getting any. Now I have a spot on one of my big toes. I know better but several times I have walked around bare footed on these cold floors. I learnt my lesson and it won't happen again. Even scampering to the utility room to grab some clean clothes out of the dryer is a no no. I won't let my feet touch the floor without socks and slippers or shoes.

My sister has let me have her orbitrek. It had been collecting dust at her house and it just might collect dust here, too. I can't get a rhythm going and I have a fear of falling off. hahaha It is a very awkward motion for me. My knees come up high like I am pedaling a bicycle but there is no place to sit. My big ol' butt swings side to side throwing me off balance. When she asked me if I would like to have it, I immediately said sure, why not. Now, I am saying, why in the world............?????

I have been fighting a very bad cold. I am very sluggish but I am trying to get ready for this coming weekend. Christmas doesn't feel like Christmas. I guess K being sick is uppermost on my mind and I can't deal with too much else.

My blood tests came back showing I have a low calcium level and my parathyroid level is borderline. The doctor I spoke with this time said to take a tums in the middle of the day and a calcium supplement in the morning and evening. Right now they aren't concerned with the increase in my parathyroid level and I have an appointment to go back in April. I asked him if my hair falling out and my fingernails being soft as paper was from the low calcium level. He said he didn't think it was related. And didn't offer any suggestions as to what it could be and who I could see about it.

I know I haven't been feeling good but there is so much going on in my life right now. I don't want to complain but I would love to not have be the person responsible for taking care of every thing. I am so tired all the time. I came home last night and fell asleep on the couch a little after seven. When I woke up at 7:30, I got up and put my sleeping clothes on and went to bed. I didn't wake up when K came home. He said he talked to me but I didn't move a muscle. I woke up at 8:30 this morning and finally felt a little rested. Every weekend I sleep and am energized by monday. By friday I am so exhausted sometimes I wonder if I am going to make it home from work. I know I am not eating right. I still don't have an appetite. When I do eat it is usually some form of junk food. I am not drinking enough water or really any kind of liquid. Most days I drink only a can of coke the whole day. I fill my thermal mug with ice and a coke and I am still drinking on it by evening. Not a good thing I know. Only twelve ounces of coke a day is definitely not good for the kidneys. I tell myself all the things I need to change and I can't find the energy to put my plans into motion.

I thought we had finally received help for two of K's prescriptions. Actually, we were accepted by the organization but there seems to be a problem getting the prescriptions to us. The organization sent a letter saying they were sending the medicine to K's physician and we had to make plans to pick it up. I went to his doctor but they didn't know any thing about it. I called the company and they say they mailed it in november to the clinic and it was refused. I called the clinic and they say it is suppose to be mailed to our home address. I told them the company mailed it to the clinic and we are suppose to pick it up there. Well, it still isn't straightened out. My brain is getting tired trying to figure out how to take care of us.

K was prescribed dilaudid to help him rest at night. I went to the drugstore where the cancerservice set up an account to help with his pain medication. They don't help pay for his four other lung medicines. At least they help us with his oxygen and pain medications. I thank the Lord for that. Anyway, the drugstore didn't have it on hand, it had to be ordered and it could take a few weeks. I asked them how much the prescription would cost and it was $80 for generic and $127 for name brand. We had already used our allotted money from the cancerservice so this was going to be all our expense. I decided to try another pharmacy instead of waiting for them to order it. I called walmart pharmacy and they don't keep it on hand either. I called another drugstore and yes they had it on hand. I went to get it and was surprised when it only cost $52. So I asked them what they charged for lortab, the other pain medicine K takes. They charge $80 compared to the other drugstore's cost of $113. I had assumed that every drugstore charged the same for medicine. I feel so dumb and stupid. All this time we could have been saving about $60 dollars a month. I will be calling around and finding the best cost for K's other medicines. I called the cancerservice to see if they would switch our account to the more reasonable drugstore and they agreed to.

K is falling asleep while he is eating again. I asked him if he was falling asleep when he was driving and he said no. His legs are swelling and I worry that he is going into heart failure like he did when he was in the hospital. Lord help me to be strong when I feel so weak.

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Mine eyes are ever toward the Lord; for he shall pluck my feet out of the net. Turn thee unto me, and have mercy upon me; for I am desolate and afflicted. The troubles of my heart are enlarged: O bring thou me out of my distresses. Look upon mine affliction and my pain; and forgive all my sins.
Psalms 25:15-18

The end of another week is here. It has went by so fast. This week ends without me with an upset stomach but I have a bad cold. At least I can hold by head up and do some house work. I have a lot of catching up to do on just the every day chores.

I went to the store this morning to get some tree decorations. Of course all the decorations were gone except for the ones no one would put on a tree. That means I will be digging through all my stored christmas decorations this weekend. I am going to do my best to throw things away and get down to maybe two boxes of sentimental keepsakes.

I am no where close to finishing my gift buying. It is hard when you have to limit the amount for each purchase. I am just giving to my sons and daughterinlaws and K of course. I have only decided on and bought for the daughterinlaws. It is so much easier choosing something for girls instead of boys. I would love to find something special for my mom and dad who have helped us so much this year. I would like to be able to just buy what I want and not look at the price tag. I wanted to get K an electric blanket because he stays so cold and no matter how many blankets I put on him he can't get warm. I looked at them this morning and was shocked that they are so expensive. The cost will pay for a month of one of his prescriptions.

I know christmas isn't about gifts but old habits die hard.

I don't know what is happening with me. It seems that every weekend I am sick. It isn't fair. Maybe I need to consider another job but my employer is so good about letting me off when I need to be with K. But during the week I am having to handle sick kids and I think that is why I am not having a chance to get completely well before I fall sick again.

K is doing a lot of sleeping these days. His energy level is way down. I am so afraid that he will get my constant upset stomach and he won't have the strength to get over it.

I have been trying to build up my christmas cheer but it is near impossible. I bought a 4 foot artifical tree from the dollar store but so far I have only put a string of lights on it. When I think about getting out all my boxes of decorations; I just want to crawl back into bed and pull the covers over my head. I think I might just buy a few ornaments and put those on the tree and after christmas throw everything away. That sounds so much easier to me. I do know people that throw everything away and buy new decorations every year. I used to think it was so wasteful but I am beginning to think I know why they do it.